


A Curious Case of Growing Up

by KikiRose



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Coming of Age, Harry Potter Next Generation, M/M, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:06:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 54,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KikiRose/pseuds/KikiRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Sirius Potter is starting his 5th year at Hogwarts. With O.W.Ls, his brother Albus starting school, and his best friend off growing up, he has a lot on his mind.<br/>Teddy Remus Lupin is training to be an Auror, working on a new pro-werewolf movement, and juggling a relationship with Victoire Weasely.<br/>Together and apart, the boys must face the challenges of growing up, growing apart, and growing closer than imaginable. Together they will unlock the secrets of the parent's past, and move through the difficulties of the painful world they were born from.<br/>Based heavily on The Shoebox Project by ladyjaida and dorkorific.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One: Namesakes and Werewolves

**Author's Note:**

> The bosom us endeared with all hearts,  
> Which I by lacking have supposed dead;  
> And there reigns love and all love’s loving parts,  
> And all those friends which I thought buried.  
> How many a holy and obsequious tear  
> Hath dear religious love stolen from mine eye,  
> At interest of the dead, which now appear  
> But things remov’d, that hidden in thee lie!  
> Thou art the grave where buried love doth live,  
> Hung with the trophies of my lovers gone,  
> Who all their parts of me to thee did give;  
> That due of many now is thine alone:  
> Their images I lov’d I view in thee,  
> And thou (all they) hast all the all of me.  
> \--Sonnet XXXI, William Shakespeare 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> It’s time to begin, isn’t it?  
> I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit  
> I’m just the same as I was  
> Now don’t you understand?  
> I’m never changing who I am.  
> \--“It’s Time”, Imagine Dragons

_Letter from James Sirius Potter to Teddy Remus Lupin, September 2017._

Teddy,

Took Al to Professor Dumbledore’s tomb today. We sat in the grass and toasted his memory with some butterbeers I’d nicked from the kitchen. Thought it’d be good for him to see where his namesake is buried, you know.

 

It’s weird, you know, every time I go there I just stare at the tomb and think about Dad’s stories. It’s just hard to really link Albus Dumbledore who not only, I don’t know, kind of shaped Dad and his life and everything, but is also who my little brother is named after, to this big hunk of marble next to the lake.

 

Blimey, that was terribly thoughtful wasn’t it? I’ve been a bit broody lately I have no idea why. Al is just lapping this place up, I swear. Thought he’d wet himself when he got sorted into Gryffindor. We’re not in the same dorm but we stayed up half the night a few days ago in the Common Room playing chess with Rosie and Fred. Who, by the way, is becoming insufferable about how this is his last year here and he’s rubbing it in

 

Classes are a nightmare already. You warned me O.W.L year would be crazy and you were right. I’m dying here! It doesn’t help that I’ve already gotten five letters from Lily asking to describe every little thing that’s going on here. I can’t wait till she’s eleven so I can stop using all my parchment to write out detailed letters of my days (all fake, by the way, because telling her I was almost eaten by the giant squid is so much more interesting than talking about my latest History of Magic lesson).

 

Hagrid sends his love, and Buckbeak bit me, which I assume is sending his total animosity towards you. He loves me, though, as always. Guess you smell like werewolf or something har har. He’s getting all old and tottery and I hope that whatever’s keeping him alive this long holds up cuz Hagrid’ll be crushed if he dies, you know how he is. Grawp is the same as always; he likes Al a lot and Hagrid thinks it’s because he looks so much like Dad.

 

How’s Victoire? Can’t believe you didn’t tell me about you and her. Lily’s already planning your wedding, watch out. I don’t know where you are right now but I know Newt will find you. If you’re at my place tell everyone I say and I’ll be sending them letters soon and Albus is too excited to remember how to sit still long enough to put a quill to parchment. Tell Kreacher I miss him.

 

Went down to the Shack yesterday and had our traditional start-of-school glass of firewhiskey there AND IT WAS AWFUL CUZ I WAS ALL ALONE. LIKE I HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS. I hate you. I will replace you with Al, just watch me.

 

You know I don’t mean that (probably),

James

 

 

_Letter from Teddy Remus Lupin to James Sirius Potter, September 2017._

Wotcher Jamie,

Blimey I get your letter at the crack of dawn and I’m still half-asleep when I start reading it and then I have to go back and reread the first paragraphs seven times because I’m not used to anything you write Making Me Think Things. After I was cognizant enough to know what the hell was going on, I agreed with you.

 

Albus Dumbledore was a great man, according to everyone who remembers him. Gran doesn’t say much about him outside all his accomplishments and goodness etc. etc. but your Dad’s stories about him are always amazing. According to Harry, he’s really the only reason my Dad got to go to school or even have a job.

 

Speaking of which, the pro werewolf stuff I’ve been doing lately has actually been going okay. Thanks to Hermoine’s connections in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures I’ve been able to speak for the right people, and thanks to all the books published on the Order and the bazillions of stories about the Battle of Hogwarts people know a bit about my Dad which helps my whole Not All Werewolves Were Fenrir Graybacks thing. Plus, I’m living breathing proof that werewolves can have healthy relationships with normal humans and voila their kid is normal, too.

 

Anyway, I’m sorry your classes are already nightmares. O.W.L year is no fun, but I know you’ll be fine. Any idea what N.E.W.Ts you might want to take yet? Let me tell you that Auror training is no picnic but your Dad and Ron are helping me a lot so I’m damn grateful.

 

Lily was in tears over your last letter about how you almost didn’t have enough time to save Albus from being attacked by the Bloody Baron and it took your Mum half an hour to calm her down and explain the ghosts can’t hurt anyone. I told her she should send you a Howler but I think she knew I was kidding.

 

If you couldn’t gather from the above paragraph, I am at your house.

 

Tell Hagrid I miss his rock cakes and that I want to buy him a round at the Three Broomsticks whenever possible. Buckbeak hates me because he doesn’t understand how I change my looks so often but always smell the same, as Hagrid put it once. It confuses him. And what does werewolf smell like, you prat? Kreacher pines for you, mate, and since he’s half-blind and barely leaves the kitchen I pop in sometimes looking like you and it makes him happy as long as I don’t do much more than talk a bit (I can’t quite get your voice so he gets all worried I have a cold). Never fear; my James impersonation is spot on and I think it helps him.

 

Victoire is at school with you, you git, you should know how she is. I didn’t tell you because everyone had already figured it out and I ASSUMED you had to but, apparently you’re just dense. Way too soon to talk about weddings, blimey. 

 

I miss our firewhiskey and toasting the Marauders in the ol’ Shack. Being older than the lot of you is cool sometimes and other times it’s damn lonely, I tell you.

 

Please don’t replace me with Al,

Teddy

 

_Letter from James Sirius Potter to Harry James Potter and Teddy Remus Lupin, October 2017._

Dad,

I totally exploded a toilet on the fourth floor yesterday and I thought Filch was going to die of shock right there and then (luckily he can’t run/smell/hear anymore so it’s hard to get caught) and then, get this, he shouts DAMN YOU JAMES POTTER! And I almost wet myself cuz I was under the cloak at that point and I had no idea how he could have possible thought it was me. And then, I realize he’s talking about Granddad. Shining moment in Potter history, that was.

 

Don’t tell Mum please.

 I miss all of you guys! Al sends his love, as do Hagrid and Neville and all my bloody teachers who, apparently, see me as a conduit between themselves and you and mum. Would it kill them to write you sometimes instead of stopping me in the corridors to harass me on my family?

 

Oh, by the way, Al found out about…well, everything. Thought you could keep that hushed up when half the school comes up to him on the first day of school and asks what it’s like to have famous Harry Potter as a father? More likely you figured I could talk him through it all. Let me tell you, he felt like a big prat as I had when he realized that he never once through all your stories, that you were famous.

 

He’s damn shy about it, though. Whereas I welcomed the spotlight har har.

 

Love,

James

 

Teddy,

You a right nutter, you are, about this werewolf thing. That being said: Heard Victoire telling her friends how Brave and Selfless and Caring and A lot of Other Nauseating Terms you are and how you’re going to change the world with all your pro werewolf stuff and they were all telling her off and being all prejudiced against werewolves and then, lo and behold me and her are like side by side laying into them. Her dad, your dad, my Granddad—we were just going on and on about them and how werewolves either effected them (like her dad) and they were okay, or just how cool my Granddad was about your dad being a werewolf and how your dad was a hero.

 

Look at what we do for you. A few Slytherins refer to us as Werewolf Lovers now, and I think Vicky’s gonna get that on a T-shirt any day now. And I’m not dense, either, I guess I just don’t dedicate the same amount of time thinking about your bloody love life as everyone else does.

 

No idea what N.E.W.Ts I’m going to take yet. Thinking about being an Auror. I mean, it’s pretty much the natural order of things. Know it would make my Dad and Mum proud, not to mention my Grandparents. Plus, if I was an Auror, I could annoy you at work!

 

Mum sent me a very angry letter about Lily so, I had to stop sending her fun letters and now have to send her very un-fun letters. Keep her entertained, mate, I know I’d be going crazy all alone at home with everyone else off at school.

 

Blimey, Teddy, you didn’t need to impersonate me to keep Kreacher happy. I know you’re going to say something stupid and offend him and I’ll lose my best friend because we all know I like him better than you. He can cook better than you, that’s for sure. Just be nice to him, please.

 

I’m thinking about taking Al over to the Shack for Halloween. Let you know how that goes. We have a Hogsmeade visit on November 1st, PLEASE PLEASE COME VISIT ME. You can see Hagrid and Fred and anyone else you want to as long as you spend some of the day with me, otherwise I WILL replace you with Al or Kreacher.

 

I mean it,

James

 

_Letter from Teddy Remus Lupin to James Sirius Potter, October 2017._

Dear Jamie,

I am very Other Nauseating Terms and I am a bit touched by you and Victoire rushing to my (is it mine?) defense. The pro werewolf movement is important to me and I know that it could really make a change that needs to happen.

 

Anyway, I won’t talk about it much here. Feels like I spend all my time talking about it anyway.

 

If you become an Auror, I’d be higher up than you by then and I could boss YOU around so HAH. I’m staying with Kingsley right now, so I can’t make Kreacher’s day by pretending to be you so be happy. It was an good deed, don’t whine so much. And my cooking is wonderful.

 

Halloween is in a couple days and I strongly advise you do take Albus to the Shack. It’s time he saw the great place and showed his own respect for the Marauders. I wish I could bet there. I remember taking you on your first year, and I don’t know. It’s special, don’t you think? Prongs’s grandson and Moony’s son in the Shack once again. It felt special at the time, for me at least.

 

I’ll be there. Let’s meet in the morning at, say, Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes? George said he might be there this weekend to see Fred so we could say hello and then go get a butterbeer with Hagrid. I can’t wait to see (you) lot again. Don’t get detention (I heard about the exploding toilet you nutter).

 

I’ll be pretty busy with Auror training for the next week or so, so send me the exact date of the Hogsmeade visit and I’ll be there but I won’t be able to write for a bit.

 

Now you can’t replace me,

Teddy

PS

Your dad is insanely busy at the office right now but he wanted me to attach this:

 

_James,_

_I’ve been writing Albus about everything so you don’t need to handle it. He’s taking it all well, considering. Now Lily knows, since she overheard your mother and I talking about it._

_I’m pretending I didn’t hear about you exploding toilets._

_Love,_

_Dad_


	2. Chapter Two: Watching You Watching Her

“Don’t pout, Al, you’ll be able to come to Hogsmeade in a few years.” James ruffled his brother’s black hair, grinning. “You and Rosie go visit Hagrid or something.”

            “Hagrid’s _going_ to Hogsmeade, too, I’m sure you know.” Albus made a face.

            “Oh, that’s right.” James smirked. “Oh, well, visit Professor Longbottom or something. Work with me, Al.”

            Albus batted his brother’s hand away and sighed. “Fine. Tell Teddy I say hello.”

            “Yes, tell him I say hi, too!” Rose smiled before grabbing Albus’s arm and dragging him back into the castle.

            Fred cocked his head. “Whaddya think—Rosie and Albus?”

            “Can’t say.” James shrugged. “Guess it’d make sense.”

            Fred ran a hand through his red hair before shrugging. “Time’ll tell, then. Let’s go. My dad wants to see us.”

            James nodded happily; George was easily his favorite uncle, tied with Ron and followed by Bill. “Sure, let’s go—“

            “I hope you aren’t leaving without me.”

            James turned, with a slight thrill of dread, at the sound of his cousin’s voice. Victoire was marching towards him and Fred, shining strawberry-blond hair that still held some of her mother’s veela-silver bouncing behind her like a flag. Her cornflower-blue eyes were narrowed in James’s direction.

            “’Course not.” James forced a grin onto his face. “Just keeps slipping my mind that you’re dating Teddy now. You usually don’t go into the village with us.”

            That was true; since Victoire was in Ravenclaw they didn’t spend much time together in Hogwarts, though they always got along well at Weasley family gatherings (which, incidentally, were the only family gatherings James went to since there were no remaining Potters).

            “Well, get used to it.” Victoire flashed him a grin to let him know she wasn’t angry and the three of them set off across the grounds.

            The cool, November breeze ruffled James’s hair and blew Victoire’s Ravenclaw scarf around them like a blue-and-silver snake. They spent most of the walk discussing the possibility of Rose and Albus ending up together and, when that conversation dissolved into laughter, the idea of Lily and Hugo.

            “I swear, in twenty years the Weasley s and the Potters will have started inbreeding.” Fred snickered. “Look at us, already cousins all around and with two more possible Weasley -Potter relationships in the offing.”

            James snorted. “Three, if you finally accept my offer of marriage, Fred.”

            Fred put his hand on his heart, a look of deepest remorse on his face. “Alas, you know I would, but my heart belongs to the lovely Emma Jordan.”

            “Where is she, by the way?” Victoire tucked one strand of pinkish-silver hair behind her cold-chapped ear. “I thought for sure you two would be together for the first Hogsmeade trip of the year.”

            “Oh, her and Tinsley Spinnet are in detention for setting Dungbombs off during Potions.” A look of dreamy devotion came over Fred’s face. “I’m going to marry that woman one day.”

            “Uncle Geroge’ll be thrilled.” James laughed. “You know him and Lee will love that.”

            They entered Hogsmeade laughing and wandered up the bustling village streets happily, noses and ears pink with cold.

            As they rounded the corner to see Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes. James stomach gave a pleasant lurch when he saw George standing in front of the shop chatting amicably with a grinning Teddy Lupin.

            Teddy looked the same as always, which was to say, different. His hair was chin-length and spiky today, a brilliant fiery red that he usually switched to whenever he was feeling particularly fond of Gryffindor. He was a bit taller than normal, skinny as usual, and his nose was thinner and sloped. James had learned to look past these daily changes, though, growing up with Teddy. There were a few things that never changed: his overlarge knuckles in his skinny hands, his slightly wolfish canine teeth, and most importantly his eyes—always the same light shade of hazel. Teddy was careful never to shift his eyes because he had been told many times that they were the precise color of his father’s.

            “Teddy!” cried Victoire before she launched herself into Teddy’s waiting arms.

            James’s joy at seeing his best friend diminished slightly as he was ignored in favor of Victoire’s mouth, which seemed to be the only thing Teddy was concerned about at the moment.

            “Hey, Dad!” Fred gave his father a quick hug and George put his arms around both Fred and James’s shoulders.

            “How’s school, Freddie? Jamie? And where’s Emma? Don’t tell me you scared her off already.” George grinned fondly at his son.

            “She’s in detention.” Fred got the same, Bludger-to-the-head look he’d had on the walk. “Set off some Dungbombs.”

            “Lovely.” George nodded appreciatively. “I approve. What about you, James, enjoying school?”

            “No.” James sighed. “O.W.L year is a right pain in the ass.”

            “It is indeed. Got your Skiving Snackboxes at the ready?”

            “Keep ‘em with me always, in case of emergency.” James grinned, pretending with great effort he didn’t care that Teddy had yet to greet him.

            “Good boy.” George laughed. “How’s the Map treating you?”

            “Bloody brilliant.” James sighed happily. “It’s perfect.”

            George got a look of nostalgia that was a mix between happiness and hurt. “Me’n Fred considered that Map one of our finer conquests…right under Filch’s nose…and it did your dad a load of good, too, might I add.”

            It was at this moment that two skinny arms were flung around James’s neck and he was tugged violently away from George and Fred and against the wiry chest of Teddy Lupin.

            “Jamie!” He crowed, smushing his cheek against James’s and almost lifting him off his feet in his enthusiasm.

            “Teddy—choking—“ James clawed at the arms that still pinned him against Teddy’s chest, the very same arms that were currently crushing his windpipe.

            “Oi, sorry, mate.” Teddy dropped James unceremoniously. “I’m just so damn glad to see you!”

            James turned to look at his best friend. Teddy was wearing his usual assortment of odd Muggle clothes; skinny black jeans tucked into large black combat boots, a puffy black jacket with a white furry collar, and a ragged grey muscle shirt that read “S.P.E.W” in a hand-lettered, blocky print (okay, so that was Teddy taking a Muggle shirt and adding his own wizarding flair). Earrings lined both Teddy’s ears, ending in those foul muggle earrings that went _inside_ your earlobe and stretched the skin out until there was a hole.

            “Do you _ever_ wear robes?” James burst out laughing, perfectly aware of the fact that Teddy was probably the only wizard who not only dressed like a Muggle, but also with the eccentric taste Teddy had.

            “Not since I’ve been out of school.” Teddy smirked and then, inexplicably, grabbed James’s face with both hands and smushed his cheeks around. “Look at Jamie’s face! Look at his adorable Jamie cheeks! I’ve missed you so bloody much, I cannot even tell you.”

            The chains and worn, braided bracelets Teddy wore around his skinny wrists brushed James’s face; bringing about an unmistakable feel of childhood and sitting on his parent’s sitting room floor and twirling Teddy’s bracelets around absentmindedly as the two of them waited for dinner to be ready.

            For some reason, this made James jerk away and step back from Teddy. He had gone from being overjoyed to seeing his best friend, to being pissed off at his best friend, to now not knowing what he felt but being confused at how sharply the memory of being with Teddy as kids had hit him.

            “Everything okay?” Teddy looked suddenly concerned, and behind him Victoire raised one perfect eyebrow.

            “Yeah, I’m fine.” James exhaled a bit shakily and then grinned. “Just didn’t want everyone around here knowing I’m friends with such a weird looking person.”

            Teddy rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut it. Alright, Fred?”

            “Yeah.” Fred grinned. “You look like a prat with that hair color, though.”

            “Do I?” Teddy peered into a shop window and made a few faces. “Yeah, you’re right. Bit too Weasley for my own good. Hold on.”

            He screwed up his face for a second, an expression James knew well, and his hair suddenly grew a bit shorter and turned his customary shade of turquoise.

            “There we go.” He said cheerfully. “Perfect. Anyway, Victoire, shall we get going?”

            He offered his arm to Victoire and James felt an unpleasant swooping sensation in his stomach.

            Teddy must have caught the look in James’s eyes because he grinned sheepishly. “Don’t look at me like that, James, we’re still going to go to the Three Broomsticks later, right? Hagrid’s meeting us there and everything!”

            James swallowed. He knew it was childish to demand all of Teddy’s time for the day; that’s why he’d asked for at least an hour of it just being them. Like they used to be. Best friends were supposed to at least get an hour alone together right? But now Teddy was ditching him for Victoire, and the only amount of time he was allotting his best friend was an hour or so at the Three Broomsticks with at least three other people.

            “Yeah, of course.” James grinned. “Me and Fred wanted to go into Wheezes for a bit anyway. See you two later.”

            “Definitely.” Teddy smiled, eyes still slightly apologetic, before him and Victoire said their goodbyes and left.

            James stared at their receding backs and felt Fred lay a gentle hand on his shoulder.

            “You’re not going to the Three Broomsticks, are you?” He asked in a quiet voice.

            “No.” James replied curtly. “No I am not. Can we have a poke around, Uncle George?”

            “’Course you can.” George opened his shop’s door and a warm gush of sweet-smelling hair rushed out to greet them. “You know Potters never pay here.”

            James grinned, though he could not banish the knot of sadness in his stomach from a day that had gone almost completely wrong.

***

            Teddy had taken one look in the Three Broomsticks and knew that James was not there. And, based on the fact that Fred and George and Hagrid were already sitting ‘round a table and roaring in laughter at something, he was not coming.

            _Damn._ Teddy bit his lip; he’d had a feeling this might happen. He was half-tempted to leave now and go look for James when Hagrid spotted him and began waving his hand, gesturing him and Victoire over.

            Teddy smiled weakly and went to join them. He joked and chatted as best he could, but after two butterbeers and still no sign of James he knew he couldn’t stay any longer.

            “Listen, I’ve got to go get him.” Teddy whispered in Victoire’s ear as Hagrid launched into another story about Harry, Ron, and Hermione at school.

            Victoire made a face. “You don’t need to babysit him.”

            Teddy felt a lurch of annoyance—didn’t she understand that he didn’t feel obligated to find James, but rather he knew that he had broken an unspoken rule of friendship today and that he had to go make it right?

            “I’ll be back soon.” He murmured before kissing her cheek and standing up.

            “I’m going to go fetch James. Be back in a bit.” He waved cheerily at George, Fred, and Hagrid before hurrying out of the bar and into the brisk November twilight.

            The sky was turning a beautiful bluish purple color that, no matter how hard he tried, he had never quite been able to recreate for his own hair. Teddy walked swiftly through the crowded Hogsmeade streets, pulling his jacket tighter around him as the wind began to blow in earnest.

            He didn’t need to look for James; he already knew where he would be. As the world grew dimmer yet somehow more luminescent in dusk, Teddy ran panting up the hill that led to the Shrieking Shack and, sure enough, there James was, leaning up against the rickety wooden fence and staring at he dilapidated building with a moody set to his shoulders.

            James hadn’t heard Teddy approaching so he took a moment to watch the wind blow his best friend’s dark auburn hair around his head and watch as he pulled his cloak tighter around him.

            Teddy sighed and walked over to where James stood, leaning his elbows against the fence and looking fondly at the place where his father had once transformed into a wolf every month during his time at Hogwarts.

            James made no sign to acknowledge Teddy’s presence; he merely shifted slightly to one foot and pushed his glasses up his nose.

            “I’m sorry.” Teddy finally murmured, reaching out one hand to touch James’s arm.

            James jerked away. “Why are you here, Teddy?”

            Teddy bit back his initial retort of pointing out he’d come to apologize _obviously_ and said instead: “I wanted to see you.”            

            “Oh, really.” James laughed mirthlessly. “Could have fooled me.”

            “I have to spend time with Victoire, too you know.” Teddy snapped angrily. “I can’t dedicate all my bloody day to you.”

            He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. James spun on him, cheeks red from anger and cold, and his deep brown eyes sparked with fury.

            “I’m not asking you to _dedicate_ your whole damn day to me!” James yelled, voice so loud a few birds took off from neighboring trees with annoyed _caws_. “Okay, Teddy? But goddamn I haven’t seen you in months, and you were too busy snogging Victoire to even say a proper goodbye at the train, so I thought you might _want_ to spend some time together but, you know, whatever. If you’re happy with just seeing me for an hour while we listen to Hagrid tell stories about my dad and then not see each other again till Christmas, fine. I guess that’s just us growing apart now—“

            “Don’t be a fucking idiot!” Teddy shouted, unable to hear the bitter words spill from James’s mouth as his dark eyes grew more and more despondent. “We’re not growing apart, you git, and you’re right I’ve been awful and you know I want to see you more than that. We spent loads of time together last year, even though I was out of school, now you just have to…you know, make a bit of room for Victoire.”

            “ _I_ have to make room for Victoire?” James snorted. “Sure, let me go out of my bloody way to make sure you get enough time with her before we can spend time together. I’ll just knock about in the freezing cold again and wait for you to finish snogging her in Puddifoot’s before I can actually see you. Brilliant, Teddy, just brilliant.”

            “Okay, okay, you’re right.” Teddy exhaled. “I’ll be the one making room. No more…no more all days with Victoire and then an hour of us listening to Hagrid. Of course I want to see you more than that, Jamie. I already feel awful because I barely saw you at all today and you won’t have another Hogsmeade weekend for ages and….”

            He trailed off at the look on James’s face. “Er, Jamie, are you going to hit me?”

            “No.” James sighed and rubbed his face with his hand absentmindedly, eyes scrunched up slightly. “I’m just…tired, I guess.”

            “So…you forgive me?” Teddy smiled hopefully.

            James snorted. “Sure, whatever.”

            This sudden lack of enthusiasm was even worse than James’s anger and, with a twist of panic, Teddy found himself pulling the younger boy to him and wrapped his arms tightly around James’s shoulders.

            “AGH—Get. Off. Of. Me! What the hell do you think you’re doing—oof!” James coughed as Teddy squeezed him harder.

            “Please forgive me.” Teddy murmured. “ I won’t be able to walk away thinking you’re mad at me or that you’re going to be all distant or you’ll stop writing.”

             “I’ll—stop—writing if you—strangle me!” James cried in a strangled voice, words muffled by Teddy’s jacket.

            “Is that forgiveness?” Teddy perked up.

            “Fine! It is! I forgive—you now let me---go!”

            Teddy dropped James and smiled as his best friend rubbed his throat and glared up at him through his glasses.

            “Can we go get a butterbeer now?” James croaked. “I’m bloody freezing.”

            “You sure?” Teddy gestured at the Shack. “We can stay here. It’s getting late; if we go back to the Three Broomsticks we won’t get anymore Teddy and Jamsikins time.”

            James rolled his eyes. “Should of thought of that this morning, Teddy, now come on my toes are falling off.”

             He started walking, but Teddy didn’t follow him. He knew, very well, that even if James had forgiven him this right now was punishment for Teddy’s earlier abandonment. Now, Teddy really didn’t get to spend any time with James and that did hurt and he felt a terrible fool, stung and guilty. 

            James turned and grinned. “Jesus, Teddy, knock it off. I really am cold. Can’t we just walk together?”

            Teddy smiled slightly before running to catch up with him. “I really am sorry. I feel awful.”

            James shrugged. “I’ll see you at Christmas, right? No harm done, mate, now stop sniveling.”

            Teddy bit his lip; Christmas was more than a month away and even though James might have been being sincere it still felt like a slap. “Right. We’ll spend lots of time together, then, promise.”

            “’Course.” James grinned at him.

            Teddy knew that what had happened between them was not truly mended yet, but the best he could do now was prove that he wouldn’t do it again.

            He slung an arm around James’s shoulder and the pair of them walked back to the Three Broomsticks, warm and close, chatting about Hogwarts and Teddy’s Auror training and the particular quality of the Shack at dusk. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter Three: Snowy Shoes

_Letters from Teddy Lupin to Harry and James Potter, November 2017_

Hello, Harry!

Will we be having Christmas hols at the Burrow or your place this year?

Can you remind me exactly how old James and Sirius and Peter were when they went through the Animagis process? Need it for my werewolf thing. Campaign? Organization? Thing.

Tell Lily and Ginny I send my love,

Hope all is well,

Teddy

 

To The Jamie It Concerns,

I still haven’t gone Christmas shopping and I know if I don’t start now I will never start so I really, really need to start now. For an orphan with one surviving blood relative I actually talk to, you’d think I wouldn’t have that long of a present list but it’s like a bloody mile long, what with all you Potters and Weasley s and Assorted Other People.

  
Auror training is hard. I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it makes it more real and its already very real because it’s, well, hard. It has zapped my ability to be coherent, as you can see.

 

How’s school? Exploded any more toilets lately? Still referred to as a ‘Werewolf Lover’? I was thinking about getting Harry a shirt that says “My Godson Has More Werewolf Blood Than Yours” (and by _getting_ I mean _making_ ) for the holidays—what do you think? Too much?

 

Rita Skeeter tracked me down at the Ministry yesterday. She’s getting bloody OLD let me tell you. Didn’t stop her from asking me a bunch of questions about werewolves, the least offensive of which was a query as to whether or not I thought my father had ever consumed human flesh. Lovely woman! Sorely tempted to jinx her. And my hair started turning that funny, splotchy red color that you always laugh at and then she started asking me MORE questions about being a Metamorphmagus and which point your dad swooped in and saved me and I spent the next hour in his office in fetal position.

 

Speaking of your dad he told me we’re having Christmas at the Burrow again this year! That means an even LONGER Christmas list, aarrgghhhhh.

 

I miss you and everyone else and I miss being in Hogwarts and I hate being all on my own sometimes and other times it’s really rather nice and I wish my parents were still alive because I always wish that around Christmas and now it’s like a sad, depressing little holiday tradition.

 

Bugger.

 

The ever so cheerful,

Teddy

 

_Letter from James Potter to Teddy Lupin, November 2017_

Teddy,

Do you remember that one Christmas, I think when you were eleven and I was seven, we were playing outside while Mum made up Christmas dinner (this was the year Albus had dragon pocks, remember, and we couldn’t go to the Burrow) and I was running around and rolling in the snow and you were telling me about all the spells you were learning at school and then I tripped and got snow in my mouth and nose and everything and you were all worried? Then you picked me up and got even angrier at me because I was wearing trainers and they were filled with snow and you kept saying I should have been wearing galoshes and then I started crying about how damn cold I was and you felt guilty and took my inside and gave me lots of butterbeer and read me books.

 

That being said, I don’t want galoshes for Christmas but I do want that new book _Potions for Pranksters_ and Mum won’t let me buy it so HEY IT’S A SUGGESTION MISTER CHRISTMAS LIST WOES.

 

School is still a nightmare. Still ace at Potions, still arse at Transfiguration, which is a special kind of irony seeing as how I grew up with you and you are like a walking talking example of Transfiguration. Am not called ‘Werewolf Lover’ anymore and I will PAY YOU to make that shirt for dad. Should make a shirt for Albus saying “I KNOW I Look Just Like My Dad” because he bloody needs one. Everywhere we go, it’s that over and over. Him being out in the Wizarding world away from our parents has really opened his eyes to how many people actually want to talk about our bloody famous parents 24/7.

 

Rita Skeeter is a cow. I still read her biography about Dad whenever I need a laugh. Christmas at the Burrow, eh? Great. Can’t wait to get away from Hogwarts for awhile.

 

That being said, I miss you loads too and someday I hope to reach a level of manliness where I won’t write things like that. Level not yet reached so, I BLOODY MISS YOU SO MUCH. We all wish you were here and how about over the hols we go visit your parents’ graves? Leave some flowers, chat a bit, etc. etc.

 

Still waiting for that level of manliness,

James

 

_Letter from Teddy Lupin to James Potter, November 2017_

Wotcher Jamie,

Of course I remember that Christmas! You were so small and pale running around in the snow that day and I felt like such an arse for not noticing you weren’t wearing galoshes and then you started crying and you know that I cannot stand you crying (your eyes get all big and your nose gets all sniffly and I think you are the only person who can make a face so pathetic it brings out maternal instincts in males).

 

Thank you for knowing that my whining was a really a subtle plea for suggestions. Consider the book purchased and wrapped in some fetching color that brings out the mischief in your eyes. I am also obviously lacking that certain level of manliness because I can write sentences like the above.

 

Well I’m arse at potions and you are right about the Transfiguration thing so we balance each other out! I’ll make the shirt for you dad and buy him an actual present on the side. Have to keep everyone laughing so they don’t notice I’m the only one not related to them (do my pathetic orphan jokes come out more and more during the holidays? Is this a pattern I am only just noticing??) but I will not make Albus that shirt because you know it’ll just embarrass him. That’s probably why you suggested it you wicked thing. I feel for Albus; I sure remember what it was like to learn about everything we came from. Our parents, their war, He Who Must Not Be Named (I can’t say it I just can’t), you know. He’ll get over the initial shock soon enough though. We all had to.

 

I’d really like that. We can go all side-along Apparation and be there and back in time for Christmas Pudding. Thank you, Jamie.

I’ll probably be seeing you before you have time to respond to this letter! Just enough time to finish all my shopping! Yippee!

 

Drowning in wrapping paper,

Teddy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter Four: Christmas Holidays

“Jamie, you get bigger every time I see you!” Grandma Weasley hugged James tightly, familiar smell of fresh baked bread and the odd yet tantalizing match-strike smell of household spells bringing to mind all the other happy Christmases James had spent at the Burrow.

“Hullo, Gran.” James grinned. “We brought Teddy!”

“Oh, goodness, Teddy you look more like Remus every day.” Grandma Weasley smiled and gave the today-turquoise-haired Teddy a hug.

“Still don’t have his knack for turning into a wolf every month.” Teddy grinned, hugging Grandma Weasley back.

“And yet I hear you’re dedicating a good amount of your time to werewolves.” Grandma Weasley raised her eyebrows as she hugged Albus and Lily.

“Yeah, I am.” Teddy rubbed the back of his head, looking slightly abashed. “Just…getting things out that people need to know, I guess.”

“I think it’s wonderful what you’re doing, Teddy.” Hermione piped up from the stove, where she was making a stirring motion with her wand over a pot of soup. “Just wonderful. If people can learn to stop treating all werewolves like savage monsters, the number of _actual_ savage werewolves will go down drastically!”

“Well, that’s the hope.” Teddy hopped onto the kitchen counter and grinned, combat booted legs swinging back and forth merrily.

“Rita Skeeter ambushed him at the Ministry last week.” Harry rolled his eyes, kissing Grandma Weasley on the cheek before moving past her to join Ron at the dining table. “I had to practically pry her off of him.”

“She is full of the most colorful slurs.” Teddy said cheerfully, munching on an apple. “I’d never even heard some of them!”

“That awful woman.” Hermione made a face. “Oooh, I just hate her.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Ron grinned. “She’s been around for so long I’ve almost forgotten what a Rita-free life was like.”

“I feel the same way about James.” Ginny ruffled his hair and James rolled his eyes.

As the adults settled into heated conversation over Rita Skeeter’s newest book about Sirius ( _As Black As He’s Painted)_ James sidled over to where Teddy sat on the counter and leaned up next to his friend so his shoulder was resting against the outside of Teddy’s thigh. Absentmindedly Teddy reached over and rested his apple-juice sticky fingers on the top of James’ head and James was suddenly, shamefully glad that Victoire’s family wouldn’t be arriving for a few more days.

“I love it here.” Teddy sighed happily.

“Me, too.” James replied quietly, currently at total peace with the hum of the adults’ conversation, the smell of dinner cooking, the shrieks of Hugo and Lily playing upstairs, the excited chatter of Rose and Albus as they discussed Hogwarts, and Teddy’s cool fingertips tracing absentminded patterns through James’s hair.

And if a part of him knew that it was in Teddy’s nature to do things like play with your very male best friend’s hair while your thigh is pressed up against his shoulder and never think twice and that Victoire would probably have a harder time understanding that than others well, James just didn’t really want to think about that right now.

The door burst open suddenly to reveal George, Angelina, Fred, and Roxie all wrapped up in Gryffindor scarves and shaking snow out of their hair.

“Hello, family.” George grinned.

Hellos and hugs were passed around and before long Fred, Teddy, and James had raced upstairs to Ron’s old room with pocketfuls of Honeydukes treats and an epic battle of chess ahead of them.

James loved the holidays.

***

James had shared rooms with Teddy countless times before—for weeks at a time when Teddy stayed at the Potters, during holidays at the Burrow, even a few times at Teddy’s gran’s house. He knew how Teddy breathed when he slept, when he pretended to sleep, the way that his breath would whistle out of the corner of his lips sometimes. James knew that Teddy would mumble in his sleep sometimes, that he always slept sprawled out on his stomach and that whenever he woke up he’d flip the pillow over to cool side.

So, of course, James could also recognize the old nightmare instantly.

Comfortably full of Honeydukes chocolate and the undisputed winner of his, Fred’s, and Teddy’s chess battles James had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow; so quickly, in fact, that he’d forgotten to move his glasses from the place they rested on his mattress to his night table and so in the night he awoke to a sharp pain in his side. Groaning, he sat up to find his glasses poking uncomfortably into his ribs.

“Wizards can _kill_ someone with two words,” James grumbled as he yawned and fumbled around for a flat surface to lay his glasses, “but we can’t figure out a spell to help vision?”

He had just found a clean spot on his bedside table to rest his glasses when Teddy (a blue-haired tangle of limbs on the bed across from James) let out a small, pitiful, and infinitely familiar moan.

James froze, head whipping up to look at the sleeping form of his best friend. Teddy was facing away from him so all he could see was a messy tangle of turquoise hair and one skinny arm dangling onto the floor. For a second he thought he might of imagined the beginnings of the old nightmare, but then Teddy gave a little shake and rolled over violently, his face now visible and contorting with fear.

Quickly, James slipped out of bed and stepped gingerly over to Teddy’s bed, kneeling next to his friend’s head. Teddy was shaking now, lips forming words that were half hissed breath and half silence. Beads of sweat were beginning to slip down his face and darken the roots of his hair, changing the turquoise to a light navy color.

“Teddy.” James whispered, reaching out to brush a few sweaty strands of hair from his friend’s face. “Teddy, mate, wake up.”

“Mm, no…” Teddy mumbled, shifting restlessly. “No, not James…please…”

“Teddy, come on!” James gave his shoulder a little shake. “It’s just a dream, snap out of it!”

Teddy would not wake up, though. James bit his lip—this happened sometimes, if the nightmare got too bad. Teddy would just not wake up, forcing James to get louder and more insistent in his desperate attempts to stop Teddy from languishing in the agony of his worst memory.

The only time Teddy had ever met a dementor had been a freak accident; in a time when dementor attacks were ridiculously rare, very little people could ever say they met one. James and Teddy were around six and ten and they had been playing in the open fields behind the Potter home in Godric’s Hallow—it had been a cool, misty day that was perfect for fantastic make-believe adventures. James had been hiding behind a rock, ready to spring up and begin firing curses out of his “wand” (a smooth stick they’d found in the driveway), when he’d heard Teddy’s scream. Game immediately forgotten, James had run out from his hiding place yelling for Teddy—he didn’t have to go far. Standing about a stone’s throw away from James was Teddy, curled into a ball on the ground and screaming like he was being tortured as a huge…towering…floating, awful thing was looming over him. James recognized the black cloak and horrible, dead looking hands from illustrations in his father’s books ( _Now, James, if you ever see one of these you need to run for an adult as quickly as possible…)_ —it was a dementor and it was even scarier and person and James wanted to run, but he couldn’t. Not when Teddy was in trouble.

So James had run _towards_ the monster, but the closer he got the colder it got and it was like Teddy’s screaming was getting louder and louder and James had never felt more scared or more miserable, but he wasn’t screaming yet so he knew he had to help Teddy. By the time he’d gotten to the dementor, though, he was to weak to do anything but throw himself over Teddy and shield his friend from the monster above them. He’d wrapped his tiny arms around Teddy’s neck and buried his face in his hair and tried not to cry as the cold got worse and worse. Luckily for them, James’s dad had heard Teddy’s screams and ran out to see what was wrong. James could remember his dad’s furious shout, a blinding flash of silver light and a stag made out of what looked like liquid stars charging the dementor, and a deep warmth melting the ice in James’s chest. And then his dad had scooped him and Teddy into his arms and held them both against his warm chest and Teddy was crying big snotty tears into his dad’s robes, and his dad was murmuring comforts and James felt completely safe.

It hadn’t ended with that, though. From that day on Teddy was haunted by whatever the dementor had made him remember; the terrible blood curdling screams continued nightly as he relived it over and over in his dreams. As time went on, the screaming stopped, and the dream came less and less frequently—but James shared a room with Teddy enough to recognize it when it came. And just like that time so long ago, he tried as hard as he could to protect Teddy from whatever unknown thing tormented him so. Teddy never told James what he saw that scared him so much and James had never asked in return.

“Teddy, please wake up.” James leaned closer so he was whispering into the hollow of Teddy’s ear. “Teddy Remus Lupin, wake up!”

“DAD!” Teddy cried suddenly, sitting up so fast he would have collided with James’s face had he not at the forethought to jerk out of the way.

“Teddy.” James reached out to grasp his friend’s shoulder. “It’s me, James. You were having the nightmare again.”

“James?” Teddy’s chest was heaving under his thin Holyhead Harpies T-shirt.

“You look orgasmic, mate.” James snickered before unfolding from his crouch and sitting on the edge of Teddy’s bed.

“I—what?” Teddy yawned hugely and his breathing started to mellow. “You…never make any sense.”

James squinted at his friend. “Are you okay? That was a bad one. Took me ages to wake you up.”

“Yeah. Fine. I mean…yeah. I’m alright.” Teddy muttered before burying his face in his hands.

His hair had shifted to it’s original black sometime during the nightmare—a color in the Potter household that signified the worst kind of despair. Teddy only lost his Metamorphmagus powers when he was at his most miserable.

“Your hair is black.” James reached out without thinking to stroke a few of the midnight strands away from Teddy’s sweaty face. “That never means ‘alright’.”

Teddy looked up at James through dark eyelashes, hand catching James’s against his face. James could feel Teddy’s many rings pressing against his skin, tried to ignore the flush creeping up his neck as Teddy’s long fingers interlaced slightly with his own.

“When you’re not here…” Teddy trailed off and James could feel the quick beat of blood in his temple.

“What?” James couldn’t help smoothing his thumb over Teddy’s sharp cheekbone even as the rest of his fingers stayed immobile under Teddy’s gentle grip.

“I—“ Teddy’s eyelids fluttered for a moment. “When you’re not here…it just goes on and on…and it’s so…so much worse…”

For a second, James could feel the question _what do you dream about?_ heavy on his lips—so heavy it was almost impossible not to just blurt it out. But Teddy would have told James if he could—it wasn’t like he pretended not to have the dream, never tried to shield James from the reality of it. He just…couldn’t bear to speak it out loud, James thought, so he had never asked him to.

“I’m sorry.” James whispered instead, drawing their foreheads together so their noses were almost touching. His hand still rested against Teddy’s face, and Teddy was still covering that hand with his own. Now their breath mingled in a warm, shared space and still James ignored the flush in his cheeks, tried to pretend he wasn’t terrified of someone finding them like this.

Teddy huffed out an odd little laugh. “Don’t say sorry. You…you aren’t allowed to say sorry. You know how many times you’ve woken me up? How many times you’ve sat here, on the edge of my bed, until I was able to fall back asleep? Even now…you still know when I’m having it and you’re here…always right in front of me…”

“Not at Hogwarts.” James said quietly, partly because he didn’t know what else to say and partly because now Teddy’s other hand was curled in his pajama shirt’s collar as if he was trying to draw them impossibly closer. “Remember? Different dorms. I was always so worried you’d wake up screaming and I’d be too far away to hear.”

Teddy snorted, the familiar sound helping to ease some of the stirrings of newness in the way they were touching each other. “You worry like Grandma Weasley. It was always better at Hogwarts, anyway…I always figured it was because I felt closer to my parents there, you know. And being in the place where the Marauders were formed…it always made me stronger.”

“You’re strong.” James almost jerked back in surprise to hear Teddy imply he was weak, but the hand covering his and the hand knotted in his shirt prevented any movement. “Are you kidding me, Teddy?”

“Not as strong as you.” Teddy whispered, eyes downcast. “Not as strong as Harry. Or my dad. Or my mum, even.”

“Don’t.” James laughed quietly. “If you put me in that category, I have a lot to live up to. I’m nowhere near as strong as my dad or your mum or any of the Marauders, and you know it. I’m…geez, Teddy, I’m fifteen. Way to set an example as a High and Mighty nineteen year old.”

Teddy’s hand tightened in James’s shirt and he looked up suddenly so that their noses were longer threatening to touch but were now past that point—it was there lips, now, that were in danger of brushing.

“I’ve always—“

It was at that moment that Fred, good old could-sleep-through-a-giant-having-an-orgasm Fred, let out an enormous snore which effectively reminded James and Teddy that, not only were they not alone, but they were not alone very male best friends who were about three seconds away from… _something,_ and James was not quite sure what (or at least he told himself that) but it was definitely _something._

With a terribly un-manly little squeak James practically ripped his hand of Teddy’s and hopped up, stumbling in his haste to stand up. Teddy, being the ever-caring person he was, saw his friend was about fall over reached out to try and steady James. This ended with Teddy’s hand in a Very Awkward Place and both boys turning a ridiculous shade of scarlet and Teddy withdrawing his hand so quickly it was like he had been burned, and James’s backside Never Being The Same Again.

“Well!” Teddy licked his lips nervously, voice rather squeaky itself. “Thanks again for, you know, always helping…me. Er, out. Um. I’m suddenly exhausted! See you in the morning?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” James forced a grin, trying not to desperately hope he would _not_ see Teddy in the morning because he would hopefully strangle himself with his blankets in the night.

“Goodnight!” Teddy said in a forcefully cheery voice before lying down, rolling over, and pulling the blankets over his head all in one motion.

“’Night!” James replied, just as forcefully cheerful, before flopping onto his own bed and smushing his face so deeply down into his pillow he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t want to breathe. He wanted to not have to continue living so he would never have to face his best friend again.

Both boys spent the rest of the night trying to pretend they didn’t know the other was still wide-awake.

***

Christmas morning rolled around with a spot more dread than usual for Teddy. As he was awoken by James and Fred roaring Christmas carols in classic Gryffindor we-don’t-care-if-everyone-else-is-sleeping fashion, a funny little twist of panic went through his chest. It had been three days since his nightmare and the moment (moment? was that really the only word he could think of to describe it) between him and James that had followed. It had fairly easy to ignore it up until now—him and James had cheerfully avoided the topic the next morning and spent the past few days pretending nothing had happened and playing chilly Quidditch matches outside.

But Victoire was coming today. Teddy had a feeling it was going to be a lot harder pretending he hadn’t had a split-second urge to kiss James when he was kissing his girlfriend.

 _But_ why _would I even want to kiss James? Even be tempted for a second?_ Teddy gnawed on his lower lip, taking a few more precious moments to pretend he was sleeping through James and Fred’s holiday cheer. _I mean…it must have just been because he was so close and he’s always…always there to comfort me when I have that nightmare…and because I’ve just missed him so much not being in school anymore…that’s got to be it…_

Momentarily satisfied by his forceful excuses, and hopeful that Victoire wouldn’t somehow taste the guilt on his tongue when he saw her, Teddy sat up and started pelting James and Fred with his socks so they’d shut up.

“Merry Christmas!” Lily chirped as the three boys tumbled into the warm, sweet-smelling kitchen.

“Merry Christmas, Lil.” Teddy scooped up the youngest Potter in a hug and kissed her on the top of her head, right where her fiery red hair parted. “I have a present for you!”

“Oooh, yay!” Lily smiled. “I have a present for you, too!”

“We’re opening presents out in the sitting room.” Grandma Weasley waved her hands at them. “Go on, we’ll all be out in a minute.”

Just as the four of them were walking (and in Lily’s case, skipping) over to the Weasley’s sitting room the front door opened and Victoire burst through, already running for Teddy.

“Teddy!” She cried, arms thrown around his neck and lips pressed against his cheek in record time.

“Hello.” Teddy purred against her silvery strawberry blond hair, inhaling her inexplicable yet delicious scent of vanilla. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” said Victoire breathlessly before leaning up on her toes and pressing her lips against his.

_James was so close so close dark auburn hair falling in front of his warm brown eyes and chest moving quickly fingers against Teddy’s face and his lips so close so close parted slightly…_

Teddy kissed Victoire back fiercely, desperate to replace the images of James in his head with the reality of Victoire’s lithe body beneath his hands and hoping that the warmth of her against him would somehow burn out the small, desperate desire to not forget how it had felt to be so, so close to James.

“Oi! Hormonal teenagers!” Bill cuffed the back of Teddy’s head gently. “This is a family occasion.”

“Sorry, Bill.” Teddy broke away from Victoire and grinned up at his girlfriend’s father.

“Eet is so good to see all of you!” Fleur cried, intense beauty making the room glow a bit brighter as she swooped in to hug Grandma Weasley. “Teddy, I ‘ope you are being good to my Victoire, yes?”

“Of course, Mrs. Weasley.” Teddy smiled, circling an arm around Victoire’s waist as Dominique and Louis ran into the house and were enfolded into the circle of Weasley cousins immediately. 

“Oh, hush. ‘Ow many times must I ask you to call me Fleur?”

“Er.” Teddy blushed and everyone laughed.

“Well, come on everyone, let’s go open presents!” Lily cried before tugging Louis into the sitting room, followed by what James fondly referred to as The Trio That Will Be The Death Of Me; Albus, Rose, and Dominique.

Everyone filed into the Weasley’s sitting room and Teddy took a moment to observe them all: Ron, Hermione, Rose, and Hugo (the former with the Weasley red hair, the latter with his mum’s thick brown hair); George, Angelina, Fred, and Roxanne (both children had their mum’s dark skin and hair, but their dad’s vivid blue eyes); Bill, Fleur, Victoire, Dominique, and Louis (all three with varying degrees of silvery-blond and ginger hair, all three with ocean-colored eyes); Percy, Audrey, Molly, and Lucy (both girls with Weasley hair and their mum’s dark eyes, though only Lucy had inherited her dad’s glasses); and, finally, the Potters. James had his mother’s dark brown eyes and his grandmother’s deep auburn hair, Albus was the picture of Harry, and Lily was a stunning combination of her mother and her grandmother.

And then there was Teddy. His hair was black, though he usually kept it a dark turquoise or a light green. He had his dead dad’s light brown eyes and rather large nose, which he usually morphed smaller and thinner. He had his dead mum’s mouth and cheekbones.

 If a stranger looked into the sitting room right now, they would be been able to pick out the one who didn’t belong right away. In a room filled with a family who all resembled each other so closely, who were so obviously related, Teddy stuck out so obviously it was almost painful.

“Are you okay?” Victoire’s soft voice helped Teddy tear his eyes away from the rest of the room.

“Me? Of course.” Teddy grinned at her. “Let’s open presents, then!”

He found himself wedged on a couch between Victoire and James, which was, to say the least, a jarring balance between comforting and down right disturbing.

Everyone laughed at the shirt Teddy gave Harry (it had been wrapped around Snitch-shaped cufflinks so Teddy figured it was okay), and Grandad Weasley was beside himself at the television Teddy had managed to scrounge from his Muggle friend Aaron so, all in all, the Christmas shopping was a success and Teddy was immensely glad it was over.

Victoire gave him a hand-knitted hat that looked like a purple Pigmy Puff (excellent), Harry and Ginny gave him silvery-white scarf that was charmed to change color to match when he changed his hair (PHWOAR BRILLIANT), and Lily gave him a prowling little wolf figurine that was the same light brown color as his eyes (oddly touching).

“Here you go.” James shoved a small wrapped present into his hands after Teddy had set the wolf down to stalk around his ankles. “It’s not much, but I figured you’d like it. And thanks for _Potions for Pranksters,_ mate.”

“Of course.” Teddy winked at him, glad that he could look his friend in the eye without being transported back to That Night.

He tore the wrapped off James’s gift to find a small brown box. Lifting the lid off gingerly, Teddy’s mouth dropped open at what lay nested inside. It was a necklace with a rectangular silver charm hung off a smooth black cord—something Teddy would have worn in a heartbeat normally, but what made it truly special was the thick wooden splinter that was encased behind smooth glass in the rectangular charm

“That’s not…” Teddy looked up at James, mouth drying with the perfection of the gift.

“Yeah.” James grinned sheepishly. “It’s a splinter from the Shack. Biggest I could find that would still fit in a necklace. I know I’m a total nonce but…”

Teddy threw his arms around his friend, glad that his usual level of exuberance made outbursts like this totally normal and not at all reminiscent of That Night. _I hope…_

“Thank you.” Teddy gripped James’s shoulders, looking him directly in his dark eyes. “It’s absolutely brilliant, Jamie.”

“Now you’ve got a bit of the Shack wherever you go.” James smiled gently.

Teddy and James grinned at each other, all the half-there awkwardness that had surrounded them suddenly gone in the warmth of this bond, this token of their friendship.

The moment was ruined when George said: “Oi, get a room!”

James and Teddy both turned identical shades of brilliant crimson. 

***

            “You ready?”

            James looked up from his new chess set to see Teddy striding into Ron’s old room, winding the silvery scarf around his neck where it instantly changed to the same cool turquoise as his hair. 

            “That is really brilliant.” Teddy smiled fondly down at the scarf. “Your parents give such excellent gifts. Not as excellent as you, though.”

            Teddy tapped the necklace James had given him. The pendent lay just above Teddy’s skinny breastbone, the silver frame shining around the dull brown of the wood. James grinned; he was still proud of how it had turned out.

            “I’m ready if you are.” James stood up and grabbed his old Gryffindor hat off his bed. “Tell everyone where we’re going?”

            “Er.” Teddy peeked over his shoulder. “If by ‘tell everyone where we’re going’ you mean ‘tell everyone you and me were going into the village to pick up some of those Muggle chocolates I like’, then yes.”

            James raised his eyebrows. “Why did you tell them that?”

            “Because,” Teddy was chewing on his bottom lip agitatedly, “I don’t…want anyone else to come right now. And…no one wants to go into the Muggle village.”

            “Ah.” James said quietly, understanding.

            Teddy didn’t want Victoire to come to the graveyard. For years, it had just been James and Teddy who would go pay their respects to Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks. But now that Teddy was dating someone…especially someone who was not only related to James but at this moment, downstairs. She would definitely want to come. Think it was her duty as a girlfriend to clutch at Teddy’s manly waist and perhaps cry girly tears for him as she petted his hair.

            Teddy would hate that.

            “Okay.” James exhaled slowly, feeling oddly guilty. “Let’s go to the village, then.”

            Teddy’s smile was so grateful the guilty feeling was immediately erased. They rushed out into the cold, calling goodbyes back into the house as Grandma Weasley warned them to be careful and be back soon, and as soon as they were out of sight Teddy grabbed James’s arm and turned on the spot and they were forced into crushing blackness.

            “I…hate…Apparating.” James panted as he landed on his knees in a familiar graveyard. “Worse—sensation—ever…!”

            “Oh, stop whining.” Teddy pulled his new Pigmy Puff hat over his ears and rolled his shoulders. “You’ll get used to it.”

            “I’m going to inherit Sirius’s motorbike.” James grumbled as Teddy helped him to his feet. “And I’ll never need to Apparate.”

            Teddy just rolled his eyes and the two of them set off through the headstones. They both knew this small graveyard like it was a second home, and it took only a few minutes to find the headstones they were looking for.

            The headstones were slightly worn from years exposed the elements, but the smooth white stone still shone in the diffused winter sun and the names carved into the front were clearly legible.

            “’Remus John Lupin’.” James traced the name of Teddy’s father idly. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Lupin. And Tonks, of course.”

            “Mr. Lupin and Tonks?” Teddy snorted as he sat cross-legged in between his parent’s headstones, one elbow touching his dad’s and one touching his mom’s. “I think you’ve got your formalities mixed up a bit.”

            “Maybe.” James sat down across from Teddy, assuming the position they’d sat for the years they’d come to visit. “But everyone calls her Tonks…but I feel weird calling your dad by his first name.”

            “Hear that, dad?” Teddy rested his forehead on Remus Lupin’s headstone. “He thinks your name is weird. Insulting my middle name, too!”

            “Shut up.” James rolled his eyes. “Don’t listen to him, Mr. Lupin, your son is a horrible liar.”

            This was why Victoire couldn’t come to the graveyard. Teddy did not need someone to weep for him, to ask how he was feeling, to hold him as if to comfort the pain he felt. Teddy came to the graveyard to talk to his parents, joke with James, dust off his parents’ headstones and murmur gentle, loving teases as he did.

            “Check out this scarf Harry and Ginny got me, mum and dad.” Teddy fingered the turquoise scarf. “It changes color when I change my hair! I know you would have loved it, mum. Watch!” He shifted his hair to the vibrant bubble-gum pink that his mother usually wore in the pictures they had of her. The scarf changed along with him.

            “That color really suites you.” James said dryly, grinning.

            “He’s just jealous cuz his hair doesn’t change color.” Teddy whispered conspiratorially to his parent’s headstones.

            The two boys started laughing, the warm sound echoing through the chilly graveyard and bringing life to the two headstones that Teddy rested between.

            “Oh, I almost forgot.” James tugged a camera out of his coat pocket. “One for the photo book.”

            “Every year.” Teddy sighed. “Dad’s eyes were closed in the last one, you know.”

            James snickered as Teddy slung his arms around his parents’ headstones and grinned cheerily at the camera. James snapped the picture, as he had done every time they’d come to the graveyard over the years. He felt, though he’d never tell Teddy, that it was the only way to show Teddy growing up with his parents. To tie his aging, changing in with the parents he would never know.

            “Thanks for coming, Jamie.” Teddy smiled, resting his head on his mum’s headstone now. “I…you’re the only one I—“

            “I know.” James smiled. “It’s okay.”

            Teddy smiled back. “Bring any chocolate?”

            “Always.” James replaced the camera with a huge Honeydukes chocolate bar. “Your dad just loves his chocolate, after all.”

            “Yeah.” Teddy grinned. “He does.”

            The two boys split the chocolate down the middle and, like every year before that, Teddy split his up into thirds and put one piece on his mum’s headstone and one on his dad.

            James wondered, idly, what happened to the chocolate pieces after they left. He decided it didn’t really matter; the leaving was the important bit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Chapter Five: Something to Tell_

  
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter Five: Something to Tell

_Letters between Teddy Lupin and James Potter II, January 2018_

Hullo Jamie!

Happy New Year!! I rang in the glorious Two-Thousand-Eighteen with some lovely oak mulled mead and a few shots of firewhiskey to put hair on the chest (I can change the color of that, too, if you’re wondering).

 

Why did I just write that? I’m still a bit hung-over to be completely honest. I am utterly cotton-headed and my throat feels like I tried to drink sand. Oh well, that’s what Bloody Maries are for! I guzzle them as I write this letter.

 

How’s school? I get a few days off Auror training for New Years and I’ve spent them all either Drinking, Sleeping, or Writing Pro Werewolf Papers that are Impassioned and Very Right but Never Well Accepted. Oh, well, I persevere!

 

I also did something else this weekend! I got a cat! She’s small and light grey and very fluffy, and I named her Bear. So together we are…THAT’S RIGHT WE ARE TEDDY BEAR. She’s adorable and very friendly and doesn’t care that my hair changes color or that I wear Muggle clothes and she even lapped up some spilled firewhiskey and liked it which basically makes her the best damn cat ever. I took her with me to visit my gran, who also liked her, and I showed her the picture you took of me with my mum and dad’s graves on Christmas and she put it up with all the other ones you’ve taken (a bloody lot, might I add, it looks like we spend all our time in cemeteries) and she cried a bit which made me cry a bit and then Bear was licking my ankle and so everyone started laughing which, again, makes her the best cat ever.

 

Phwoar, I am still a bit drunk, aren’t I? I’ll send this letter now and go sleep for a long, long time and then get up and go to Auror training (can you hear the distant sounds of me weeping?), and hopefully by that time I’ll have a nice reply from you to shred up and use as Bear’s kitty litter.

 

I’m totally kidding,

Teddy

  
PS

Enclosed a picture of Bear and me. How cute is she??

 

Teddy,

Your letter was ridiculous and still smelled of alcohol. Will address the alcohol soaked ridiculous points of your letter in list form cuz it’s easier:

 

  1. I did not ever, ever need/want to know that you can change the color of your chest hair so THANK YOU for that, you wanker.
  2. Bugger school.
  3. I cannot believe you got a cat! When have you EVER wanted a cat?? Was this some kind of impulse buy?? Are you becoming a desperately lonely hermit who only talks to his thousands of cats??
  4. YOU NAMED THE CAT BEAR SO YOU TWO COULD MAKE ‘TEDDY BEAR’??? ARE YOU A MAN?? ARE YOU A BLOODY AUROR IN TRAINING?? WHAT SELF-RESPECTING BLOODY AUROR IN TRAINING DOES THAT?? APPARENTLY YOU.
  5. That being said, Bear is actually cute.
  6. Why would ANY animal care that you wear Muggle clothing? And you let her drink firewhiskey? Is that LEGAL?



 

How many pictures are there now? I’ve lost count, and I haven’t been over to your gran’s in ages to look at them.

 

If you spend every letter talking about how Bear is the best cat ever from this point on, I will disown you brutally and swiftly and THEN you will weep.

 

Don’t use this letter as cat litter,

James

 

Jamie Who Uses Too Many Capitols,

Tell me about school, you arse, don’t just say ‘bugger school’—that is immensely unsatisfying and how will I know if you need me to swoop in and rescue you from your evil classes?

 

Why yes, yes I am very lonely at the moment. I’ve been moving all my stuff from Kingsley’s place into my own flat in London and it’s A) Very far away from everyone I love, B) Small and smelly, C) Lonely, D) I feel bad for leaving Gran all alone but I can’t just, you know. Live with my grandmother forever. Which means I guess I should stop complaining about how Small and Smelly and Lonely my flat is. I don’t know. I only whine like this to you, Jamie, because I know you will either not care or call me an idiot and either way it works out okay.

 

I’ll have you know that I’ve wanted a cat for a long time! Ever since Hex passed I’ve been thinking that, instead of getting another owl, I’d get a cat! Then I realized that cats can’t deliver my letters! So shortly after I sent you my alcohol soaked letter I went out and bought a lovely brown owl and named it Fluffy so together we are…YES THAT’S RIGHT WE ARE FLUFFY TEDDY BEAR. They are my real family because some people (you) yell at me in letters and mock my adorable name choices.

 

Legal? I don’t think the Ministry has made a law regarding underage cats lapping firewhiskey off their messy master’s floor so I think I’m in the clear for now.

 

God, I haven’t even counted them lately. I’d say at least over a hundred, all of them have me, and maybe tennish have you AND me. I like those. There’s one where I’m like fourteen and you’re ten (remember THAT age difference? that was one of the awkward ones where my voice was getting deeper and other Hormonal Things and you were still this squeaky little kid who didn’t know what wanking was) and in the picture we’re always playing exploding snap right there between their headstones. We haven’t brought exploding snap on our little visiting trips in awhile; we should do that again soon! 

 

I will not turn into a crazy cat hermit or talk about my adorable pets in every letter even though I want to and even though they’re nicer than you are most of the time.

 

Not really you know you’re my best mate,

(Fluffy) Teddy (Bear)

 

PS

Just found out that Harry has some news for me in the Auror training department. Exciting!! I’ll find out tomorrow what’s going on.

 

Teddy,

Am worried about your sanity. Fluffy delivered your letter and left after taking a few beak-fuls my morning orange juice (do all your pets like human drinks?) and I watched him flying away feeling very sorry for the poor owl. FLUFFY TEDDY BEAR??? REALLY??? Mate, anyone would mock your name choices. I think I’m going easy on you, actually.

 

School is, you know, okay. Our teachers are going crazy about O.W.Ls now and I’m damn nervous. No one has broke down yet, but Sarah Thomas started crying yesterday in Defense Against The Dark Arts when Professor Creevey assigned us two twenty-four inch essays. Hell, I almost started crying.

 

I didn’t know you were getting your own place! Who cares if it’s smelly or small or whatever, it’s still your own place!! Can I come stay this summer? Please, Teddy, please? I bet my mum and dad would let me. I hate that I’m just turning sixteen next month and you’ve got your own damn flat. CURSE YOU.

 

God, speaking of annoying age differences fourteen and ten WAS one of the bad ones. When we were little it never really mattered, you know? When I was one and you were five I just followed you everywhere and you changed your nose to make me laugh. I mean, I guess it still doesn’t matter. Just looking back on the worst ones (most notable being eight and twelve, ten and fourteen, and fourteen and eighteen) makes me cringe. How do we always manage to stay friends through those? And why is, I don’t know, fifteen and nineteen any better than fourteen and eighteen? It just is, don’t you think? I don’t know. Need to find that certain level of manliness soon, please.

 

We should bring exploding snap next time! Remember that one time when we started that teeny tiny fire on accident? Seems hilarious now, of course, but I was pissing myself when it happened. If you let me stay with you this summer we can visit your gran all the time and you won’t even have to feel guilty!

 

Oh! We have a Hogsmeade weekend on Valentines Day, as usual, but since that’s only five days away from my birthday you should come and celebrate with us! You can even snog Victoire in Puddifoot’s as long as you come.

 

Really just come,

James

 

James,

I’ll come. I need to tell you something. Tell all of you something, I guess.

 

I’ll be pretty bust for the next few weeks so I won’t be able to write.

 

See you then,

Teddy

 

 

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter Six, Goodbye

 

February Fourteenth dawned cold with a pale, wintery sunshine flooding the grounds of Hogwarts.  James had been awake for about an hour before the sun had even risen, and he watched the sky lighten from navy to cobalt to a light, grayish blue with a dull disinterest.

            For what felt like the thousandth time, he lifted up the small bit of parchment that was Teddy’s last letter to him.            

            _I’ll come. I need to tell you something. Tell all of you something, I guess._

It was the most cryptic fucking thing James had ever read, and it didn’t help that Teddy had basically forbidden him to write back. James had, almost immediately after receiving the letter, written his dad and asked what was going on with Teddy. His dad had replied quickly saying that Teddy had some big things happening in Auror training and that it was his place to tell James what was going on.

            “Bloody unhelpful.” James muttered, stuffing Teddy’s letter into the pocket of his pajamas before stripping them off and pulling on a jumper and jeans.

            He’d find out today, at least, what was going on. That thought kept him strong as he ate breakfast with Albus and Fred and then as he set off across the grounds with Victoire, Fred, and Emma Jordan (hand in hand with Fred).

            “So what’s the up and up, birthday boy?” Fred asked.

            James had almost forgotten there was a point to this trip past finding out what was wrong with Teddy. “Oh, I don’t really care. Go to your dad’s place, Honeydukes, get something at the Three Broomsticks. Maybe visit the Shack. I’m really not fussed.”

            “You’ll be of age next year.” Victoire remarked, smiling her serene veela-ish smile. “Isn’t that exciting?”

            “Yeah.” James couldn’t rid himself of the feeling that something unseen was slipping away from him and thinking about turning seventeen next year wasn’t helping.

            _Teddy, Teddy, Teddy._

When Hogsmeade came into sight James couldn’t help the small sigh of relief escape his lips. He wanted to find Teddy and then strangle him. He wanted to find Teddy and yell at him. He wanted to find Teddy and hold him like he’d held him on that night during Christmas Hols, though that was the one thing he would not allow himself to do.

            “Thanks for, you know, not going to Puddifoots or anything, mate.” James nudged Fred. “Hope I’m not spoiling any big Valentines day plans.”

            “Puddifoot’s is for the intelligence impaired.” Sarah sniffed. “Even if Fred had asked to take me I wouldn’t have gone.”

            “Never fear, my love.” Fred twirled Sarah around, making her giggle. “I will never subjectivity you to places like Madame Puddifoots, I promise.”

            “You guys are so cute.” Victoire laughed as Fred dipped Sarah and gave her a big, sloppy kiss.

            “Adorable.” James’s mouth was oddly dry. “Now can we go, please? We’ve got to find Teddy.”

            Fred’s eyes darkened slightly. “Blimey, I hope he’s alright. That letter was a bit out of sorts, it was.”

            “I’ve written him about a dozen times,” Victoire’s mouth was pulled into a pout, “after James showed me his letter. But he hasn’t responded yet.”

            “ _Showed_ is a bit of a strong word, cousin.” James poked Victoire in the ribs. “You kind of tore it out of my hands during breakfast.”

            “I’m a bit angry at him.,” said Victoire primly, blithely ignoring James’ comment.

            “He’s being a prat!” Fred shook his head. “I mean, he writes this super cryptic letter and then basically falls of the face of the earth!”

            “It’ll be worse if he doesn’t even show today.” Emma said in an ominous voice and James’ stomach plummeted at the thought.

            “He’ll be there.” Victoire said calmly, and the undertone of _Or Else_ comforted James slightly.

            The four of them quieted slightly as they entered the village; Fred, Victoire, and James because they were worried, Emma out of respect for the obvious agitation they were all feeling. As they rounded the corner that led to Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes the nervous anticipation in James’s gut reached an arc, a critical point, and then there he was. Teddy, leaning up against Wheezes, hair a light purplish blue and Muggle clothes even blacker and tighter and more ragged than usual. His charmed scarf was looped once around his neck, the Shack necklace James had given him clearly visible. James felt a rush of relief so profound it was painful.

            “Teddy!” Victoire cried. She didn’t run forward to greet him, though, which James took as a sign that she was a lot angrier than she let on.

            “Hullo.” Teddy pushed off the wall, smiling at all of them.

            “You are such an arse.” James said fiercely, weeks of worry and doubt and fear bubbling in his chest. “What the _bloody_ fucking _hell_ is _wrong_ with you, Teddy?” 

            Teddy’s smile faltered but he walked over to the four of them, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. “I’m sorry. About that letter. I know it…I’m sorry.”

            “We’ve been so worried.” Victoire whispered, reaching out to touch Teddy’s cheek. “You didn’t respond to any of my letters, Teddy, and Harry said something was happening with Auror training but he wouldn’t tell us what and—“

            “This isn’t the place.” Teddy said abruptly. “Come on, I’ll take you guys out for butterbeers and tell you everything there.”

            Teddy held James’s gaze when he said this, wordless communication passing between them for a second.

            _I would never have done this to you._

_I know, I’m sorry._

James looked away, momentarily disgusted by how much he cared and by how little Teddy seemed to.

            “Please.” Teddy’s voice was soft, pleading. “Please come with me. I’ll explain everything.”

            “Of course we will,” replied Victoire, though James knew Teddy was talking to him.

            James nodded, though he still didn’t look Teddy in the eye, and Teddy sighed with relief. Slowly, the five of them made their way to the Three Broomsticks without speaking.

            _Teddy, Teddy, Teddy._

***

            “So.” Teddy was tapping his fingernails on the table nervously, stopping only when Victoire laid her hand over his. “I, er. A couple of weeks ago Harry told me to come to his office in the morning because he had something important to tell me. Something, you know, Auror-y.”

            “Adding a ‘y’ onto the end of something does not make it a word.” James murmured into his butterbeer, and Teddy shot him a rueful smile.

            “So what did Harry say?” Victoire pressed, glaring at James over the table.

            “He…” Teddy exhaled, the tips of his hair darkening alarmingly. Was this black hair news? James mouth went dry. “Well, he told me about this program that had been set up for Aurors in training. It…well, it’s really fundamentally important to the training and Kingsley was the one who thought of it so its, well, kind of a big deal.”

            James wracked his brain for any mention of a new Auror training program from his dad—none came.

            “So what is it, mate?” Fred asked gently.

            “Well. That’s what I needed to tell you guys. And Albus and Lily and everyone, really.” Teddy rubbed his face with his hand, looking suddenly exhausted. “The program sends Aurors in training to different parts of the world so they can learn about Dark Magic occurrences there, learn spells and techniques from new people, and just…broaden their perspectives a bit.”

            James almost spit out a mouthful of butterbeer. “Are you saying that _you’re_...?”

            “Yeah.” The corners of Teddy’s mouth were turned down. “I’m going to America in a week.”

            There was a moment of shocked silence, in which Teddy’s hair turned full on black and James thought he may or may not vomit up the butterbeer he’d just drunk.

            “F-for how long?” Victoire asked in a whisper, first to break the silence.

            “Until June.” Teddy replied, voice cracking slightly.

            James couldn’t take it any longer. He slammed his butterbeer down on the table and stood up, unable to look at Teddy for a second more. Deaf to his friends’ cries, he rushed out of Three Broomsticks and into the cold. Without missing a beat he turned in the direction of the Shack and kept running, angrily swiping the tears out of his eyes only when they obscured his path of escape.

***

            “I know you’re angry.” Teddy reached out to touch Victoire’s cheek, but she stepped back so his hand caught nothing but air.

            “Why didn’t you tell me before now?” She whispered, silvery pink hair fanning out against the alleyway wall she leaned against.

            Teddy cocked his head. “But…you guys are the first people I’ve told.”

            “Exactly!” Victoire snapped, face flushing suddenly in anger. “I’m your _girlfriend,_ Teddy, why didn’t you tell me before you told _James_ and _Fred_?”

            “I didn’t want them to know—“

            “And you think that if you had told me not to tell them I would have _gone and done it anyway?”_ Victoire looked like she was about to hit him. “Teddy! If you had asked me to keep it a secret, I would’ve!”

            Teddy opened and closed his mouth a few times but no words came out.

            “You…you didn’t even consider telling me first, did you?” Victoire whispered, eyes scrunching up slightly.

            “N-no.” Teddy replied, honestly, not sure what she was getting at.

            “Oh, god, I’m such an idiot.” Victoire was almost smiling now, as if laughing at herself. “I…I just wanted this to work out so much.”

            “What are you talking about?” Teddy asked, panicked now. “What’s not working out, Vicky?”

            Victoire sighed before stepping forward and resting her head on Teddy’s chest. “We’re not going to work out, Teddy.”

            Teddy’s stomach dropped. “B-but why? Because I’m going away for so long?”

            “No.” Victoire’s voice was muffled in his jacket, but it sounded like she might have started crying. “It’s because I am never going to be first in your heart, Teddy.”

            “What are you—“

            “I’ve liked you for years.” Victoire laughed, bitterly. “I used to watch you all the time during Christmas and Thanksgiving and everything. You were so handsome and kind, but you never really paid attention to me.”

            “Of course I—“

            “You were always to busy with James or with Fred.” Victoire’s voice was quieter now. “Mostly James, though. God, you two were inseparable. I thought…maybe that had changed but now I see…it hasn’t.”

            “Victoire.” Teddy grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up so he could look into her aquamarine eyes. “What are you saying? That because I told you I was leaving the same time I told James and Fred, you’re somehow less important to me than they are?”

            “Not less.” Victoire murmured, eyes searching his face. “Just never more.”

            Then she leaned up and kissed him once, deep and soft, before turning and leaving him standing in the alley alone, utterly confused and with hurt pounding through his body.

            _James,_ he thought as tears started to blur his vision, _I need to find James._

***

            The Shrieking Shack, silhouetted against the dull February sky, felt too far away to James. He wanted to hop the rickety fence and run towards the Shack, to bury himself in the dusty place and sit in some secluded, werewolf-ravaged corner than smelled like home.

            He was named for his grandfather; his brilliant, brave grandfather who had spent countless nights in the building James now stared at—a stag, always. James’s dad’s Patronus was a stag. James’s was a dog—a big, hairy dog that, when James had first conjured it, had filled his dad’s eyes with tears.

            “What’re you thinking about?” Teddy asked quietly, hands suddenly resting on the fence right next to James’s. He forgot, sometimes, how soundlessly Teddy could move.

            “How my Patronus is Sirius.” James murmured. “I mean, you know. Padfoot.”

            “Yeah.” Teddy smiled, eyes never leaving the Shack. “Remember how Lily just s _creamed_ when I was first able to cast mine?”

            “Well, what d’you except?” James laughed. “It’s a bloody werewolf, mate.”

            “Mm.” Teddy’s smile faded. James noticed dried tear tracks, iridescent streaks down Teddy’s cheeks.

            “Are you alright?” He asked, concern momentarily clouding the anger and betrayal he’d been feeling for his friend.

            “Huh? Yeah. I mean, no, I’m really not.” Teddy sighed. “Victoire broke up with me.”

            “What?” James’s mouth fell open. “B-but why?”

            “I’m not quite sure.” Teddy’s eyebrows scrunched together. “She said…something like because I’d told her I was leaving the same time I told you and Fred…she wasn’t ‘first in my heart’ or something. I don’t know. I don’t speak Emotional Female.”

            “Tough break, mate.” James looked back at the Shack. “I wish I could break up with you, though. Make it a gesture. I can’t believe you’re leaving.”

            “I know.” Teddy’s hand was suddenly covering his, rings a biting flash of cold against James’ skin. “It’s not really my choice, though.”

            “Well,” James pulled a face, “you decided to be an Auror.”

            Teddy laughed, shakily, hand tightening around James’s. “Yeah. Should have gone to work at Fortescue’s or something.”

            “George would have given you a job.” James smiled wistfully, painfully aware of how precious each second with Teddy was now.

            “Yeah.” Teddy sighed. “When I get back, you can totally come stay in my flat.”

            “Thanks.” James grinned ruefully. “But by then you’ll probably want to come stay with us.”

            “Oh, God, yes.” Teddy wilted slightly. “You guys…not to say anything against Gran but, I really feel most at home with you Potters.”

            James turned to face his friend as much as his covered hand would allow. “You’ll be fine, you know. In America. I bet you’ll have loads of fun and forget we even exist.”

            “Not likely.” Teddy snorted. “Speaking of which, though, I have something for you. It’s not your birthday present just…I don’t know, I found it when I was packing up and…”

            “Just give it to me.” James rolled his eyes, grinning.

            Teddy stuck his tongue out at James before pulling a photo out of his jacket pocket and handing it to him. “It’s from last summer, remember?”

            “Of course I remember.” James laughed with surprise at the photo. “I didn’t know you had this!”

            It was a picture of him and Teddy, taken last summer at the Potter house. Teddy was grinning like a maniac, as usual, and James was smirking at the camera. Teddy’s arm was around his shoulder, his around Teddy’s middle.

            “That was a good summer.” Teddy’s voice sounded closer than it had been a minute ago and when James looked up, he was nose to nose with Teddy.

            “That was when I actually got taller.” James remarked quietly, mouth dry. “We took the picture to prove I was almost as tall as you, finally.”

            “Yeah.” Teddy grinned, and James could see his wolfish canines pressed into his lips. “And look at you now. Sixteen in five days, and I bet you’ll be taller than me by seventeen.”

            “I dunno about that.” James, on a strange impulse zinging from somewhere in his stomach, reached out and grabbed Teddy’s T-shirt to draw them closer. “My dad’s kind of on the short side.”

            Their foreheads were touching, turquoise hair mixing with auburn. Teddy’s heart was pounding under James’s hand.

            “I…don’t know what we’re doing.” Teddy whispered, hazel eyes narrowed as if he was searching James’s face for the answer.

            “Neither do I.” James murmured, and then they were kissing.

            James had kissed a few girls before but it had never been anything like this; this was bodies crushed together and his fingers scrabbling at Teddy’s chest and wrists and collar in an effort to get closer. This was Teddy’s hands in his hair, Teddy’s teeth snagging on his lower lip and—

            Teddy broke it off abruptly, stepping back from James and staring at him as if he was a stranger. It was the sight of Teddy’s red, almost swollen lips that hit James with the reality of what he had just done, what they had been doing.

            “Er.” James felt himself turn a brilliant shade of crimson.

            “Um.” Teddy was red up to his hair. “That—um.”

            “A European goodbye,” James forced a grin, “you know, before you go all American on me.”

            “Ah—yeah.” Teddy laughed too, the sound half breath. “Once on each cheek and one, one on the mouth and all that.”

            “Yep!” James laughed too loudly, it sounded fake even to him. “So, um. Good…luck, you know. Er. In America.”

            “I’ll write you.” Teddy said quietly, some of the light fading in his eyes as his breathing returned to normal.

            James swallowed. “I’m going to miss you.”

            “I’ll be back in June.” Teddy whispered hoarsely.

            “I’ll see you then, mate.” James smiled, utterly torn between so many emotions his head was spinning.

            Teddy took two quick steps forward and hugged James tightly against his chest, something he’d been doing for years. He smelled like his soap and a bit like Spring, and a touch of what James’s dad smelled like whenever he came home from the Ministry.

            James gripped the back of Teddy’s coat, desperate to lose whatever had just passed between them in the familiarity of the hug. It didn’t quite work, though, and Teddy stepped back with an unreadable set to his mouth and eyes swimming with tears.

            “June, then.” He whispered.

            “June.” James nodded.

            Teddy opened his mouth, like he was on the verge of saying something, but he seemed to think better of it and turned on his heel and strode down the hill without looking back.

            James watching him go. He watched until the bright burst of turquoise could no longer be seen. It was at this point that he slid down into a sitting position and buried his face in his hands, letting hot tears of confusion and anguish and anger spill onto his cupped palms.

            He didn’t know how long he was there. He just knew that after what felt like hours, Fred came and silently led him back to castle and helped him into his bed.

            “It’ll be okay.” Fred murmured before ruffling James’s hair and leaving.

            James thought of Teddy’s lips against his, of Teddy’s stiff shoulders as he’d walked away, and knew deep down in his gut that it would definitely not be okay.

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter Seven, A Single Postcard

 

_A postcard from Teddy Lupin to James Potter, April 2018_

Jamie,

America is crazy and bright and loud.

The Aurors out here are really cool, you’d love them. They’ve been teaching me loads and learning about all the American Dark Wizards and Witches has been ace.

I miss you so much it’s crazy.

I’m sorry I haven’t written much but I’m dead busy and Fluffy can’t make the journey very much because it’s damn long.

Turned twenty yesterday. Doesn’t feel any different. Let’s hope sixteen and twenty isn’t an Awkward Age Gap?

Attached a picture of me on a boat and the Statue of Liberty’s regal toes. Wish you were there to fantasize about blowing it up or something.

June,

Teddy 

 


	8. Chapter Eight, Summer Hols Part One

 

Teddy’s earliest memories were of sitting on his godfather’s lap listening to fantastical, brilliant stories where his parents were heroes and his dad was a werewolf and there were Marauders and Orders and a man named Dumbledore, who was good, and a man named Voldemort, who was bad.

            The stories always ended the same, though. No matter if Harry stopped telling them at a certain point, or Teddy fell asleep with his head pillowed against his godfather’s chest, or if Ginny came in with a plate of cookies or, later, a round belly with a kicking baby—the story, Teddy knew, always ended with his parents dying, with an unknown Fred dying, with a place called Hogwarts broken but not gone. Voldemort was defeated and, always, Harry’s voice got odd at the ending of the story, as if he couldn’t decide if he was happy or sad.

            Teddy had been raised on these stories—barely even aware of when they turned from tales he was told as he fell asleep, to the hard facts they became in his Gran’s mouth, to the pictures Harry would show him, the gaps he felt in his family, his surroundings. When did he realize the sadness in George’s eyes was for the dead, unknown Fred? When did it dawn on him that his godfather had been raised as Teddy had; hearing about parents, knowing they existed, but unable to even remember being held or loved by them?

            He wasn’t sure—the stories were just a part of him, as intrinsically woven into his being as the ability to change his appearance or grasp a wand and feel the tingling of magic in his fingertips. Growing up with the families he had, in the world he had, where his stories were a history that every child his age grew up knowing, every adult Harry’s age had lived and relived in nightmares had created a bubble where Teddy never had to look at this stories with an outsiders perspective—he just _knew_ them, as everyone else around him _knew_ them.

            Being in America had changed that. Suddenly, people were _asking_ him about his stories. American wizards and witches, who had only ever tasted a small amount of Voldemort’s cruelty, were fascinated by the fact that Teddy had been born in the year of his downfall, that his parents had fought in the famed Battle of Hogwarts. That his parents had died there. That his godfather, the man who had practically raised him, was Harry Potter.

            There were stupid questions: “Did you ever _see_ Voldemort?”

            There were easy questions: “Is Harry Potter’s curse-scar really shaped like a lightening bolt?”

            There were questions Teddy didn’t know the answer to, though he knew the answers existed: “What were Sirius Black’s last words?”

            And then, there were questions that the askers considered mundane—interesting, but casual—but to Teddy they were so intimate he could not answer: “What were the ‘Marauders’?”

            The five months Teddy had spent in America had forced him to look at his stories through other’s eyes, and suddenly he saw more than he had ever wanted to see. He saw threads of countless lives, mingling and stretching and changing and (so often) _ending_ just like that. He read books on his stories, books that had been written by American authors who had only ever studied Voldemort, his rise to power, his defeat, and everything in between.

            The first time he’d read Sirius’s name on paper, Teddy’s mouth had gone dry. He knew Sirius as a laughing, dark eyed man in pictures of the Marauders. He knew him as a good man, as a fiercely loyal friend, as a loving godfather, as a dedicated Marauder from Harry’s stories. He knew him as James’s middle name. But he had never known him as a chapter in a book on Voldemort’s effect on London.

            His father and mother, always heroes in his stories, were listed only in the In Memorium lists that seemed to find their way into all the mentions of Voldemort and Hogwarts and the Order of the Phoenix. James Potter—not his Jamie, but Harry’s father—was usually only mentioned along with his wife, Lily, when people wrote on Harry’s life.

            Teddy had never before had to look at his stories for what they truly were—events and people and relationships that had all happened before him but had shaped him before he was even born. The people he knew, had grown up hearing about—his parents, the Marauders, a heroic House Elf—all of them were distorted through the lens of others, of strangers. And then the people he had truly grown up with, his godfather, Ginny, Hermione, the Weasleys, Kingsley—knowing them had made him almost famous.

            Teddy didn’t want to be famous. All Teddy wanted was to go back to London where he was just Teddy Lupin, and his stories were everyone’s stories, and he could spend time in a house where the Marauders were pictures on walls and he could fall asleep to James’s snores before the story ended, as always, with his parents dying.

            The fifth of June dawned bright and hot and Teddy woke up early to pack and ready himself for the moment, in a mere few hours time, when he could go back to being just Teddy Lupin.

            “We’ll really miss you, Teddy.” Angela Smith, head of the Auror department here, said as she handed him a small packet of Floo powder.

            “I’ll miss all of you.” Teddy replied with a smile—and he meant it, he truly did. He had enjoyed America, to an extent, but right now everything inside of him was aching to get back home.

            _Home._ Teddy smiled almost goofily at the thought as he threw his Floo powder into the fire and, with one last grin at the Aurors who had housed and trained him for the last five months, shouted “The Ministry of Magic!” and stepped into the welcoming tickle of flame.

            Spinning, colors, snatches of sound, then Teddy’s ass hitting cold ground unceremoniously and terribly graceless.

            “Teddy!”

            Harry was standing above him, grinning down at his godson. Teddy drank in Harry’s appearance—the untidy black hair, silvering just slightly at the temples, the vivid green eyes, the round glasses, the lightening-bolt scar. The man who had told him his stories, read him books, played with him, went to Quidditch matches with him, taught him how to cast a Patronus, given him more of a home than he could have ever asked for.

            “HARRY!” Teddy sprang to his feet, completely forgetting that he was in the Ministry of Magic, and flung his arms around his godfather.

            “I missed you, too, Teddy.” Harry laughed, hugging him back before stepping back to look at his face.

            “I don’t know why people do that.” Teddy grinned, his words slippery with relief. “Look at me in the face, I mean. I can change it at will so I, I just don’t know what people are expecting to see—“

            “I see you, Teddy.” Harry cut his godson off gently, green eyes aged beyond his years but somehow still so kind. “That’s all I look for.”

            “Oh, God.” Teddy buried his face in Harry’s shoulder again, realizing in a distant way that he acted like an over-snuggly dog a _ll the time._ “It is so good to be back, you have no idea.”

            “Let’s go home.” Harry grinned, the word and the casual way he said it wrapping around Teddy like a blanket. “Everyone’s waiting.”

            Everyone. Ginny and Albus and Lily and James. James. His James, his best friend, his companion since he had been born, the boy he had kissed five months ago and then not heard a word from since.

            The smallest amount of dread invaded Teddy’s bubble of happiness, but he pushed it away.

            “Yeah.” Teddy sighed, smiling so much it hurt. “Let’s go home.”

***

            The sharp rapping on the door, a sound James had been waiting in agony for, ripped through him with an electrifying mix of nervous anticipation and happiness and dread.

            “DAD AND TEDDY ARE HERE!” Lily shrieked, voice carrying up the second-floor landing where James sat, his long legs sprawled down the stair steps.

            James peeked through the stair railings to see Lily throw the door open, freckly face split with a wide smile at the sight of the two men who stood at the threshold of the Potter home.

            _Teddy._ The name was an ache, a tug at James’s chest, something that had fluttered on the edge of all James’s waking moments and that was the strongest thing in his mind in those quiet times between sleep and consciousness. Something ephemeral, almost imagined.

            But there he was, in the flesh. Teddy, tall and lanky and turquoise-haired with fingers and wrists glinting dully with metal. Teddy, grinning and laughing with a light sheen of sweat on his forehead and exposed collarbone. Teddy, with the Shack necklace hanging below the hollow of his throat and ripped black jeans and thin, faded Holyhead Harpies shirt achingly familiar.

            “Teddy!” James’s mum walked into the foyer and hugged Teddy. “It’s so good to see you again!”

            “I missed all of you.” Teddy hugged James’s mum back, the top of her head only coming up to his chin. “God, so much.”

            “We missed you, too, Teddy!” Lily was practically bouncing up and down in her delight.

            “What was America like?” Albus tugged on Teddy’s shirt, face alight with excitement. “You have to tell us all about it!” 

            “It was amazing.” Teddy ruffled Albus’s dark hair. “I took loads of pictures I can show you. But first, where is dear Jamie?”

            James swallowed about a dozen different emotions before standing up and leaning over the stair railing grinning down at his family. “Welcome back to Mother England, Lupin.”

            “James!” Teddy’s face split with a grin. “Get down here you little lurker!”

            James laughed before bounding down the stairs and then stopped short, not sure if the long months of silence between the two boys would have out a wall between them now that Teddy was finally back, finally in the flesh.

            There was only a split-second of awkwardness in both of their eyes and body language, though, before Teddy grinned and threw his arms around James, drawing him against his wiry chest and smelling different but still like Teddy.

            James let his eyes slide closed for a second as his chin rested on Teddy’s shoulder, momentarily losing all the awkward confusion he felt and losing himself in the total familiarity of being hugged by Teddy Lupin.

            “I missed you so bloody much, you wanker.” Teddy said as James stepped back. “I am so glad to be back.”

            James grinned, unable to vocalize how _painfully_ he had missed Teddy these past five months and how the missing was mixed, always, with the hazy double vision of the feel of Teddy’s lips on his.

            “Well, you’re back now.” James’s mum squeezed Teddy’s arm, smiling. “Come on, we’ve got a big dinner prepared and everything.”

            “BLOODY ENGLISH COOKING!” Teddy shrieked before tearing off in the direction of the kitchen, leaving the Potter’s blinking after him.

            “I _think,_ ” Albus grinned, “just _maybe,_ that Teddy missed it here.”

            “GET YOUR BUMS IN HERE SO WE CAN FLIPPING FEAST!” Teddy’s voice carried through the house and Ginny and Harry laughed as they ushered their children into the dining room.

            Teddy was already piling a plate with steak and kidney pie, lamb chops, and treacle tart. Kreacher was batting at his ankles, but Teddy didn’t even seem to notice.

            “Yum, yum, _effing yum._ ” Teddy hummed, deaf to the Potter’s laughter. “You can’t imagine the American food—I liked the pizza and burgers all right but _hot dogs_ are the foulest things I’ve _ever_ tasted and their beer? _Piss,_ absolute _piss_.”

            “Why were you drinking _beer_ when the miracle of _firewhiskey_ is available to us?” James raised his eyebrows.

            “ _James!”_ Ginny looks half-shocked and half-resigned, as if she had long ago lost the ability to be surprised.

            “Alcohol is alcohol, I’m not fussed.” Teddy shrugged before bounding outside with his full plate of food. “Let’s eat out here!”

            “Not like you’re giving us much of a choice,” Harry chuckled as he loaded up his own plate. Kreacher batted as his ankles, too. Kreacher basically batted at everyone’s ankles, except for James.

            James ended up sitting next to Teddy at the table Harry and Ginny had charmed into existence, their legs and elbows touching in the most casual of ways. It was comfortable, it was normal. It almost erased the past five months of silence, of confusion, of waking up in the middle of the night still feeling Teddy kissing him.

            Teddy told them all about America and they laugh and gasp and nod along at the right moments, and sometime during the night Lily ends up asleep in her chair and Teddy’s head ends up resting on James’s shoulder with his eyelids fluttering sleepily as James’s mum and dad talk about their days at Hogwarts, the happier stories, the ones that weren’t touched by Voldemort or by death. Ron vomiting slugs, spectacular Quidditch matches, the D.A. James knows most of the stories by heart, as do Teddy and Albus, but they love them anyway and they listen with faint smiles on their faces until the sky goes dark and they all traipse into bed.

            Teddy sleeps in James’s room, as always. James waits for it to be awkward, but Teddy is tired and satiated with British cooking, and the turquoise-haired boy curls up on the pull-out couch that was in James room specifically for him to sleep on, and James falls asleep to the drowsy muttering of Teddy dreaming normal, happy dreams. No nightmares wake them that night, and in the morning James waits for the influx of twisty emotions to invade his stomach, always along with Teddy’s name, but instead Teddy is bouncing on his bed and announcing that they were going to spend the entire day playing Quidditch.

            _Maybe this will be okay,_ James thinks sleepily as Teddy started throwing clothes at him haphazardly.

            But then James sat up and the blanket fell of his naked chest, and Teddy’s eyes seemed to snag on James’s bare skin, and then the two of them were blushing and stammering and Teddy was suddenly bouncing out the door calling back awkwardly that he was going to check on breakfast.

            James groaned and buried his face in his pillow.

            _Bugger._

***

            Ron and Hermione came over for dinner that night, prompting another large meal that had Teddy practically salivating, and then the younger kids and the adults breaking into their own groups and leaving Teddy and James the odd men out.

            Teddy had excused himself to go outside where, James suspected, he was smoking. Teddy had hid the fact that he smoked Muggle cigarettes for a long time, but James had found out halfway through fourth year and he’d tried to make Teddy stop. It had worked, most of the time, but James knew that Teddy kept a crumpled pack of fags around for when he needed them.

            And when he needed them, it was never a good thing. Fags were one step above black hair, when it came to Teddy Lupin.

            James finished drying the dishes quickly before catching his dad’s eye and nodding outside with a frown. His dad was the only person he’d told about Teddy’s smoking. His dad grimaced and waved discreetly at James, motioning him to go outside and make sure everything was okay.

            With a sigh, James tossed the dishtowel he’d been using (only a year until he could do magic outside school, _thank God)_ and then slipped out back door, closing it silently behind him.

            Teddy was standing on the back porch, his back to the house, over-large and ripped T-shirt fluttering around his skinny body in the light summer breeze. His hair was cobalt, not turquoise, and when he stood silhouetted against the moon it looked like an extension of the sky, a burst of dusk on top of Teddy’s pale, bony body.

            As James had suspected, Teddy was exhaling clouds of smoke up to the sky, a spot of glowing ember and a thin white tube balanced between his fingers.

            “Teddy.” James said quietly, stepping up to his friend quietly.

            “Oh, bugger.” Teddy dropped the fag quickly, crushing it beneath his heel. “You caught me.”

            James ran a hand through his hair, brushing his bangs away from his face. “I don’t know why you smoke those, Teddy.”

            “I know.” Teddy sighed. “I just like them.”

            The two boys stood shoulder to shoulder, overlooking the Potter’s backyard and, beyond that, rolling hills and dotted trees.

            “You’re parents didn’t die so you could smoke things that kill Muggles.” James murmured quietly, knowing deep down that he was hitting low, too low, but unable to stop the words regardless.

            Teddy’s whole body seized up and then drooped, cobalt hair falling in front of his eyes. “You don’t know anything, James.”

            His voice was so hoarse, from the smoke or from emotion James wasn’t sure.

            “What’s that supposed to mean?” James snapped, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

            “Oh, please.” Teddy’s voice was bitter, almost a croak. “You think you know what it’s like to be me? To grow up the way I grew up?”

            “No, I just—“

            Teddy’s voice was a whisper now. “When I was six years old, I knew I wanted to live with Harry and Ginny. When I was six years old I had to realize that I was all my Gran had left; if she lost me, she’d have nothing. I had to choose to never ask, never act like I wanted to live with Harry. So my Gran would never offer, never have to face living without me. What were you doing when you were six, James? Getting tucked in by your two bloody amazing parents and playing with Albus and me?”

            James swallowed; Teddy very rarely spoke like this, these honest and desperate truths inside of him.

            “Just because I didn’t live the same life you did, doesn’t mean I don’t understand—“

            “Understand? _Understand?”_ Teddy laughed hollowly. “This is beyond _understanding,_ James. This is blood and bones and _marrow_. This is going to visit your parents’ graves every holiday and wondering, _desperately,_ if they can see you or hear you or know you now. This is wracking your brain, constantly and painfully, for any trace of memory you might have of them. Fuck! You want to know what I saw when the dementor found us? You want to know what I see when I have that nightmare?”

            Yes, god, yes James did want to know. The burning curiosity he’d felt for so long overwhelmed the worry he felt over the terrible, aching pain in Teddy’s voice or the fear he felt from the hectic shine in Teddy’s brown eyes.

            “Yes.” James licked his lips. “Tell me.”

            Teddy’s chest was heaving, he was glaring at James and the moonlight changed the light brown of his eyes to a vicious golden—a trick of the light, James knew, but something about it recalled the werewolf blood that Teddy had pumping through his veins.

            “I see the only _fucking_ memory I have of my parents.” Teddy’s voice breaks and tears start to track down his cheeks, silver in the moonlight. “I didn’t even know I had it until the dementor. I…it’s all blurry and indistinct because I’m so young but I’m…I’m in a pram, I think, staring up at the ceiling and then…then my dad comes in and he leans down and kisses my forehead and he tells me he loves me and that, that he’ll see me soon. And then he’s gone, James, he’s just gone. And then…then it just drags on and I’m staring at the ceiling and then there’s all this angry noise nearby and then my mum is leaning down, too, and her hair is pink and her eyes are dark and she’s lifting me up and holds me and I can see my Gran over her shoulder and she…she tells me she loves me, too, and that her and my dad love me so much and that they’ll both see me soon. Then she puts me down and she’s gone. They never come back, James. Never. It’s just the ceiling, the ceiling, the ceiling and then my Gran crying and…”

            Teddy shakes himself, scrubbing at the tears on his cheeks, and James doesn’t know what to do; he’s too horrified by the memory.

            “They never said ‘we’ll be back soon’.” Teddy whispered, looking away from James, up at the moon. “Neither of them said that. They said they’d see me soon. Never that they were coming back. I think they knew, you know? They knew they weren’t going to see me again.”

            “Teddy, Teddy, stop.” James grabbed Teddy’s sleeve and pressed his forehead against the skinny boy’s shoulder, gripping his arm. “Please. You’re right; I don’t understand. I don’t. But I…I want to do _something_ —“

            Teddy shuddered, again, and he made to move to acknowledge that James was touching him.

            “You know, I always thought that Harry and I were kind of alike.” Teddy whispered, voice painfully soft. “Both orphans before we knew our parents. But after being in America, I realized how different we were. Harry’s survival made him famous, made his parents matter. It gave him a purpose; turned him into a hero. My parents are just footnotes, more names in the list of the dead. I’m nothing. Their death made me nothing. They shouldn’t have died for me—they knew they were going to die, they never _never_ said they’d come back soon. But, with all that, with all their sacrifice…I’ve still come to nothing.”

            He was quiet for a moment and then he shook James off and turned back to the house, shoulders stiff.

            “So if I want to smoke a damn fag, who bloody cares?” Teddy hissed before slamming the back door behind him.

            James watched the spot Teddy had vacated for a long time, too stunned to cry or get angry or hurt. All he could see was baby Teddy lying in a pram and being kissed by the parents who were on their way to the Battle of Hogwarts—the last time the small Lupin family would be alive together.

            Teddy was right. There was nothing to _understand._ It was deeper than that; black and white, cold hard facts, yet somehow complex and never-ending and bitter as blood.

            After what felt like hours, James trudged upstairs to his room. Teddy was already asleep, his back to the door.

             

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter Nine, Summer Hols Part Two

 

When James woke up, Teddy was already gone.

            “Fuck!” James kicked off his blankets and practically jumped out of bed, running down stairs and skidding into the kitchen, where his mum was frying eggs.

            “Mum!” James collapsed against the counter. “Where’s Teddy?”

            “He left this morning to go visit Andromeda.” His mum turned to look at him. “I thought he would have told you that last night.”

            “We—we had a row.” There was no use trying to conceal the truth from James’s mum; she had a way of sniffing it out no matter how hard you tried to hide it.

            “Oh?” His mum tapped the stove once to stop the flame and turned to face him, arms crossed. “What over?”

            “I—God, it kind of just spiraled out of control.” James sighed and pulled himself on the counter, swinging his legs and glaring down at his interlaced fingers. “He was smoking a fag—“

            “I didn’t know Teddy—“

            “Yeah well, he does.” James shrugged. “Sometimes. Can we move on?”

            His mum sighed wearily before nodding.

            “Anyway, he was smoking a fag and I just got angry because he knows they’re bad for him and I’ve _told_ him to stop, and Fred’s told him to stop—anyway, I…I said, ‘your parents didn’t die for you to smoke things that kill muggles’.”

            “Oh, James.” His mum’s eyes were suddenly sad. “You really shouldn’t of—I mean, even if it’s true…oh, James, you really shouldn’t of.”

            “I know!” James kicked his foot out angrily. “I know, I regretted it as soon as I said it but by then Teddy was already angry at me and…from there he just got angrier and sadder, and he was talking about how I could never understand him because I wasn’t raised like him…”

            “It’s hard to know what Teddy has gone through.” His mum murmured, brushing a red lock of hair away from her face. “He’s like your dad in that way, you know, you just have to—“

            “But that’s another thing!” said James agitatedly. “Last night he said, he said something like he’d always thought he was a lot like Dad, you know, but after going to America he realized that his parents dying…had never really amounted to anything. I mean, you know how Dad’s parents kind of got famous because of Dad surviving the Killing Curse and everything? I guess…I don’t know, it sounded like the thought that because his parents were just part of a death toll that their deaths…that they shouldn’t have died, I guess.”

             James’s mum now looked very, very sad. “Oh…no…that’s not…not even close to being the truth.”

            “I know.” James swallowed. “But he doesn’t. He said…he said that he’s amounted to nothing. That Dad’s parents dying made him a hero but Teddy…Teddy’s parents died for him, basically, and he hasn’t become anything.”

            There was a swollen moment of silence in the kitchen before James’s mum shook her head, briskly, as if to rid herself of the thoughts within.

            “I’ll talk to your dad about this.” She sighed. “Teddy listens to him…more than anyone else, I think.”

            “Please do.” James sighed in relief. “Because I think I messed up royally last night and someone needs to help him.”

            “The things you and Teddy go through are very unique,” she kissed his forehead before turning back to the stove, “there’s no rules or tried-and-true way to fix the problems or the hurt you two have to go through. You both have to learn as you grow.”

            James thought of, again, Teddy’s lips against his. “What do you mean?”

            “Well…” His mum thought for a second, tapping her wand against her hip. “I guess, when your dad and I were growing up…our parents taught us about growing up with Voldemort, and then we were faced with living through Voldemort but we were already kind of prepared for it, you know? But you…all of you…are the first to live in a world _after_ Voldemort.”

***

            Teddy stood on the threshold of his old room; the place that, apart from the Potter’s, he’d spent most of his childhood nights.

            His bed was pushed up against a wall, with the head pushed against the window and a large chest nestled against the foot. The bedspread was a deep violet, covered in a pattern of iridescent stars and crescent moons. The walls were covered in posters for bands, both Muggle and Wizarding, Quidditch teams, and dozens and dozens of pictures of him and his friends. His bedside table had a single lamp and one picture frame.

            Teddy walked over and sat down heavily on his bed, reaching out for the picture frame and worrying his lower lip insistently.

            The picture was of his mum and dad and him, as a tiny baby. His dad was holding him, face gentle and smiling, while his mum had her hand on his dad’s shoulder and was grinning cheesily at the camera. Teddy had spent countless hours staring at the picture, watching his parents wave and smile, wondering who he looked like more, envying the tiny baby that was nestled between them.

             “Would you be proud of me?” Teddy whispered, brushing his fingertips against Remus and Tonk’s faces.

            _Their death made me nothing._

“Teddy?”

            He looked up to see his gran standing in the doorway, dark hair now mostly streaked with grey, heavily-lidded eyes sparkling with concern.

            “Sorry.” Teddy looked back down at the picture. “I was just…saying hello.”

            His gran walked into the room and sat down next to him, familiar smell reminding Teddy instantly of growing up in this room, this house.

            “You seem sad, Teddy.” She murmured. “Is something wrong? Did something happen in America?”

            Teddy was quiet for a moment, watching as his father brushed his lips against baby-Teddy’s tuft of ginger hair.

            “Gran?” He asked, in lieu of answering her question.

            “Yes?”

            “Do…d’you think that my parents would…I don’t know, be proud of me? Now?”

            “Of course I do!” His gran sounded surprised. “Why on earth would you think any differently, Teddy?”

            “I don’t know.” Teddy sighed. “Maybe it’s not that so much as…oh, never mind.”

            His gran was quiet for a long time before reaching over and resting her small hand over his, fingertips brushing her long-deceased daughter’s face.

            “You know, when your grandfather died, I thought I’d hit rock bottom.” His gran murmured, an ageless kind of sadness in her voice. “Ted gave me a new life, new hope, when I was drowning in the deep waters of being a pureblood Black daughter. I wasn’t sure how to go on without him. But Nymphadora…she had just married, she was going to have a baby. Mind you, I was little worried about your father in the beginning what with his…condition…but he was such a kind, gentle man that soon it didn’t matter. When you were born…I saw Remus, Nymphadora, and you as everything Ted and I had worked for. A new family, a happy one. There was light in my life again.

            “But then your parents died. At first Remus was just going to the battle…he told Dora to wait at home, to look after you. I think he was hoping that, if he died, at least you would grow up with a mother. But Dora loved Remus too much to stay at home…she left, too. I sat here for hours, holding you, and praying that your parents would come back. As soon as Kingsley walked through the door though, instead of them, I knew that you were all I had left in the world. For a second, I wasn’t sure if I could go on—my husband was killed, then my only daughter and my son-in-law. But then I looked down at you, Teddy, sleeping in my lap with your fluffy blue hair…and I thought, ‘this is what my daughter and son-in-law died for’. And I knew that if they could be strong enough to give everything for each other, for you, then I could be strong enough to push past my grief and give you the best life I could.”

            His gran sighed at this point, sad smile touching her lips. “I know that, perhaps, you would have rather been raised with your godfather. I know the Potters have always been able to give you a home that was a bit more complete than ours, a place where you were surrounded by the warmth of parents, instead of the grief we both shared for the ones you had lost. But I hope that, even if I perhaps should have let you live with the Potters, you can take one thing away from growing up with me…and that’s the fact that your parents died for love, plain and simple. Your father loved you so much, loved Harry and the other Order members, that he left to fight the people who were trying to hurt you. And your mother loved your father so much, loved you so much, that she left to try and protect both of you. Never forget that, Teddy. They died for love. And you are one of the most loving, good-hearted people I know, Teddy. So I know that your parents would be very, very proud of you.”

            Big fat tears were falling from Teddy’s eyes at this point, splattering against the glass of his picture.

            “I—“ Teddy bit his lip and then put his arm around his gran, now so much smaller than him. “I’m so glad I grew up with you, gran. You know that, right?”

            Andromeda smiled up at him. “You know I love you, Teddy. I love you, your parents love you, your godfather loves you—and thanks to them you can live in a world where you are not in constant danger of losing those people. You can’t ask for more than that, Teddy.”

            Teddy swallowed; the maelstrom of awful, mixed up feelings that had pervaded his chest since America (and, if he was being honest with himself, a bit before he’d left) refused to go away, not even at the truth inside of his gran’s eyes.

            He swallowed and set down the picture of his parents, scrubbing the tears off his face and turning to his gran with a smile. “So, um, you said you needed some help cleaning out the attic? I’m free all day.”

            His gran looked at him for a second, dark eyes boring into his light ones, before she smiled sadly and nodded. “Thank you, Teddy. That’s very kind of you.”

            “Yeah,” Teddy’s smile fell as his gran stood up and walked to the door, “of course.”

***

            When Teddy returned to the Potter home that night, he found the house calm and quiet. Harry and Ginny were talking and laughing in the kitchen as they cooked dinner, Albus was reading on the couch, and Lily was playing with the gnomes in the backyard.

            “Where’s James?” Teddy asked as he filled up a glass of water at the sink.

            “He went into the village,” Ginny raised her eyebrows, “I assumed you two had planned to meet there or something.”

            “No.” Teddy frowned. “And that’s odd. I’m usually the one you find lurking in Muggle places like that.”

            “Oh, he’s probably causing trouble.” Ginny sighed. “That boy is like Fred and George all over again.”

            “Not to mention his takes after his namesakes.” Harry said darkly before turning to Teddy. “Can I have a word, Teddy?”

            “Er, alright.” Teddy wanted to go look for James but Harry looked serious so, he followed his godfather out of the kitchen and into the foyer. “Something wrong, Harry?”

            “Ginny tells me you and James had a fight.” Harry was frowning. “About your parents.”

            Oh, bugger. Teddy felt a rush of annoyance with James.

            “Er—“

            “The things that Ginny told me…” Harry trailed off, a familiar look of grief in his green eyes. “Teddy, I really hope that you were speaking out of anger and that you don’t really believe those things.”

            “I…I don’t know.” Teddy hung his head. “I just…after going to America…I’ve been looking back on everything…a lot more.”

            “Teddy…” Harry reached out and gripped Teddy’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard sometimes. Hell, it’s hard all the time. But you just have to take what you know about them—what people have told you, and what you know in your gut, and not let it fester.”

            Teddy looked up at his godfather through the shafts of his blue hair. “Harry did you…did you ever think that…your parents shouldn’t have died for you? That if you could go back and…and change things…you would have rather they lived then you?”

            Harry was quiet for a long time, eyebrows furrowed as he mulled over the question. Teddy was filled with affection for his godfather—most people would hear the doubt in Teddy’s voice, the implication in what he said, and immediately start saying things like “Of course your parents wanted to die for you! They sacrificed themselves! They’re heroes, so noble! How could you taint their memory by wishing that you were dead etc. etc”. But not Harry. Harry knew what it was like to grow up like Teddy; he _knew_ in a way that no one else did.

            Finally, Harry spoke, his eyes dark but certain. “It’s taken me a long time to realize that when people like my parents…people like your parents…give their lives…in the end, it is really only their choice. And because they are in a place, now, where we can’t reach them…the best thing we can do is honor that choice. Even if it’s hard, sometimes, to live knowing people have died for you…or even if sometimes you think you would have rather died with them…the most we can ever do is remember _what_ they died for, and that in the end they were brave enough to choose and die for it. And we live so that their sacrifices are never forgotten. Does that answer your question?”

            Teddy was quiet for a moment, letting Harry’s words wash over him before he nodded. “Yeah. I guess it does.”

            “It seems impossible to move forward sometimes.” Harry’s voice was very quiet and achingly gentle. “You just have to remember that it does get better.”

            Teddy bit his lip, unsure if he felt better or worse or some odd combination of the two. “Yeah. Thanks, Harry.”

            Harry clapped Teddy on the shoulder. “Of course. Now, could you go look for James? Dinners almost ready and I really don’t need the Ministry swooping down on us because he’s exploded something again.”

            Teddy chuckled. “Sure thing, Harry.”

            He had something he wanted to show James, anyway.

***

            Teddy had always liked the village of Godric’s Hallow. It was small but had a few good Muggle shops and a great Muggle bar, and the little churchyard where the first James and Lily Potter were buried, where Teddy went a lot to visit one of his father’s greatest friends.

            It was warm tonight, the sky a pleasant cobalt, and Muggles were out walking and laughing in the dimming twilight. Teddy had a few Muggle friends here but he didn’t see any of them and, alarmingly, he didn’t see James.

            _It’s nothing, don’t worry._ Teddy tucked his hands into the pockets of his skinny jeans. _I’m sure he’s fine…just off causing trouble…_

But as the sky grew even darker and Teddy felt like he’d searched Godric’s Hallow twice, he started to get really worried.

            Teddy fingered the cell phone in his back pocket. He’d purchased it, secretly, in America after wanting one _forever_ and even though he knew it was absolutely ridiculous for a wizard to have a cell phone, he’d always had such a fondness for Muggle things and the cell phones were bloody amazing. Especially in situations like these. Unfortunately, Teddy wasn’t sure James even _knew_ what a cell phone was.

            He was about to cross the street when a quiet laugh reached his ears. Teddy froze, scanning his surroundings for the source of the sound. He didn’t see anything but that didn’t really mean much—his werewolf blood had given him fantastic hearing and an even better sense of smell. He glanced around, and when he didn’t see any Muggles in his immediate area he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply once, twice, three times, and— _there._

            James’s scent, a mix of fire and autumn and bravery and softness, was faint but there.  So were the noises of scuffling, leering laughter and whispers and, below all that, whimpers of pain. Teddy opened his eyes but kept inhaling deeply, through his nose, and edged along the street as James’s scent grew stronger. As Teddy reached the mouth of an alleyway a few meters away the scent became distorted with the rich, coppery smell of blood. Teddy’s stomach lurched with fear and he darted down the long alleyway without thought.

            The alley, a veritable canyon of dark brick and bad smells, seemed to go straight through to the opposite street block, but roughly three quarters of the way in there was a nasty looking metal fence topped with barbed wire. It was against this fence that James was propped against; eyes closed, face bloody and bruised. Surrounding him was a bunch of what looked like Muggle thugs; a gang that Teddy had seen glimpses of sometimes during his trips into Godric’s Hallow, and something his Muggle friends had complained about often. They had been grinning, laughing moments before—one aiming a kick at James’s ribs—but now they were staring at Teddy with expressions of suspicion and lazy, indifferent cruelty.

            White hot, blistering anger replaced the fear Teddy had felt moments before and his wand was out and pointed at the men before he could stop to think.

            “You bastards,” Teddy said quietly, “are going to regret that.” 

            “Oi, look, boys, he’s got a stick—“ The man’s jeer was cut short when a jet of red light hit him square in the chest.

            The other four were stupefied before they had a chance to scream and Teddy lowered his wand, chest heaving, dully proud that he’d always been quite good at non-verbal spells. Teddy then pointed his wand at each man’s head, murmuring “ _Obliviate_ ” with each point. An Auror in training had to be tidy, after all, Teddy thought bitterly. If anyone found these men, it would seem like they were passed out drunk. When the men awoke themselves that was no doubt what they’d believed.

            “Scum.” Teddy spat before kicking them out of the way and kneeling next to James. “Oh, buggering hell, Jamie. What the fuck _happened?”_

            James, being unconscious, did not answer and Teddy set about to healing his wounds with his wand. After most of the cuts and bruises were either gone or faded, and his cracked glasses repaired, Teddy tapped James’s forehead and murmured “ _Eneverate._ ”

            James sucked in a sudden, ragged breath and his eyes flew open. He looked around wildly for a moment before his eyes focused on Teddy.

            “Teddy—“

            “What _the hell,_ James?!” Teddy cried, fury almost masking his relief that James seemed all right. “What _the fuck_ happened? Are you a bloody wizard or aren’t you? Where the _fuck_ is your effing wand?”

            “I—I forgot it at home.” James exhaled shakily, his whole body trembling. “I thought—I was worried and I’d been out of sorts all day and then—I don’t know I just—forgot—“

            “The fucking eldest son of Harry _fucking_ Potter forgot his _wand_ at home?” Teddy sat back on his heels, hands shaking. “Is that—is it even _possible_ to be that stupid?!”

            “I know.” James’s voice cracked, and a thin trickle of blood started to run from the corner of his mouth.

            Teddy’s anger drained out of him in an instant and he was suddenly holding James against his chest, hands knotted fiercely in James’s shirt. “Fuck, Jamie, that was so, so stupid. I was so bloody worried about you, you wanker. Fuck, Jamie.”

            James was clutching Teddy’s collar, breath hot and afraid against Teddy’s neck. His shoulders were shaking slightly, and it was only then that Teddy realized how truly terrified his friend must have been.

            “Shhh, shhh, Jamie. It’s alright.” Teddy buried his face in James’s hair, tightening his hold on the younger boy. “It’s okay, Jamie, hush. Tell me what happened, Jamie. Tell me what happened and then we can go home.”

            “I—I was walking in the village…I like to come here to clear my head sometimes, you know…I was going to visit my grandparents’ graves and then…I don’t know I was walking past here and then someone grabbed me and pulled me into the alley and I was surrounded by all these Muggles and I realized I didn’t have my wand and then one of them was telling me to give me their money and I…I, er, might have told them to fuck themselves and then…then they started to…”

            “Oh, god, Jamie.” Teddy groaned. “Just because you’re a wizard doesn’t mean you can get away with treating dangerous Muggles like that.”

            “Obviously.” James huffed against Teddy’s neck.

            “Bugger.” Teddy sighed. “Can you stand up? I’ll Apparate us back home.”

            “Er. I can stand up but…” James sounded embarrassed now. “Can we, er, not let me parents know about this?”

            Teddy sighed. “As long as you promise you’re really okay then, fine. We can keep this a secret.”

            “Yes, I’m fine.” James tried to wriggle out Teddy’s arms but Teddy just tightened his grip. “Ow—Teddy—“

            “If you ever do this to me again,” Teddy whispered into the hollow of James’s ear, “I will do something unspeakably evil to you.”

            “I didn’t do anything to—“

            “I just spent the last half an hour searching for you.” Teddy’s mouth was so close to James’s ear that the slightest amount of movement brushed the barest amount of skin. “And then, when I do find you, you’re passed out in a gang of Muggles and you’re bruised and bleeding. I have never been so bloody _worried_ or _scared_ —“

            “Teddy, Teddy, stop.” James’s voice was oddly hitched and his heart was thudding. “I can’t—really think with you doing that.”

            Teddy wasn’t sure what he meant until he realized, belatedly, that he was practically kissing James’s neck.

            “Er, sorry.” Teddy flushed scarlet and finally relinquished his hold on James. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

            “I hate Apparating.” James muttered and Teddy shot him a dark look.

***

            The two of them were sitting side by side on James’s bed. They’d managed to smooth over the initial flurry of Ginny Anger with a story about how the two of them had been visiting the Potters’ grave at the little church, and now they were staring numbly down at James’s carpet.

            “I’m sorry, you know, for last night.” James muttered. “I—I was way out of line, Teddy.”

            “Yeah, you were.” Teddy sighed. “But I was, too. I’ve been…well, it’s been hard since America. I took out some of that on you and I’m sorry.”

            They were quiet for a minute before James sighed and rested his head on Teddy’s shoulder, a gentle and child-like gesture.

            “I still remember how terribly you were screaming with the dementor.” He murmured. “It’s weird, now, knowing what you were seeing that whole time…”

            “I was screaming for them to come back.” Teddy said quietly. “To not leave.”

            “Is that really what you see in the nightmare?”

            “Yeah.” Teddy shuddered and then rested his head against the crown of James’s. “But in the dream it just goes on and on…and I watch everyone I love leave. Everyone comes and tells me goodbye and then disappears and I know that they’re never coming back…just like my parents…

            “Unless you wake me up, of course.” Teddy murmured, smiling sadly.

            James muttered something that sounded like “as long as you keep needing me”.

            “What?” asked Teddy.

            “Nothing.” James shook himself slightly. “How was your gran?”

            “Good—Oh! That reminds me!” Teddy hopped up and dashed over to the hoodie he’d tossed on his pull-out couch. “Look what I found in her attic!”

            He pulled out three small, leather bound books. On each cover was printed, in simple block letters, the word “Journal”.

            “What’re they, Teddy?” James took one gingerly.

            “My dad’s journals from school!” Teddy cried gleefully, looking down at the journals with a fondness he didn’t know he was capable of having for a book. “He’d left them at my gran’s house when I was born. She’d forgotten all about them.”

            “Wow, this is brilliant.” James flipped to the first page of each book. “Look, he even labeled them! Look, this one is for years one-through-four, this one is for five-through-seven, and this one is what happened after he got out of school!”

            “I know, isn’t it crazy?” Teddy smiled. “He seemed like a right nonce, he did.”

            “Are you going to start reading them?” James looked up, the five-through-seven journal cradled in his hand.

            “Sure.” Teddy said at the same time Ginny’s voice floated up from downstairs calling them for dinner.

            The boys grinned at each other.

            “Maybe after dinner, then.” Teddy held out his hand. “And perhaps a night-time game of Quidditch?”

            “As long as Lily doesn’t play Beater.” James took Teddy’s hand and pulled himself to his feet. “She’s lethal.”

            “Too right she is.” Teddy shuddered and they started laughing as they headed down for dinner.

 


	10. Chapter Eleven: Firewhisky and Titchy Notes

Teddy,

So far the first week of Sixth Year is a million times easier than Fifth year and I’m damn grateful. That being said, with Fred and Victoire gone I’ve realized that I have few friends my own age, and fewer that are not somehow related to me. Am feeling rather pathetic.

 

That being said (again), and Sean Finnegan and I have discovered our mutual love of Pranks and Exploding Things so my loneliness is not yet complete. Is he Shack material? I can’t quite say yet.

 

Speaking of the Shack, took Albus there for our beginning of the year firewhiskey etc. etc. It’s a fine tradition but it’s not the same without you there to snort firewhiskey up your nose because I made you laugh and then sobbing/laughing hysterically while the lining of your brain/throat is burned away. Remember that night? Good fun all around.

 

Last year was O.W.L year (and since I managed to get seven of ‘em I’m not fussed) but this year is all about The Imminent Future. It’s career year, big, as I’m sure you remember. Fuck, fuck, fuck, I hate thinking about the future.

 

How’s everything going? Sorry for the short letter but I’m writing this in a free hour and I need enough time to get it up to the Owlery and back to finish my Potions essay.

 

Oh! One last thing—how far have you gotten in your dad’s journals? Finished the first one, yet?

 

I miss summer already,

James

 

Jamie,

It seems as if all of your relative/friends (first me, now Fred and Victoire), had to graduate before you were forced to Make Friends which is, my good friend, decidedly pathetic. Although, in that same line of reasoning, a twenty-year-old Auror in training who spends all his free time either writing to or being with a sixteen-year-old also very pathetic. And vaguely creepy when you put it in writing like that.

 

Oh well!

 

Don’t get antsy about the future, James, trust me. When I was in Sixth Year I had no idea what I wanted either but, if you asked me then, it probably wouldn’t of been “an Auror in training (which is annoying and hard and and hard) and working on a Pro Werewolf movement”. And look at me now! Bottom line is: if you want to do something go and do it and if you’re not sure just wait and what you’re supposed to do will reveal itself to you sooner or later.

 

My throat still burns whenever I dare drink something stronger than water or milk so, yes I do remember that night. You have never experienced pain until you have gone through the exquisite torture of snorting firewhiskey up your throat and out your nose. Just thinking about it makes me cough.

 

I’m all right. Auror training is hard but, there is an end in sight and then I can actually BE an Auror, which is admittedly worth all this bloody training. I got a few letters yesterday from people who actually LIKED the article I had published in the Daily Prophet a few days back on the Pro Werewolf movement. THEY LIKED IT JAMIE THEY SUPPORTED MY IDEAS. I’m so happy I could cry, honestly.

 

I just started his second journal. Almost all the way through his fifth year. It’s…I don’t know, almost indescribable, you know? Like, before this I just knew my dad from what other people told me. And between Kingsley, who went to school with him, and then other Order members, and Harry and whatnot I thought I had a pretty good picture of him but then actually reading his thoughts and his day-to-day experiences well…I don’t know. I guess I just really feel like I know him, now.

 

Oi, that was a thoughtful paragraph. How’s school/Albus/you? I’m going to probably be awake for the next twelve hours reading my dad’s journals (it takes awhile, as you know, because his handwriting was all…well, like mine. Messy, in other words).

 

I miss YOU,

Teddy

 

Teddy,

It does sound a bit creepy written out like that, honestly. I’ll be seventeen in a few months though and won’t that be BRILLIANT. We can be pathetic together, mate. Which is, in its own way, pathetic. Oh, well.

 

I kind of like the idea of waiting for my future to just fall into my lap, I suppose. I’m still thinking about being an Auror. It’s hard to seriously consider it with you complaining about the training so much but…I don’t know. It feels right, to me, I think.

 

I read that article! I felt like clipping it and circling letters to make rude words and sending it to you or something but, unfortunately, my homework loads prevents me from such pettiness. I listened to people’s reactions around me and I think you’re really starting to reach people, Teddy, I do.

 

School is busy but not as bad as last near. Got detention yesterday for setting off a veritable mother load of dungbombs during dinner. Albus is doing well as a Second Year, he likes all his classes and he’s having a better time at making friends that AREN’T related to him (novel concept, that) and he loves the Shack as much as we do so, I suppose I could have a worse younger brother. I’m fine, as usual.

 

That’s great about your dad, it really is. If you’d ever let me, I’d like to read them someday too. Don’t ask me why. It’d turn out to be a terribly Unmanly sentence and you know how I’m working on not having those anymore.

 

Of course I miss YOU too,

James

 

James,

Seventeen yes brilliant. Glad I’m reaching impressionable young people with my Pro Werewolf thingie. Dungbombs, Albus, excellent.

 

I need to talk to you. Like, urgently. I promise I’m not going to have foreign lands or anything it’s a different sort of Talk Urgently. Look, I’m sending this on Thursday and if you agree I can sneak into the Shack on Saturday and meet you there? Please? You get to see me and break rules isn’t that lovely! I just, really, really need to talk to you about this like NOW right now but I need to do it in person.

 

Say yes say yes say yes,

Teddy

 

Teddy,

You are so, so bad at writing letters. It’s usually like a nice, yearlong exchange of page-long correspondences about my life and your life and perhaps a few Mutual Experiences or Memories. But, noooooo you always have to break up that nice little pattern with your titchy little notes that are usually panicked and get me worried.

 

I’ll be in the Shack on Saturday (tomorrow), afternoon work all right? You better be fine and not moving to America or something.

 

You are crazy,

James

 

James,

I know I know I am a pain in the ass. You are LOVELY though and literally my favorite person ever. Afternoon is fine I will SEE YOU THEN.

 

Thank you thank you I am dying here (not literally don’t worry it’s not that Talk Urgently either),

Teddy


	11. Chapter Twelve: The Second Journal

Teddy was silhouetted against the dull, brownish grey walls of the small room in the Shack where the two had used to come on the first day of every school year. His vivid turquoise hair was the only real spot of color in the room and, perhaps, the entire Shack.

“How long have you been waiting here?” James asked, slightly exasperated, and Teddy whirled around with a relieved smile lighting up his face.

“Jamie!” Teddy crushed him in a quick hug. “I’ve been here for a half hour or something, I don’t quite know for sure.”

“You madman.” James rolled his eyes. “What on earth is going on, Teddy?”

“I—sit down, I need you to…I don’t know—just sit down, okay?” Teddy ran his fingers through his hair agitatedly.

“Okay, okay, sitting down.” James flopped down on one of the ruined armchairs in the room and raised his eyebrows. “Are you alright, Teddy?”

“I really have no idea.” Teddy tugged at the hem of his stone-grey Weird Sisters T-shirt nervously. “Just, I have, er, something to show you.” 

He walked to the black jacket he’d tossed onto an armchair and pulled one of his dad’s journals out of the pocket. He handed it to James who flipped open to the first page to see that it was the one for Remus Lupin’s fifth, sixth, and sevenths years at Hogwarts.

“Your dad’s journal…?” James looked up at Teddy.

“Open it to the bookmarked page and start reading.” Teddy said hollowly. “And tell me what you think.”

“Er, okay.” Only a lifetime of being best friends with Teddy allowed James to carry out such an odd request without complaint.

He flipped the book open to the page Teddy had bookmarked—it looked like it was somewhere towards the end of Remus’s last year at Hogwarts, at the very end of the book. James started to read. He read all the way to end of the journal, about fifteen pages. Then he read it again. And again.

Then he looked up at Teddy and swallowed. “Erm, Teddy. I’m going to be completely honest with you and um…it looks like…your dad…it looks like your dad and Sirius were, erm…”

“Together.” Teddy finished James’s sentence, voice quiet. “Yeah.”

“Phwoar.” James blew his cheeks up before exhaling in a sharp gust of shock. “Jesus, Teddy. I…fuck, this is bloody unexpected, this is.”

“I know.” Teddy flopped down suddenly onto the ground, massaging his temples. “I just…okay so in his sixth year, right, at the very end Sirius kisses him and then they both kind of freak out—“ James was suddenly very uncomfortable and wishing he was anywhere else at the moment though Teddy didn’t seem to notice, “—and then nothing else happens. So when I was reading it I thought that, you know, that must be it but then…well, you read it.”

“Yeah…” James swallowed past the sudden dryness in his throat. “I…bugger, Teddy, did you ever have any idea? Did anyone…I mean, does my dad even know?”

“Fuck, Jamie, I don’t think anyone knows.” Teddy cried agitatedly. “I think I just happened upon biggest bloody secret my dad ever had.”

“Second biggest if you, if you count being a werewolf and all.” James muttered, earning him a flat look from Teddy that could be best interpreted as Shut Up And Take This Seriously.

“Have you started the third journal yet?” James asked, slipping off the chair so him and Teddy were sitting side-by-side on the Shack’s dusty floor.

“No.” Teddy rubbed his forehead. “I brought it with me, though. Listen, are you doing anything else today? Because I…I want…”

“You want me to sit here and read it with you?” James raised his eyebrows.

Teddy flushed. “Yes, please?”

“Hmm…” James tapped his chin. “Does the fact that I have no plans better than sitting in the dark with you and reading your dad’s journal make me pathetic?”

Teddy exhaled in a relief, grinning. “’Least we’re pathetic together, mate.”

So they read. They read Remus Lupin’s third journal, the one that had almost daily entries until the day that James and Lily Potter died. The day that Sirius Black was arrested and taken to Azkaban. The day Peter Pettigrew supposedly died. It seemed like Lupin had just enough to strength to write every single thing that had happened down and then he just stopped. The next entry was dated thirteen years afterwards—the day that Lupin started teaching at Hogwarts, the day he met Harry Potter. They read the increasingly anxious entries about Sirius, about not telling Dumbledore that Sirius was Animagis, sporadic, messily written entries that were half memories of what Sirius was—what Remus and Sirius had been—and then Lupin almost reprimanding himself, trying to convince himself that the Sirius that was out there now was different, was not the man he remembered. When they got to the entry where Lupin was describing a dream (a nightmare) he’d had where Sirius had been found and given the Dementor’s Kiss, Teddy had to stop reading for a minute.

“You okay?” James asked gently, setting the journal down and touching Teddy’s arm.

“I didn’t…I didn’t know.” Teddy’s face was ashen, his eyes wide and unfocused. “How much my dad had gone through. I mean…this is…this is bloody depressing, this is.”

“Yeah.” James’s chest felt funny, all twisted up and tight. “This…fuck, Teddy, this is awful. We have to keep reading, though. That’s the only way it’s going to get better.”

“But it’s not.” Teddy’s voice was suddenly hollow; he looked up at James with eyes that seemed far older than twenty. “Sirius dies, James. We know that. It’s just going to get worse.”

Bugger. James had almost forgotten, in this onslaught of information and this idea of Sirius that James had never had before, how Sirius’s story ended.

“We just have to keep reading.” James whispered hoarsely and Teddy nodded.

So they kept reading. Sirius was found, the truth of what had happened thirteen years ago revealed, and suddenly it was like there was light in Remus’s life again. His entries were no longer as bleak, as lonely. There was a letter from Sirius pasted into one entry, sent while he was in hiding. Then the writing became messy again, agitated, and suddenly Voldemort was back and the Order was being assembled and Sirius was back, at Remus’s house, to tell him everything. And then…just like that, Remus and Sirius were together again. Like they had been before Voldemort had torn everything apart and James and Lily were dead and Peter had betrayed them all. The entries were more infrequent after that, but every one was so damn happy compared to the entries before Lupin had found out that Sirius was innocent James felt his throat tightening. He wanted to stop now—with Lupin happy and Sirius happy. He didn’t want to keep reading, damn it, but he had to for Teddy so they turned each page with trepidation. Finally, it happened. June 9th was blank except for a black slash of a sentence, a great ink-blood drip against the white of the page: Sirius is dead.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Teddy’s voice was thick and he was swiping at his eyes angrily. “Shit, James, this is messed up. This is beyond messed up.”

James’s throat was still feeling tight. “I know, Teddy.”

“I mean, if…if I hadn’t read it in these journals, you know, I might have hated it.” Teddy looked at James with red-rimmed eyes. “You know? The fact that my dad…loved another bloke. Sirius, too. Someone I’ve heard about all my life. I would have—god, I don’t know, I think it would have bothered me. But after reading this…”

James nodded; he understood. “I know. I’ve been reading, too, after all.”

Teddy was gnawing on his bottom lip. “We have to keep reading, right? I mean…fuck, we’ve still got like a quarter of the journal left.”

“Of course we’ll keep reading.” James took a deep breath and smiled weakly at Teddy.

“You are the best friend ever, really.” Teddy laughed, the sound high and sad, and the two of them opened the journal one last time.

If Remus Lupin had been depressed and lonely when Sirius was alive but a criminal, it was nothing compared to his entries now. There were only a few, but they were so painfully sad and broken that James found himself hating Voldemort and Death Eaters like he’d never hated them before. And then Tonks came into Remus’s life. Suddenly the entries were no longer as sad, though now that sadness was replaced with guilty agitation. Remus had never stopped loving Sirius, yet now he loved Tonks, too—though, as he would constantly berate himself over in the entries, not the same way he’d loved Sirius. And then Teddy. Teddy came. And with him came a sense of happiness, of calm that had been gone from Remus’s journal since Sirius had died. The very last page of the journal had a picture of baby Teddy pasted onto it, along with a short entry:

It feels as if my very life essence is contained in these journals. From my first day at Hogwarts to now, so much has happened that I would hardly believe it if it wasn’t my life.

The Marauders are gone now, except for me. I had thought, once, that if I lost them I would not be able to keep on living. Sometimes I wonder how I am still able to wake up in the morning—but awake I do, and there is Tonks and Teddy there to smile at me and remind me that this world that can be so cruel can also be an amazing place.

Someday I hope to tell Teddy about everything—about the Marauders, about Sirius—and hope that he understands. I want him to know that he, one of the greatest sources of happiness in my life, was born from my greatest loss. I want him to know that sometimes the thing that feels like it will destroy you will, in some way, gift you something wonderful, too.

I hope that Teddy never has to grow up in a world where he would have to worry about watching the person he loved more than anything in the world die. I want to help create a world where my son can love, and love freely, and never have to feel the things that I have felt. 

That is my promise.

R.J Lupin, 1998

“Jesus bloody Christ.” James muttered softly, licking his lips.

Teddy was staring down at the journal with an unreadable expression in his eyes, turquoise eyebrows furrowed.

“You alright, Teddy?” James nudged his friend gently. “I know…this is a lot…”

“Fuck.” Teddy shook himself, journal slipping from his hands. “Fuck, James, what am I supposed to do with this information?”

“Well, first of all give yourself a minute to actually take the information in.” James touched Teddy’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” Teddy sighed and ran his hand over his face. “Merlin’s pants, Jamie, I never would have expected any of this.” 

“I don’t think anyone could.” James flipped through the third journal again, stomach turning uneasily at the terrible black slash of Sirius is dead. “I mean…god…when you think about it…”

“If Sirius hadn’t died, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.” Teddy whispered. “That’s what my dad meant in the last entry.”

“And nobody else knew.” James shook his head. “I mean—literally, no one knew. If you hadn’t found these journals…it would have died with your dad. Him and Sirius being together, I mean.”

“Yeah…” Teddy chewed on his lower lip almost methodically; light eyes following the movement of the journal’s pages and James continued to flip through it.

James thought of the pictures he’d seen of Sirius—mostly before Azkaban had hollowed and destroyed him. He’d been tall and angular with shaggy black hair and grey eyes, always grinning or laughing. He had an aura around him, even in photos, that kind of reminded James…of Teddy, really. They both had a kind of inner brilliance, a laughing glint to their eyes, a wild edge to their smiles. An easy set to their shoulders, like they were always ready to sling their arms around friends.

“Our middle names.” Teddy said suddenly, breaking James out of his silent comparisons.

“Huh?” James raised his eyebrows.

Teddy smiled ruefully. “Our middle names. Sirius and Remus. Kind of funny, isn’t it?”

James thought of cold, of worry, of lips pressed together and then torn apart.

“Yeah.” James said hollowly. “Funny.”

Teddy sighed and flopped back on the ground, putting his arms behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. James followed his example, setting the third journal on top of the second before lying down next to his friend. The ceiling of the Shack was dim and dust, ancient beams that were pockmarked here and there with claw marks.

“Your dad certainly did a number on this house.” James remarked softly.

“I like it.” Teddy smiled. “It’s like, you know, physical proof that he existed.”

“You know, you’re kind of physical proof that he existed.”

Teddy started to laugh, but the sound quickly died and he was back to frowning. “Jesus, James, I just can’t believe everything. I feel like I’m handling this weirdly, you know?”

James rolled over and propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at Teddy. “What do you mean?”

“Like,” Teddy laughed, “I don’t feel weird about any of it, you know? I just feel sad, for my dad and for Sirius and everything. I mean, shouldn’t I be angry that my dad loved another bloke better than my mum?”

James snorted. “Of course not, Teddy, that’s not like you at all. I mean, hell, I think I might have been a bit weird about the whole thing, too, but you just can’t after reading all that.” 

Teddy was quiet for a moment before he tilted his head to look up at James. “This is all very confusing.”

“Pretty much.” James sighed and then checked his watch. “Bugger, it’s almost dinner time back at the castle.”

“Fuck, have I really been here that long?” Teddy looked surprised but made no move to sit up.

“We’ve been here for hours, mate.” James grinned. “I need to get back to the castle before people notice I’m actually gone.”

“Well what on earth are they going to think you’ve been doing all day?”

James shrugged. “Dunno, I’ll make something up.”

Teddy sighed and wrinkled his nose. “I wish I could come up to castle with you. Have you ever realized how life just gets more confusing the older you get?”

“Side effect of growing up, mate.” James ruffled Teddy’s hair before sitting up. “Come on. Don’t you have Auror in training things to do or werewolves to protect?”

“Hah.” Teddy sat up, too, rubbing the dust out of his hair. “I’m going back to my gran’s house to pour over pictures of my dad and Sirius and try to, I don’t know, get a grip on everything.”

“Write to me, okay?” James stood up and stretched, arms and legs stiff after sitting down all day long. “We’ll…I don’t know what we’ll do but, we’ll make sense of this somehow.”

Teddy nodded. “Can we…keep this between us, for now?”

“Yeah.” James grinned. “I wouldn’t know how to tell anyone, anyway.”

“Phwoar, isn’t that the truth.” Teddy reached out and brushed his fingers through James’s hair. “You are covered in dust bunnies, mate.”

James swallowed, trying to keep from blushing. “Er, thanks.”

“No problem.” Teddy picked up the journals and stuffed them in the pockets of his jacket. “Thanks for this, by the way.”

“Ah, well, if you can’t sit in the dark reading old journals with your best mate…actually, I think that’s the only person who would ever do this.” James grinned.

“Oh, shut it.” Teddy laughed and ruffled James’s hair. “Come on, I’ll walk you to the secret passageway.”

***

Teddy turned another page of the old photo album Harry had given him years ago, fingers and eyelids heavy with sleep. He had no idea what it was, but he knew it was well after midnight. His little flat was flooded with light still so he wouldn’t be temped to fall asleep, and Bear was curled up on his lap purring contentedly.

There were endless pictures of the Marauders, the same four faces over and over. Teddy paid special attention to his father and Sirius now, desperate for some kind of sign that everything he’d read in the journal was true. He paused at a picture of Remus and Sirius at Lily and James’s wedding—they had been together for awhile now, if Teddy was remembering the year of their seventh year and the year of the Potters’ wedding correctly. His dad was smiling softly at the camera, light brown hair curling over his forehead and at the nape of his neck—shorter than it had been when Teddy was born and light hazel eyes sparkling. Sirius was like a study of contrast—hair black and shaggy, eyes the color of a storm cloud, and mouth open in a laughing grin. He had his arm around Remus’s shoulder and their heads were touching.

“Jesus, we look alike.” Teddy touched Sirius’s face. “I never even noticed.”

While Teddy’s features, the soft and wavy texture of his hair was mirrored in Remus he could not deny the fact that he smiled the same way Sirius did. They even dressed the same—Sirius was wearing a suit in this picture but his collar was open, unbuttoned, and he was not only wearing a tangle of necklaces but fingerless motorcycle gloves. Teddy was pretty sure he actually owned gloves like that.

“This is officially weird, Bear.” Teddy slammed the photo album shut and pulled Bear off his lap so he could lay down. “I mean—I still don’t feel weird about it, you know, but it’s just a very curious situation.”

“Meow.” Bear curled up on Teddy’s pillow.

“Exactly!” Teddy jabbed the air with his finger. “The fact that I find this out a scant seven months after I kissed James is really very weird. Or are the two things completely unrelated?”

Bear didn’t reply; she was already asleep.

“That is a very good idea.” Teddy hopped off the bed and flicked off the light switch. “Let’s sleep on this, eh? Maybe—I don’t know, I’ll know what to do in the morning.”

He snuggled under his blankets and closed his eyes, letting the sounds of London wash over him. He liked living in London. He hated being alone. He hated the fact that when he closed his eyes all he could see was James, propped up on one elbow, looking down at him.

“Fuck!” Teddy muttered, rolling over so violently he woke Bear up. “I want to be four again. I give up on being an adult.”

Bear licked his forehead. It was something of a comfort.

After what felt like ages Teddy finally drifted off to sleep, arm around his cat and turquoise hair spilling over his pillow.

And then the nightmare came, worse than ever before.


	12. Chapter Thirteen: Letters To A Ghost

Jamie Jimmy James,

Happy October! Looking forward to Halloween?

 

That was my attempt at a normal greeting. Good, yes?

 

I was going through my gran’s attic (again) and I found this old shoebox absolutely  _crammed_ with letters between my dad and Sirius. They talk about your granddad a bit, too—you should read them sometime. At the very bottom are a few letters they wrote to each other after they got together…and then under those are some that they wrote after Sirius was proved innocent…and then under those (yes, somehow all of these managed to fit in a shoebox) are three letters my dad wrote to Sirius after he had died.

 

Naturally, I read all of them. The after-Sirius-died ones were even worse than the journal entries. I was actually close to crying a couple times (and by CLOSE I mean I WAS). How’s that for unmanly eh, eh?

 

I don’t know what to do, James. I really, really don’t. Are there like guidelines for this or something? A helpful book on what to do in this situation. HAS THIS SITUATION EVEN EXISTED BEFORE??

 

Help me. Help me, please,

Teddy

 

Teddy,

First of all, you are a nonce. Second of all, I always look forward to Halloween because it’s an excellent time to cause all sorts of mayhem and blame it on holiday spirit. People don’t take too fondly to that around Christmas so—‘tis the season!

 

Send me the letters your dad wrote after Sirius died. I’m bloody invested now, and if we’re ever going to…I don’t know, at least process this; I want to read everything you do. We can sort through the rest on Christmas, all right?

 

My mum told me, last summer, that you and me—all of us born after Voldemort—have to deal with things that no one else had to before. She said that people in her generation, people like my parents and people like your parents, were either raised with Voldemort in power or in a world that was still reeling from the fear of him. But you and me—Albus, Lily, Rosie, Hugo, Victoire, Fred, everyone—we are the first to live in a world where Voldemort is truly gone and never coming back. And our parents were all so involved in the war against him that of course we are kind of drawn into it. Bugger, it’s hard to say what I want to. You do understand what I’m getting at though, right?

 

We’ll get through this. YOU’LL get through this.

 

Send me those letters,

James

 

My Ever Optimistic Jamie,

I think I know what you’re trying to say. And it’s true—damn it, it really is. But at the same time I just can’t…I don’t know. Look at it that way, you know? It’s too complex to put in the black and white of we have different and new things to deal with because we were born after You Know Who.

 

Bugger. I can’t even write it out coherently, either. Here are the letters. Read them. Send them back. Have I mentioned how grateful I am that you are invested in this? I think my head would explode if I had no one to talk to about this. EXPLODE.

 

I don’t know if I want to ‘get through this’, as you say. How is that fair? How can this be my dad’s life—but it’s only something I struggle with for a bit before getting over and moving on. That’s not fair. That’s not bloody right.

 

I warned you,

Teddy

 

_Sirius,_

_It’s been three days. I don’t know what to do I barely know who I am. I thought the worse had happened when you were arrested, when I thought it was you who had sent Voldemort to Lily and James and killed Peter. I thought that was the worse. I thought that I didn’t know myself then—but all of that pales to now._

 

_I used to take comfort from the fact that you still lived, even if it was in Azkaban. Even though, at the time, I thought you had destroyed everything. Still I would catch myself thinking, in those dark times where one is not quite asleep but not awake either, that I was glad you were still alive. That at least you were alive. The fact that you continued to breathe, your heart continued to beat, that your eyes opened and closed and blood beat through your veins—I took comfort in all of that._

 

_Isn’t that just truly pathetic? I could not let you go, not truly hate you, yet I still believed you a murderer and a betrayer and I could not see any other option._

 

_I truly do not know how to keep living. I know you would consider this pathetic as well. I know that if our roles were reversed you would have been able to live, would have been able to smile, would have been able to face each morning without wishing never to wake up. I wish that it were true, that you were here to be strong and I was the dead one. I wish I could have seen Bellatrix fire that curse at you in enough time that I could have pushed you out of the way, taken the curse into my own chest, my own heart and blood and bones._

 

_I relive the moment a thousand times a day. It is my constant companion, now that you are gone._

 

_Remus_

 

_Sirius,_

_When I saw you fall through that veil I didn’t know what to do—I was frozen. And then I wanted to start screaming but before I could Harry was screaming. He was shouting for you, Sirius, and I felt his calls singing through my blood—he shouted what every fiber of my being was screaming. We called for you, Sirius, one out loud and one silently. But you did not come._

 

_I held him back, tried to calm him. ‘He’s gone’, I said. I think I was trying to convince both of us that if we lifted that black veil you would not be there._

 

_‘He’s gone’, I told Harry. I told myself, too. It felt like I was being ripped apart but I couldn’t, not yet, not when Harry was still there._

 

_Is it fair that the sacrifice of James and Lily, of you, all rest on his shoulders? Perhaps not. But he is the spitting image of James. His eyes are Lily’s eyes. And he, like I, know the pain of loving you and losing you. I want to protect him. I want to protect him and I want to protect the lives that have fallen before him—he is, truly, my last tie to James and Lily and you._

 

_The knowledge that James, Lily, and you would want me to look out for him was the only thing that stopped me from laying down my wand in the Ministry and letting the Death Eaters take me—I wanted to follow you, at that moment, more than anything else._

 

_But I live. For Harry, now. And with the knowledge that I will see Bellatrix Lestrange dead one day. I want to be the one to do it, but as long as she is dead I do not care. I know that you were always the more vengeful one but, in your place, I suppose I shall have to do._

 

_Remus_

 

_Sirius,_

_I know that I didn’t save you. Did I have a chance? I’m not sure. I go over the moment a thousand times, trying to figure out a way I could have saved you._

 

_I know I didn’t save you. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering if there will ever be a way to save myself, now._

 

_I highly doubt it._

 

_Remus_

 

Teddy,

Don’t you see? You saved him.

 

Dammit, Teddy, you can’t just take all this misery onto your shoulders and think that trying to process it or heal or anything is like an insult to your dad’s memory. His last journal entry was saying that he wanted YOU to grow up in a world where you could LOVE FREELY not grow up in a world where you couldn’t move on from the pain in his life.

 

Your dad wanted to die when Sirius died, right? But he kept on going, he kept on fighting, because he knew it was what Sirius would have wanted. So what do you think your dad wants you to do—wants us to do? That’s what is important, Teddy, not whether or not it’s ‘fair’ for you to try and move past all of this.

 

We have a Hogsmeade weekend November 3rd. I…well; I have kind of a crazy idea. Meet me at the Shack on the 3rd and I’ll tell you then.

 

It’s a good idea,

James

 

Jamie,

You are like an emotional drill sergeant or something. It’s kind of annoying and kind of wonderful.

 

I’ll be there,

 

Teddy

 


	13. Chapter Fourteen: Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place

 James tugged his coat around him (cloak left behind, today, in the interest of blending in) and trudged up the snowy hill that led to the Shack. Or, at least, the Shack that people not descended from the Marauders were privy to. A few kids, probably the ones that lived in Hogsmeade village, ran past him shrieking as they threw flurries of snow at each other. James paused for a moment to watch them run and laugh without a care in the world. Sometimes he missed being a child—Teddy was right in saying that everything just got more confusing the older you got. 

            One of the kids tripped and sprawled flat in the snow. James waited for the cries, but none came. The boy started to laugh and then rolled onto his back and started making snow angels. James grinned and turned back to continue walking up the hill. They could all take a leaf out of that kid’s book.

            Teddy was standing with his back to James, hands pressed on the top of the rickety fence as if he was about to vault over it. His shoulders and chest were leaning towards the Shack, perhaps unconsciously, as if some part of him yearned for the dust building more than anything else.

            James could see Remus and Sirius in Teddy. Perhaps it was only now, after all they’d learned, but it didn’t really matter. He could see Remus in the kind light of Teddy’s eyes and the strong curve of shoulder, wrist, and back. He saw Sirius in the bright smile that lit up Teddy’s face and the elegant lines of hands, jaw, and brow. Was it ridiculous? Probably. But it was  _there a_ nd James wished that Teddy could see it. 

            “Jamie!” Teddy crowed, grinning and walking away from the fence to hug his best friend. “Manage to get away from your friends okay?”

            James grinned. “Yeah, easy.”

            It was easy to get away from your friends with the only people you spent time with in your year were Sean Finnegan and Lorcan Scamander—one of which was in the detention, the other rarely left the Herbology greenhouses.

            “Alright, James, what’s the crazy plan?” Teddy tied his charmed scarf tighter around his neck.

            “We go to Grimmauld Place.” James replied bluntly.

            Teddy’s face when slack for a moment and then he grinned a wild, Sirius Black grin. “Phwoar, James, that is brilliant. You are also risking being expelled, might I add.”

            “Be still, my beating heart.” James rolled his eyes and then nudged Teddy. “Alright? You’d be Apparating us.”

            “I could get in so much trouble for this. Your dad would get very angry. Your mum might kill me.”

            “My dad broke more rules than I have in his time at school,” James rolled his eyes, “and my mum was the one who taught me the best way to detonate a dungbomb. Come  _on_  Teddy, they would understand.”

            Teddy chewed on his lower lip for a second before sighing. “Alright, alright. Let’s go.”

            “Great!” James grinned. “Now I’ve been there a few times before but that won’t be much help so I hope you know where you’re going.”

            “Harry took me there once.” Teddy shrugged. “As long as you think we’ll be able to get in okay.”

            “Got the cloak.” James pulled the rippling invisibility cloak out of his bag. “And it’s my dad’s bloody house so, I think we’ll be fine.”

            Teddy wrinkled his nose but gestured for James to take his arm.

            “What, here?” James looked around.

            “We’re alone, James, now come on.” Teddy shook his forearm impatiently. “It’ll be more conspicuous if we’re seen walking off together.”

            “Alright, alright. Let’s get the cloak on, then.” James held up the invisibility cloak.

            “I  _hate_ apparating under that thing.” Teddy sighed but ducked under the cloak regardless.

            “Hey, this  _thing_ made some of our most shining moments at Hogwarts possible. Don’t be such a wanker.” James took Teddy’s arm.

            “Oh, just shut it.” Teddy grumbled. 

***

            London was cold and loud and grey, as usual, and James grinned at the sheer scope of rule breaking that was standing in the middle of London on a Hogsmeade weekend.

            “This is going into the book as one of my greatest accomplishments.” James murmured as the two of them shuffled under the cloak to the door of Number twelve, Grimmauld Place.

            “But you haven’t done  _anything_.” Teddy muttered, rolling his eyes.

            “Yeah but it was  _my idea_.” James pointed out as they reached the dilapidated door of the Order of the Phoenix’s old headquarters, and Sirius Black’s family home.

            “That so  _does not count_ but let’s just suspend this argument for a second.” Teddy frowned. “Now, you open the door.”

            “Why me?”

            “Because this house  _belongs to your family,_ you enormous git.”

            “I’m taking Albus on my next rule breaking adventure.” James muttered but twisted the doorknob regardless.

            The door swung open and Teddy and James hurried inside.

            Number twelve, Grimmauld place was as dark and dusty as ever, though under the layer of grime the house was immaculate and some of the pots in the kitchen retained their shine. The boys tiptoed past the portrait of Sirius’s mother and up the stairs.

            “You know, my dad said if I wanted this place I could have it once I come of age.” James muttered as they reached the landing, stuffing the cloak back in his bag.

            “He really doesn’t like it here, does he?” Teddy brushed some dust out of his hair and raised his turquoise eyebrows.

            “Nah.” James started up another set of stairs. “Too many bad memories.”

            “I like it here.” Teddy ran his hand over the banister. “I mean, both my parents spent time in this house.”

            James glanced over his shoulder to see Teddy running his fingers over the walls as he ascended the stairs. There was Tonks in there, too, without a doubt. In the jewel-bright hair and wry smile, the glinting earrings and confident stride.

            “What’re you looking at?” Teddy raised his eyebrows.

            “Nothing.” James shrugged and then nodded his head at the door they were approaching. “I think we should start here.”

            “Sirius’s old room?” Teddy grinned. “Brilliant.”

            “I know I am.” James smiled smugly before pushing the door to Sirius’s bedroom open.

            The boys stepped inside quietly, footsteps muffled in the layer of dust that coated the floor. The room was the same as James remembered from the last time he’d been here with his dad—quick, stony-faced visits that always ended with his dad getting that dark look in his green eyes that James was only beginning to understand.

            “Jesus.” Teddy murmured, an awe-struck smile on his face. “Your dad never brought me here. Sirius was…wow…”

            “Pretty cool, right?” James always felt a rush of affection for the man he’d never known but grown up hearing so much about when he saw this room.

            The walls were pasted with Gryffindor hangings and Muggle posters of motorcycles and swimsuit clad girls, along with dozens of pictures of the Marauders.

            “Those posters are a bit ironic, considering.” Teddy nodded at one of the smiling, glassy-eyed Muggle girls in a bikini.

            James and Teddy looked at the poster, then at each other, and started roaring with laughter. It was ridiculous! Here they were, in the middle of London--breaking a host of rules—to try and find out more about Remus and Sirius’s relationship, and now they were staring at some Muggle girl with her breasts hanging out.

            “This is insane.” Teddy managed to wheeze out, wiping tears out of his eyes. “Look at us, James. What—what the hell are we doing?” 

            “I have no idea.” James snorted, chest tight from laughing. “Honestly, it’s like we’re possessed or something.”

            “I’m sorry for dragging you into this, mate.” Teddy said when the two of them had stopped giggling. “I mean—this is all kinds of weird, isn’t it?”

            “It is.” James grinned. “But, I kind of dragged myself into it, after all.”

            “I guess.” Teddy started to examine one of the pictures on the wall, a photo of a teenage Sirius drawing a careful mustache on a sleeping Remus’s face.

            James watched the way the dull, November sunlight curved through Teddy’s blue hair. There was something achingly familiar about laughing with Teddy in a dusty room that was tied intrinsically to the blood that pounded through their veins.

            “I think it started before the journals.” James murmured, eyes tracing the long lines of Teddy’s shoulders and back. “All of this.”

            “What do you mean?” Teddy turned to look at him.

            “We…it’s always been us and the Marauders, hasn’t it?” James looked around the room. “Moony was your dad…Prongs was my granddad…Padfoot practically was, too. We grew up with those stories and we just  _loved_ them, don’t you remember? When we were little, we promised to be like the Marauders in school. I stole the Map out of my dad’s desk. We came to Shack every year. We’ve practically spent our whole lives trying to learn more about them.”

            Teddy was nodding slowly. “Maybe that’s why we were meant to find the journals…find out about my dad and Sirius. Because no one understands the Marauders like we do.”

            “’Meant to’?” James raised his eyebrows. “Seemed like coincidence to me, really.”

            Teddy snorted. “Come on, James. This is too weird to be a coincidence.”

            “You have a point there.” James replied darkly, then grinned. “Anyway, what exactly should we be looking for?”

            “I have no idea.” Teddy rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess…it’s just because this is one of the last places with any real tie to Sirius, you know?”

             “Yeah…” James bit his lip then shrugged. “Oh, well. We’re bound to find something interesting.”

            The boys searched the large, long-forgotten room for a while. They didn’t find anything—actually, the room was pretty cleaned out.

            “Are we idiots?” James flopped back onto the large four-poster bed. “I mean, anything related to the Marauders was probably already cleaned out by my dad or taken with Remus when he moved in with your mum.”

            Teddy threw himself onto the bed as well. “I think you have a point there, mate. What time is it?”

            “Not time to go back, yet.” James yawned and wormed the rest of his body onto the bed. “I think I want this place, when I’m seventeen. I’ve been mulling it over.”

            “Yeah?” Teddy rested his head on one of the large, overstuffed pillows at the head of the bed. “Even though it’s kind of full of…sad memories?”

            “They don’t have to be sad.” James murmured. “Not to me, anyway. This place always reminded my dad of  _losing_ Sirius, right? But for me it’s a chance to be closer to his memory. And, if you think about it, this was the last place your dad and Sirius were happy together. That’s got to count for something.”

            “Oi, that was terribly unmanly.” Teddy snickered. “What is wrong with us, James? I’m still waiting for one of us to be like, Wait a second two blokes in love? And start being all weird about it.”

            James scooted up the bed until him and Teddy were almost head to head. “Yeah, me too. And it’s not even my dad.”

            “It’s those damn journal entries.” Teddy rubbed his eyes. “I swear if my dad wasn’t a teacher he could have made a good writer. I—his bloody  _letters_ make me cry.”

            “Maybe it’s because Sirius was more than just his, er, romantic interest. They were best friends, right? Marauders. I mean— _anyone_ with a heart can sympathize with losing  _that_.” James yawned again; something about the quiet warmth of Sirius’s room was making him sleepy.

            Teddy was quiet for a long moment and, sometime during the silence, James’s head ended up pillowed on Teddy’s shoulder.

            “He didn’t deserve what he got.” Teddy murmured. “Sirius, I mean.”

            “’Course he didn’t.” James murmured sleepily against the soft cloth of Teddy’s shirt.

            “I mean…sent to Azkaban for  _twelve years_ because everyone thinks he  _betrayed_ his best friend, then he escapes, has to go into hiding, gets back together with my dad, gets trapped in this old dump—no offense—for a year, and then dies. I mean—that is just a lot of awful for one man.”  

            James didn’t respond and when Teddy glanced down at his friend he saw his eyes were closed, glasses askew on his sleeping face.

            “Oh, Jamie.” Teddy rolled his eyes. “You really can fall asleep anywhere, can’t you? It  _better_  not be time for you to be at school, you wanker…”

            James’s eyelids fluttered slightly and he rolled over, burying his face in Teddy’s chest and curling his hand against Teddy’s ribcage. Oh, hell. Seconds ticked with aching slowness before Teddy rolled over slightly and wrapped his arms around James, pressing his face into the crown of his auburn hair.

            “What are we doing, Jamie?” Teddy whispered, inhaling the familiar scent of James’s hair. “What am  _I_  doing?”

            James stirred slightly; worming himself tighter into Teddy’s arms, but did not wake up. Teddy would make sure the two of them were separated by the time the younger boy did come around. He would have to wake James up soon…take him back to school…soon, but not now. Not quite yet.

            Teddy kissed the top of James’s head, leaving his lips pressed there for a long moment as if he were breathing James in. He wondered, idly, if his dad had ever held Sirius like this in the very bed the boys were now resting in.

             _What am I doing?_


	14. Chapter Fifteen: Letters From Everyone

Dear Dad,

Do you know a ghost named Moaning Myrtle? She ambushed me in the hallway yesterday while I was waiting for Rosie outside of a girl’s bathroom and started screaming that I never visit her.

 

When this kind of stuff happens to me, it’s usually because I look like you.

 

Tell Lily and mum I miss them!

 

Love,

Albus

 

Albus,

It’s a long story. Try and avoid her when possible, all though she’s not above finding you. I’ll tell you all about her at Christmas.

 

Tell James he needs to stop getting detention weekly.

 

Lily and mum send their love and they miss you, too.

 

Love,

Dad

 

Dear Teddy,

How are you? Dad says you’re very busy with Auror training and that I shouldn’t bother you but I know James writes you loads anyway.

 

I’m quite bored at home all alone. Mum tries to make it interesting for me but I just can’t wait to go to Hogwarts. We visited Hermione and Hugo yesterday.

 

Will you bring Bear with you this Christmas? I can’t wait to meet her!

 

All my love,

Lily

 

My dear Lilybean,

I’m never too busy for you, sweet girl. Auror training is just awful. It’ll be over soon, though! What do you think my first mission will be? Perhaps breaking James out of Azkaban? Or putting him in there (ha ha).

 

Hang in there, kiddo, school isn’t as fun as it sounds! Loads of homework. It turned your brother into a delinquent and I don’t want to see the same happen to you! That being said, nothing relieves pre-exam stress like dungbombs in Filch’s office.

 

I will bring Bear! You’ll love her.

 

Love,

Teddy

 

James,

Please toe the line to the point where your father and I don’t have to come talk to the Headmaster. We’re very busy this month. Maybe save all your worst pranks for January? We’re quite free then.

 

Love,

Mum

 

Mum,

January it is.

 

Love,

James

 

Fred,

Sophie Corner and I started going out. I haven’t told anyone yet and I really don’t want to. So don’t tell my parents, don’t tell your parents, and don’t tell Teddy.

 

I miss you. I hate you for leaving me all alone with no one to turn the Great Hall’s candles purple with.

 

James

 

James,

ARE YOU SERIOUS?? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?? She’s quite good-looking—nice one, mate! I won’t tell our collective parents but why keep Teddy in the dark? Seems like he would have been first to know. I’m honored, by the way, that you thought of me first. Does the heart good to receive furtive little messages that sound like a confession though why you’d think you need to confess to dating Sophie Corner is beyond me.

 

I miss you too. Hate me all you want but I am NEVER coming back to school. Working at Wheezes is too much fun.

 

Tell Roxie, Albus, and Rosie I say hello.

 

Best,  
Fred

 

Fred,

Yes. Two weeks ago. I know. Thanks. Just don’t tell him, okay? And don’t question my motives or furtive little notes. That is just not done.

 

The Three Terrors (thank GOD Dominique decided to go to Beauxbatons otherwise I’d be stuck with the lot of them) say hello back and we all want you to send us some Wheezes merchandise.

 

Tell Uncle George we all send our love.

 

James

 

Harry,

Did you hear about the riots in Azkaban? Hugo’s sick with dragon pox otherwise I’d just talk to you about this in the office. Hermoine and I’ll be at home for at least the next week—apparently that’s how long it takes before we are no longer contagious.

 

Poor Hermoine’ll probably get them anyway, though, because of being raised by Muggles. Stay far away from us, mate, or I’m afraid you’ll suffer a similar fate.

 

Best,

Ron

 

Ron,

A few of us went over to Azkaban to try and get things back under control. Looks like some of the old Death Eaters—no surprise there—overpowered one of the guards and got hold of a wand. We got there in time to stop much from happening but I’m worried about what this means. It’s never a good thing when the former Death Eaters try and regain some of their old power. I’m going to talk to Kingsley about it.

 

Teddy was really upset to hear about the riots. One of the leaders was Dolohov. Just one more thing to worry about, I guess.

 

Sorry to hear about Hugo. Ginny says she’ll be sending some food over soon.

  
Harry

 

Harry,

Mate, this is a picnic compared to what we’ve dealt with before. Don’t sweat it, all right? I’ll be coming into the office on Monday and then we’ll all be having Christmas together anyway.

 

Tell Ginny thanks for the food. Hermione DID get dragon pox and now her and Hugo are both invalids and not having to cook on top of all the other errands I’m running for the two of them was damn nice.

 

See you soon,

Ron

 

***

 

_My dearest Mssr. Moonykins,_

_Merry Christmas! I hope you’re enjoying eating all your holiday chocolate and being pinched by your great Aunts. Merlin knows you have very pinchable cheeks for being a werewolf!_

 

_I have eaten my way through a small feast and I may or may not pass out after writing this letter. Attached is your present! I know you’ll love it._

 

_James is coming back tomorrow (YAY) and you should, too. If we can get Pete’s mum to relinquish him we could all enjoy the last couple days of break in the Great Empty Castle that is Hogwarts During Christmas Hols._

 

_I’m lonely. I think I’ll go eat more to fill all the empty places in my heart. If I’m overwhelmingly fat by the time you come back YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF._

 

_Drowning in Christmas Pudding,_

_pads_

 

_My Gluttony Filled Padfoot,_

_I am vaguely insulted by the fact that you a) called by cheeks pinchable and b) insinuated that they wouldn’t be because I’m a werewolf. Not all of us can be great slobbering dogs that sniff people in inappropriate places and love everything. All the time._

 

_I do love my present, though, thank you. Please do not grow so fat you die of some kind of heart problem because then I will miss your excellent presents around the holidays._

 

_Mum said I can be there the day after tomorrow. Will that help fill the great lonely, pudding filled spaces in your heart?_

 

_If it doesn’t, I have nothing else to offer at the moment. More chocolate?_

 

_Moony_

 

 


	15. Chapter Sixteen: Christmas Hold

The Burrow already smelled like delicious dinner when the Potters and Teddy arrived. If Teddy could spend the rest of his life eating Molly Weasley’s cooking, he gladly would have. His nose led him to the kitchen where Ron, Hermione, Rosie, and Hugo were helping with dinner and George, Angelina, Fred, and Roxanne were setting the table.

            “Hullo!” Teddy cried, grinning at the warm familiarity that was Christmas with the Weasley’s.

            “Teddy!” Molly Weasley gave him a hug. “You look much too skinny, dear.”

            “Auror training.” Teddy shrugged. “Really been taking it out of me.”

            He left Molly Weasley to cluck and fuss over the Potter children and went to join Arthur Weasley at the dinner table, immediately striking up a conversation on the Muggles in America.

            He was very involved in explaining to Arthur how iPhones worked when James plopped down next to Fred.

            “Oi, there’s the man of the hour.” Fred nudged James in the ribs. “How’s Little Miss Sophie doing?”

            Sophie? Who was Sophie?

            James flushed. “She’s fine, Fred, now shut up.”

            “Who’s Sophie?” Molly asked, and Teddy could have kissed her.

            “James’s giiiiiiiiirlfriend!” Lily cried with obvious enthusiasm, angelic features suddenly plastered with a very Marauder-like smile.

            Wait—girlfriend?

            “You never said anything about a girlfriend.” Teddy heard himself say, as if from a great distance.

            James blushed an even darker scarlet and glanced at Teddy in a way that was almost guilty. “We, er, started going out about a week and a half ago.”

            “Well tell us all about her, James.” Angelina grinned.

            “She’s Michael Corner’s daughter.” Ginny rolled her eyes. “Isn’t that a little piece of irony?” 

            Why? Why was it ironic? Teddy was suddenly drowning in the feeling of being an outsider.

            George laughed. “We all hated that git.”

            “He wasn’t so bad.” Ginny shrugged, flicking her wand at a plate of potatoes that began to peel themselves. “James sure likes his daughter.”

            “Shut up, mum.” James muttered, now studiously avoiding looking at everyone.

            “They’ve been snogging all over the school.” Albus muttered in a way that implied he felt such things were beneath him.

            Teddy felt, suddenly, like he very much wanted to be the chicken Molly was currently putting in the oven.

            “Shut IT, Al.” James glared at his brother with a ferocity he could never glare at his mother with; a sibling look that Teddy was always fascinated with but couldn’t quite grasp. It implied, simultaneously, that James knew Albus had seen enough and heard enough to cause a lot of damage but that, for some odd tug of loyalty or fear, Albus wouldn’t say more than a few tantalizing crumbs.

            Albus grinned like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. “Sorry, Jamie.”

            Teddy was glad that everyone else was so interested in asking James questions about his new girlfriend as it meant he didn’t have to speak. He just kept his head down, petting Bear in his lap, and snuck glances of James through his hair. James looked embarrassed and annoyed but also slightly smug, an edge of pleasure that was undeniable. 

             _I’m happy for him._ Teddy told himself firmly as Bear leapt off his lap and onto Lily’s.  _I’m happy for him._

            It became his mantra. He was so focused on repeating it over and over in his head during dinner that he almost missed his own name being called.

            “Er, what was that, Mrs. Weasley?” Teddy flushed. “I, er, wasn’t paying attention.”

            “Probably Nargles.” Ron muttered and the adults roared with laughter.

            “I was just wondering how far along you are in Auror training, dear.” Molly Weasley smiled at him while surreptitiously piling his plate with more mashed potatoes.

            “Oh, er, I’m getting close to the end, I think.” Teddy managed a grin. “We’re not really allowed to know how far along we are until the day of the actual tests. It’s kind of like, Surprise you’ve passed training now see if you can pass your tests with no warning.”

            “It’s supposed to test how you act under pressure.” Harry grinned. “And if you lose your head over it being a surprise and forget everything.”

            “THAT is a good way to get killed.” Ron nodded sagely before shoveling more lamb chops into his mouth.

            Teddy made a face. “I don’t care about the methods. It’s a sadistic attack on my nerves, it is. Every time I come to the Ministry I think ‘could it be today is it today?’ and work myself into a right fit over it.” 

            “You’ll be fine, when the time comes.” Harry smiled. “You’re getting top marks so far.”

            The weight in Teddy’s chest lifted slightly at the praise. “Thanks.”

            It was at this lull in the conversation that Roxanne’s voice became suddenly audible from the other end of the table:

            “Oh, yeah, I see them snogging ALL the time around school. Bit disgusting really.”

            Judging my James’s scarlet face, it wasn’t hard to guess who Roxie was talking about. The weight in Teddy’s stomach returned with full force.

             _Bugger fucking berk—er, I mean, I’m happy for him._

***

            Teddy exhaled a cloud of smoke out the open window (freezing his arse off was worth it for a smoke) and adjusted one of his earphones. There were probably better, more magical ways to get the sound from his phone into his ears but he was just as fond of the white, snake-like earphones as he was the cell phone he had cradled in his hand.

            “Oi, Teddy, what the hell are you doing?”

            Teddy startled at the sudden reappearance of A James, and with him the Magical World Teddy was so blatantly ignoring, who was now standing in the threshold of Ron’s old room. His eyes tracked the fag that was perched lovingly in Teddy’s fingers, but he chose to ignore it. Wise boy.

            “What is that?” James peered at the phone in Teddy’s hand like it might come awake at any moment and attack.

            “It’s a Muggle phone.” Teddy held it up to show James. “I’m watching a Muggle TV show on it.”

            “Phwoar, I didn’t know they could do that.” James poked at the phone’s screen. “I didn’t know you watched Muggle TV, either.”

            Teddy shrugged. “Some of it’s rather good, you know.”

            “So what are you watching right now?”

            “It’s called  _Doctor Who.”_ Teddy grinned at the sheer oddness of speaking the name aloud to James.

            “Is it good?” James looked utterly perplexed.

            “Well, I think it’s rather brilliant.” Teddy shrugged. “But, I don’t know, I have my odd Muggle tastes.”

            James grinned ruefully, shaking his head. “You have got to be the only wizard apart from Granddad Weasley who would even want a Muggle phone.”

            “I know.” Teddy smiled. “Want to try it?”

            “Sure.” James’ eyes widened, slightly, like a child discovering some fascinating new toy.

            Teddy showed him how to put the earphones in his ears (“Jesus, these are bloody uncomfortable”) and then how to play the TV (“Bugger! That’s loud!). James watched the small screen with mouth slightly agape.

            Teddy pretended he didn’t watch all of this with terribly conflicting emotions all centered around a girl he didn’t know and feelings he was just starting to place. He shook his head, the motion jerky and quick, in an effort to rid himself of the image of James kissing a girl, the odd emptiness pressing down on his arms.

            “This makes no sense.” James practically yelled.

            Teddy snickered and tugged one earphone out. “Oi, not so loud. Molly’d kill me if she knew I was steeped this deep in Muggle technology.”

            “Sorry.” James pulled a face. “But, really, how can you watch this? It’s bizarre. It makes no sense.”

            “You’d have to start with the first episode, mate.” Teddy snorted. “It makes sense if you actually follow the storyline from the beginning.”

            “Oh.” James frowned. “Regardless, I think I’ll leave the Muggel TV shows to you.”

            “Fair enough.” Teddy took his phone back and stuffed it into his pocket. “Let’s keep this our little secret, eh?”

            James face fell slightly at the mention of secrets. “Er, listen, Teddy—“

            “If this is about your new girlfriend,” Teddy fought to keep his voice steady, “then, yeah you could have mentioned but I’m not fussed.”

            “I just…didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.” James fidgeted with his shirt nervously. “I mean, you saw how our bloody family reacted.”

            Teddy clapped James on the back. “It’s alright, Jamie, I understand.”

            He really didn’t, though. He wanted to get angry and hurt and betrayed, but he knew he had no right to those emotions. He wanted to ask James how could be snogging some girl when only a few weeks ago he’d fallen asleep in Teddy’s arms. Well, technically he’d fallen asleep on Teddy’s shoulder and the arms part had come later but STILL.

            James sighed with relief. “Thanks, Teddy. I bet you’ll really like her, too. Maybe you guys could meet next Hogsmeade visit?”

            The way he said it was just so damn hopeful that Teddy felt immediately guilty. He shouldn’t have held James like that. He shouldn’t be wanting to do it again. It had been almost a year since Teddy had kissed James and it was time to put it past him.

            “Yeah.” Teddy smiled slightly. “I’d like that.”

            There was too much unsaid between them—Teddy could feel it like a wall separating him from James. He would rather spend the rest of his life never holding James again, never feeling the solid weight and delicious warmth of his best friend, than lose the closeness they had always shared. Nothing was worth that.

            “So, er, I brought my dad’s journals.” Teddy rubbed the back of his head. “You said you wanted to, erm, read them…maybe.”

            James’s eyes lit up. “Are you kidding? I’d love to read them! Can I have them right now?”

            Teddy laughed, warmed by James’s exuberance. He pulled the journals out of his messenger bag and handed them over. “There you go. Early birthday present loan.”

            “Har har.” James grinned. “You have to get me a real present, you know.”

            “Well, of course. You’re coming of age, after all.” Teddy ruffled his hair. “When’re you going to take the Apparation test?”

            “As soon as I can.” James said firmly. “Even if I hate it, I just want to prove I can.”

            “You’ll be fine.” Teddy yawned. “Destination, deliberation…and something. I forget the last one.”

            James gave him a look that seemed to imply that he was feeling less comfortable about their side-along Apparation missions.

            “Remember when I lost you half an eyebrow?” Teddy chuckled.

            “Remember when you lost an  _ear?”_  James raised his eyebrows.

            Teddy’s grin slipped. “Hey. That is below the belt, mate.”

            James just grinned and started flipping through Remus’ first journal. A small rectangle of paper slipped out and fell, gracefully, onto James’ lap.

            “Oh? What’s this?” James lifted up the photo. “Did you see this before?”

            “Yeah.” Teddy smiled sadly. “It’s a picture of my dad and Sirius, First Year.”

            “Aw.” James grinned. “Look how little and titchy they are.”

            Teddy took the picture and smiled down and eleven-year-old Remus and Sirius. They were both short and skinny with bony wrists and round cheeks. His dad was looking awkward and Sirius was looking arrogant but together they looked happy.

            “Were we ever so small? James smiled wistfully. “First Year seems like a dream now, doesn’t it?”

            “Yeah.” Teddy decided not to point out the fact that James was actually  _still_ in school and, as such, was much closer to First Year than Teddy.

            They were quiet for a moment, and James slipped the picture back into the journal. Teddy fidgeted, aching for a fag and for James to leave so he can watch  _Doctor Who_ and not have to think about the Marauders, about his parents, about James and a girl, about the looming Auror tests.

            Luckily for him, it was at this moment that Lily burst into the room, followed by Hugo, Albus, Roxie, Fred, and Rose.

            “None of this Teddy and James alone time, now.” Fred waggled his finger. “It’s the bloody holidays! Pretend you like the rest of us for at least a game of chess.”

            Teddy grinned. “I suppose you’re just aching to get your arse handed to you, aren’t you?”

            “I’m on Teddy’s team!” Lily announced, bouncing up to sit next to Teddy.

            “There are no teams in chess!” Albus cried, obviously affronted.

            “There are now.” James grabbed Albus into a gentle headlock. “Albus is on my team!”

            Quickly the remaining four formed into teams (Fred with Hugo, Roxie with Rose) and a single chessboard was summoned.

            “Teddy and I will take James and Albus first.” Lily grinned in the way that, on the Quidditch pitch, spelled Certain And Immediate Doom.

            “We’ll play the winners.” Fred volunteered.

            “And we’ll play whoever wins that.” Roxie grinned; combined, her and Rosie were absolutely ace at chess.

            James, Albus, Teddy, and Lily took their respective positions on each side of the board. Teddy and Lily played white.

            “We who are about to die, solute you.” Teddy cackled as he nudged their first pawn forward.

            “Don’t say that.” Lily batted his shoulder. “We’re going to kill  _them_ not  _die_ , Teddy.”

            “Right, right, sorry.” Teddy said apologetically before flashing a grin at James.

            Sometimes he felt like he was drowning in being an outsider; in the shared features and histories of family that shared blood. But other times, like right now, he knew there was no place he could have belonged more.

***

            Christmas dawned with a flurry of snow, which, of course, prompted Teddy, Fred, and James to get up immediately and dress in warm things so they could out and throw snowballs at each other before it was time to open presents and devour bacon and eggs.

            Teddy loved snow. Wearing his charmed scarf and one of his flashier, bright blue coats he couldn’t quite blend in but he turned his hair white, anyway. When the three of them walked back into the warm Burrow he kept it colorless but added a dash of blue to the tips of his bangs because he thought it looked rather icy and festive.

            “Nothing like a snowball fight to wake you up.” Fred said cheerfully as he shook snow out of his hair and removed his soggy scarf and coat.

            “Good thing, too, because I was exhausted.” James grinned. “I can’t believe we were up till one AM playing chess.”

            “Only to have Roxie and Rose beat us all at the very end.” Teddy said glumly. “That was a terrible loss.”

            “Oh you’re just sore because Albus and I beat the absolute shit out of you.” James replied smugly as the three of them took their places at the dining room table.

            “Language, James.”

            The silky reprimand was immediately recognizable as Victoire’s and Teddy stiffened in his chair. It was still awkward between the two of them. But dammed if that stopped him from getting up and hugging his silvery-haired ex-girlfriend.

            “Happy Christmas, Victoire.” He smiled at her.

            “Happy Christmas, Teddy.” She replied quietly, with a smile. Her eyes only retained a trace amount of sadness.

            “Vicky!” Fred cried in his usual, lovely obliviousness.

            Victoire was soon swallowed into the fold of the Weasley Cousins and Teddy accepted a slap on the back from Bill and a kiss on the cheek from Fleur with a grin. Breakfast was hardly over before the rest of the family had assembled and Teddy found himself nibbling on his sausages between Percy and Louis.

             Percy started talking about some Ministry gossip and Teddy smiled and nodded along, trying hard to pretend that he wasn’t again slipping deeper into the dark place inside him where he looked at the people around him and thought, distantly, about Harry’s stories. He couldn’t help but think of the persons who were missing from this table—couldn’t help but see the empty space that seemed to hover anxiously around George’s left side and the sadness that had cut deep grooves in Molly and Arthur’s faces. He wondered if his dad and mum would have been spending Christmas at the Burrow as well, had they lived. And maybe if Sirius had lived him and Remus would have been here and Teddy wouldn’t, but that would probably be okay, too.

            Soon everyone was swarming into the sitting room to open presents, but Teddy felt like he was thousands of miles away.

***

            “Hullo, mum and dad.” Teddy murmured, smiling slightly as he sat down between his parents’ headstones. “Oi, I’m going to get my ass soaked. There’s snow all over still.”

            He could have summoned a chair or perhaps made his pants water-proof or something but at the moment that seemed like entirely too much effort so he just folded his legs underneath him and hoped the drying mud didn’t stick to his pants.

            “I came alone this year.” Teddy whispered, stretching out his arms so he could rest them on the headstones. “James fell asleep after Christmas dinner and I just…decided to come alone. Needed some time to think. Guess there won’t be a picture this year.”

            It was much quieter in the graveyard without James beside him. His voice echoed with its loneliness, the absence of a reply cutting deeper than he had expected.

            “S-so today’s Christmas.” Teddy sniffed, throat tight. “I got a few ace books from Harry and Ginny. Lots of food and sweaters and socks, etcetera. Albus gave me a new wallet that I really like.  James got me a new shirt that says ‘Dumbledore’s Army’ which is really quite thoughtful.”

            Again, the silence that followed his voice was piercing.

            “I’d give anything for the two of you to reply.” Teddy breathed out in a broken whisper, tears starting to run down his face. “To know that you can hear me. It’s—it’s all fine and good to bring James here and pretend you guys are here and listening to us and laughing. But I guess have to face this silence, you know?”

            Teddy was now crying in earnest and he didn’t know how to stop. “D-dad I f-found out ab-about you and S-sirius. Read it in y-your journals. I’m s-so goddamn sorry, D-dad. It’s s-so awful and s-sad and I wish it was S-sirius who’d lived instead of m-me. And, mum, I’m so s-sorry if that’s awful b-but I just d-don’t know what to do or whose b-bloody side I’m on—“

            His words became great, god-awful sobs that shook his whole body and he closed his eyes and covered his head with his hands and sobbed “I’m sorry” over and over and over again.

            Until a warm hand was on his shoulder followed by equally warm arms surrounding him. Teddy looked up to see Harry kneeling next to him and James leaning on him, arms around his shoulders.

            “I—I—“ Teddy attempted to wipe the flood of tears off his face.

            “It’s alright, Teddy.” Harry murmured. “It’s okay to cry for them.”

            “To cry for all of them.” James whispered into Teddy’s hair, now black as raven’s wings.

            “H-how did you know I was here?” Teddy sniffed, turning first to Harry and then to James.

            “We thought you were napping upstairs, too.” Harry said gently. “But then Teddy said you weren’t so we all got a bit worried until James realized where you were.”

            “I wanted to come alone.” James muttered. “But Dad insisted.”

            “I—thank you.” Teddy licked his lips. “Both of you. For coming. I know I must look a right pathetic mess right now.”

            “You’re fine.” Harry said, eyes kind but firm.

            Teddy wasn’t quite sure he believed him. But he smiled, anyway; so thankful for his best friend and his godfather in that moment that he stopped crying for all the pain that had created him and the great, empty loss of his parents. 

 

 


	16. Auror Tests and Love Potions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Notes from an author revisiting something she hasn't written a word of for four years**  
> As I try to wrap up a story that has never left my mind, and characters I hold very dear, I want to say something as a more mature and worldly adult. 
> 
> I started this fic when I was 16, almost 17, and coming out of an abusive relationship with a boy who was 18/19. At the time, I didn't see anything off about a budding relationship between a 15 yr old and a 19 yr old. 
> 
> Looking back on this fic, I want to make it clear that i do NOT condone a romantic/physical relationship between people with the age gap that James and Teddy have in my fic. In the little fictional bubble of A Curious Case we're dealing with two best friends who have known each other their whole lives and have complete trust in one another, and I am still waiting to time anything between them until James is 17. STILL, I don't want any impressionable youths reading this and thinking dating someone four years their senior will be a healthy and Good experience. 
> 
> Also, JK Rowling thinks Teddy is a Hufflepuff but we all know he's a Gryffindor, right? Right.
> 
> I'm gonna step off my pedestal now and get back to this fic, this crazy flawed and weird but still so dear to me fic. I've had this chapter finished for a long time, but it's just going up now, and I might have more on the way soon. I have so many unfinished fics, but this one is so important to me I feel like I need to try and finish it up. 
> 
> Love and gratitude to everyone who has supported this fic over the years <3 this story is on ff.net and livejournal as well, but I'll probably publish the remainder of it strictly on Ao3.

Chapter Seventeen: Auror Tests and Love Potions

***

Teddy knew something was deeply, deeply off when he walked into the Auror offices and, instead of a large well-lit room, found himself in dark room surrounded by the Aurors that had been training him for two years.  
“Oh, god.” Teddy blurted out. “Don’t tell me.”  
“Today will be your Auror Tests.” Harry said in the voice he had used when a youthful Teddy had stolen cookies from the kitchen; authoritative yet kind.  
Teddy really wished he’d worn something else than ripped jeans, combat boots, and a violently purple I Rode The Knight Bus And Lived long sleeved T-shirt under his robes.  
“I’m ready.” He responded, even though he wasn’t.  
“Your test will take place in a magical maze. You will have to find your way out, safely, to pass the test. Your skills will, of course, be evaluated as you proceed.” Dean Thomas continued.  
“A maze?” Teddy raised his eyebrows at Harry; he knew his godfather’s trials in a magical maze during his Fourth Year at Hogwarts very well.  
“It wasn’t my idea.” Harry muttered.  
“That’s enough.” Ron grinned at Teddy. “Alright then, Teddy?”  
Teddy swallowed. “Alright.”  
They start to escort him to the back of the room where, he’s horrified to see, a small tin can rests. A portkey.   
“You’ll be fine.” Harry murmured, clapping Teddy gently on the back.  
“Thanks.” Teddy replied hollowly. “If I don’t make it, Lily can have my cat.”  
“Don’t bequeath your possessions yet.” Ron patted his shoulder. “You’ll pass this with flying colors, Lupin. Now go and make us proud.”  
“Aw, hell.” Teddy gulped before touching the portkey with one finger.  
***  
James sighed when he saw the blackboard for today’s potion lesson. Sodding, buggering love potions. Absolutely a pain in the ass to take even for someone as gifted in potions as he was. Not to mention the annoying giggling coming from the back of the class where all the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw girls had congregated.  
“Balls,” James muttered darkly before standing up to gather his materials.  
***  
“Well, this is creepy.” Teddy edged along another identical stone wall that made up the maze. “Woo, yeah, very creepy. Where am I is the real question. Did they create a maze? Is this some kind of medieval torture device maze? I’m in Wales aren’t I? I bet I am. I hate Wales.”  
He probably shouldn’t be talking so much either but it was actually pretty terrifying here, with the endless stone maze and the sky dark as midnight above him. He had a sneaking suspicion that, opposed to Wales, he was probably in some Ministry room that had been magicked to look like the outdoors and then filled with all kinds of scary shit that he would have to fight. Great. GREAT. He could handle that.  
Just to make himself feel better he morphed his hair the same grey asthe stone and then lengthened his front canines, just a bit. They were always a little overlong but he figured exaggerating it a bit wouldn’t hurt. It felt like to look threatening. Thank God there was no one around although if he could sneak up on James like this at some point then—  
Crack! Teddy spun around on his heel and sent a stunning spell at the hooded figure who had just stepped out behind him. Kicking off the hood revealed Dean Thomas.  
“Sorry, mate,” Teddy made a face, “don’t sneak up on a half-werewolf.”  
Great, this meant that the Aurors were part of the obstacles. Well. One down, at least. Seriously. Half-werewolf.  
“Alright, doing good.” Teddy whispered down to his wand. “Point me!”  
Swivel swivel, great he was still heading North. That had to be a good thing, right?  
A few more turns and Teddy was ducking quickly, shooting a patronus at the Boggart that had loomed out of shadows. His Boggart was always Bellatrix Lestrange. Tall, deathly skinny and pale with tumbling black hair so similar to his grandmother’s and hooded eyes that glimmered with malice.  
The silver werewolf bounded towards the witch and her mouth opened in silent curses as it knocked her over. That was funny enough, Teddy thought slightly hysterically as he yelled “HAH!” and then,“RIDDIKULOUS!”  
With a crack Bellatrix Lestrange vanished and Teddy allowed himself a weak-kneed moment of relief. Nothing like seeing the murderer of your own mother to jar the ol’ spirit a bit. Teddy considered throwing up before deciding to take the next section of the maze at a nice jog.  
***  
“Why the bloody hell do we need to know how to make love potions, anyway?” James muttered to Sean as they started to carefully weigh Queen Anne’s Lace.  
“Dunno, maybe so we recognize it.” Sean shrugged. “Like when we make poisons to work out the antidotes.”  
“Fair enough.” James glanced at his watch before pouring essence of rosewood into their cauldron.  
***  
“Is that a---oh, bollocks.” Teddy ducked as a curse was shot at his head. Looks like a few of the Aurors were actually also playing in the maze today. Couldn’t fire anything too damaging then.  
Teddy settled on a Full Body Bind curse and lept over the Auror’s prone body.   
“Sorry, mate!” he called over his shoulder, turning a few more sharp corners and firing a quick Alohamora at the giant wooden door that was erected out of the nowhere to block the path he was  
Following.  
Too late, Teddy realized that the spell hadn’t worked. With a pained yell, he slammed into the door and fell flat on his arse.  
“Well that was a disaster.” Teddy rubbed at his forehead. “Is this a trick?”  
“Not a trick,” came a silky voice, “but another test.”  
Teddy swallowed a very un-manly shriek when a female ghost stepped through the door, tendrils of silvery hair blowing around her face.  
“Blimey,” Teddy swallowed, “I, er, pleased to meet you?”  
The woman’s face was impassive. “I have one last challenge for you, Theodore Remus Lupin, before you can pass these trials.”  
“Alright, I’m up for it.” Teddy tried to stand up gracefully and ended up tripping on his robe and having to dust the cold dirt off his bum, “and call me Teddy, please. Much less formal.”  
“You must pass through this door,” the ghost murmured, ignoring his banter completely, “and out its twin on the other side without faltering.”  
Teddy felt cold. “What’s, er, if you don’t mind me asking—what’s on the other side of the door?”  
The woman shook her head, slowly. “I have been instructed to tell you no more. Good luck, Lupin.”  
With that, she stepped back through the door, which then swung open to reveal a swirling blackness.  
Teddy stared at it for a long moment, weighing his options. He was almost positive this was the right way, the way out of the maze. But if this was a trick, he would surely fail the exam. This was strange. Not like the trophy is a Portkey strange, but more like Teddy wasn’t sure how this pertained to his Auror training.  
Instinct? There was a lot of that. Perhaps it had more to do with what was behind that door.  
Taking a deep breath, Teddy gripped his wand and stepped through the door.  
***  
James had to admit that the love potion did have a pleasant golden color when they were almost finished with it.  
“Remember, students.” Professor Elrick interjected over the babble of the potions room. “I’d be paying very close to what goes into this potion…just in case you may need to know how you would concoct an antidote. Perhaps for, oh I don’t know, a test next week.”  
“Told you.” Sean hissed, making James jump as he sifted a sprinkling of fairy dust into the potion.  
“Blimey, Sean, don’t do that when I’m in the zone.”  
“Sorry, sorry.” Sean chuckled. “I forget how into potions you are, James, it’s a bit frightening.”  
“It’s actually the reason you’re passing potions,” James muttered as he waved his wand over the flames under the caldron, lowering the flames. “Now shut it so I can finish this and we can go have lunch. I’m bloody starving.”  
***  
“Well that’s fucking hilarious.” Teddy panted, staring ahead with a growing sense of dread spreading in his chest. “Bloody good joke this is.”  
The door had apparently led to a large stone chamber with a crumbling stone archway in the center, raised on a stone dais. Teddy knew what it was, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think he was actually in one of the most top-secret rooms of the Ministry. This was just an illusion. Magic. Part of the test.  
He remembered, once, Harry coming home bloody and limping from an Auror mission. Ginny had, in her cool-headed way, led him to the couch without fuss and went off to fetch her wand and a few magical salves while Teddy had brought Harry his favorite teddy bear just in case it made his godfather feel better. When Ginny had returned Harry had told her, in murmurs and hisses of pain, that he and Ron had gotten too reckless. Too emotional. Apparently one the Death Eaters they had been  
sent to track down had been at the Battle of Hogwarts (Teddy hadn’t known what this meant) and when Harry and Ron had seen him they’d forgotten all their careful training and attacked blindly.  
They weren’t just testing how well Teddy could duck or shoot a spell they were testing how well he could keep it together and that wasn’t really fair, Teddy didn’t think. Not when they did it by putting the stone arch in front of him and on the other side of the room, he was sure, the door that would lead to the exit out of this damn thing.  
Slowly, Teddy got to his feet and faced the arch that he knew, from Harry’s stories and from his own long nights of reading everything the wizarding world had to say about death, what that stone archway meant.  
There were no whispers. Apparently not even the Aurors’ magic could recreate the calls of the dead. But Teddy could almost imagine them, hear the voices of his parents that he had only ever heard when a dementor had pulled them from the farthest recesses of his memories and turned them into a torture. He could hear Sirius’ voice, or at least the voice he had always imagined Sirius would have had. He had never heard that. Never heard James and Lily Potter’s voices, nor Fred Weasley’s. Those were all lost to time.  
“You think this is going to stop me?” Teddy laughed once, loud and bitter as if somehow the Aurors could hear them. “You think a stone arch is all it takes to tear me down?”  
Teddy took a deep breath and then grinned. “Think again, mates. Think again.”  
With a deep breath he set off across the room, keeping his eyes fixed on the archway the entire time. They had tried to unnerve him. Tried to shake him up and make him sloppy. Which made the man standing in front of the wooden door on the other side of the archway even more predictable.  
“So you’re my last test?” Teddy raised his eyebrows.  
Harry shrugged. “If it’s any consolation, I thought this was a bit of a low blow.”  
Teddy held his hands up, exasperated. “You know, I agree. Who designed this thing anyway?”  
Harry raised his wand and in his eyes, as familiar to Teddy as his own, was a sadness that Teddy almost couldn’t comprehend.  
“Me.” Harry replied quietly before shooting a stunning curse at Teddy.  
***  
“Alright, class.” James sighed with relief at the sound of Elrick’s voice. He put down his wand and wiped at his damp brow. Love potions had turned out to be a total pain in the arse. He was very glad the lesson was over.  
“If you have followed the instructions correctly,” Elrick went on, “the potion should now be a light fuchsia color and smell of what individually attracts us. Go ahead, give them all a whiff. Everyone  
wants to.”  
James and Sean looked at each other, shrugged, and then bent over to smell the light fuchsia potion.  
***  
Teddy dodged the curse and sent another Full Body Bind at Harry, which he blocked with pretty much no effort.  
There was no way Teddy could ever beat his godfather in any kind of duel. This was just a demonstration of Teddy’s skills. And, Teddy felt heartened to notice, Harry was grinning in a way that made it seem as if it wasn’t going too bad.  
Harry shot a disarming curse at Teddy which he blocked (barely) and then sent a Bat Bogey Hex at Harry.  
Harry dodged that one narrowly. “Did Ginny teach you that one?”  
“Yep,” Teddy grinned, swiping the sweat from his forehead, “she is vicious with her hexes.”  
Harry was opening his mouth to respond when he found his wand soaring out of his hand and into Teddy’s waiting grasp. Harry stared open mouthed at his godson, who was now holding two wands and smiling angelically.  
“Gotcha.” Teddy winked.  
Harry’s rueful smile was enough to make him think that the trials, this final Auror test, had gone pretty damn well.  
***  
The smell of the wood burning in a hearth. The smell of fireworks going off in a summer night, smoky and fresh all at once. The warm, woodsey smell of Teddy’s hair.  
James stared at his potion in horror. He didn’t want to smell his best friend in the love potion. He didn’t want to be reminded of how hat kiss had tasted, so long ago now. He’d done so well not thinking about it and now it was all rushing back, the taste of tears and the bite of snow and the warmth of Teddy’s mouth on his.  
Quickly, he packed up his things and hurried out to the Great Hall. There, waiting for him, was Sophie. He embraced her, kissing the top of her head as she laughed into this chest. She smelled a bit like flowers and lemon, but it wasn’t enough to chase away the lingering scent of Teddy Lupin.  
But it has to be, James thought as he circled Sophie in his arms and squeezed tight.


	17. Of Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's James 17th birthday!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gets a bit more NSFW in this chapter**

_ Chapter Seventeen: Of Age _

 

James woke up on the morning of his seventeenth birthday with a pounding headache and overwhelming sense of dread. 

“Fuck,” James muttered, rolling over and cracking his curtains open, “Sean, I think we overdid it last night, mate.”

Sean groaned from his own bed, waving his hand dismissively, “could you please stop yelling.”

“I’m whispering you bloody idiot,” James grumbled, rolling over and rubbing his eyes. 

Sean and him and decided around nine the previous night it was as good a time as any to start celebrating James’ birthday. This had involved neglecting all of their homework and drinking quite a bit of Sean’s secret stash of firewhiskey. 

James was considering going back to sleep and skipping his first few classes when a hard tapping at the window stirred him again out of his hungover stupor. 

Groaning, James swung his legs over his bed and stumbled over to the window. He was surprised to see Teddy’s own, flapping excitedly with a letter tied to its leg. Bloody Teddy couldn’t wait for morning mail, had to make sure the owl got there at the crack of dawn.

James wrestled with the window for a moment before opening it a crack. He stuck his hands out and untied the letter, letting the owl peck his fingers before flying off again. 

Sitting back on the bed, James opened the letter to see Teddy’s familiar scrawl. 

 

_ James, _

_ Happy birthday! Can’t believe your scrawny arse is seventeen. I woke up early to send this owl, so I hope you appreciate my effort and remember this when Sean tries worming his way into the ‘bestfriend’ portion of your heart.  _

_ Maybe we can do something this weekend at Hogsmeade?  _

_ Also, my present should be included with the rest of them.  _

_ Love, _

_ Teddy _

 

James stared at the letter for longer than felt natural, rubbed his thumb over the ink that formed the word “love”. It had been several weeks since the love potion fiasco, but it still haunted James. Teddy passed his Auror exam with flying colors and was now busier than ever, so James hadn’t seen him in over two months. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. How could he face Teddy now? 

Already burdened with his newfound adulthood, James crumpled the letter up and stuffed it under his pillow. He peered over the foot of his bed to see the pile of presents the House Elves lovingly left. There were packages from his parents, his grandparents, a lumpy little thing from Lily, one from, a few from his cousins, something suspiciously large from Fred and his dad, Teddy, and even something from Andromeda. 

James opened his parents’ first. It was a watch, one he had seen many times. It was the watch his father wore, the one he had gotten from Granny Weasley. Tears rose in James’ eyes unexpectedly. His father’s watch, one he had played with as a child when his father cradled him in his arms, was now his. James slid it on, surprised to find it fit perfectly. He still felt like little boy playing dress up. 

There was some chocolate and money in his parents’ package as well, and a letter. James skimmed it, worried that in his delicate state anything too emotional would send him over the edge. At the bottom of the letter, written in his dad’s handwriting, was a quick postscript. 

 

_ P.S, _

_ My offer still stands. If you want Grimmauld Place, it’s yours. Of course you can’t do anything with it until you’re out of school, but let me know what you think.  _

_ Dad _

 

Predictably, James’ eyes welled up with tears. What was wrong with him? He was never drinking firewhiskey again. He folded the letter up carefully, heart pounding. He could have Grimmauld Place. It was his. The old, disgusting, creaky, dusty house of horrors that was filled with ghosts and memories so painful his own father couldn’t step foot in it anymore. 

_ I’ll make it better,  _ James thought, staring down at his parent’s letter,  _ I’ll do something good there. Make something good. I’ll make them proud.  _

He hurried to open Lily’s present, desperate for something that wouldn’t make him feel like a soggy blanket. She had gotten him a model Hippogriff, a tiny little toy that was charmed to act like a tiny version of the real thing. It nipped his thumb before promptly curling up in his blankets. James laughed quietly, shaking his head. It was such a useless, fun little gift. Something only Lily would give him. 

His grandparents got him a new pair of dress robes and an advanced potion making kit he had been eying. From Fred and George was a lifetime supply of Dung Bombs that James quickly hid under his bed. Uncle Bill got him a pair of dragonskin gloves which were perfect for some of the more grisly potion ingredients, and Aunt Fleur included some nasty smelling goop for his hair. Feeling pleased, he reached for Andromeda’s present. 

Peeling back the paper, he was shocked to see Sirius’ face. Carefully, he unwrapped the picture frame. It was a photo that looked incredibly worn and old, but was very clearly the Marauders standing in front of the Whomping Willow. Remus, Sirius, and James were smiling and waving. Peter’s head had been burned away, a perfect circle that implied a wand tip. His chubby, disembodied hand was still waving cheerfully at the camera.

James flipped the frame over to see a note from Teddy’s grandmother:

 

_ James, I found this photo in some of Remus’ old things. Teddy said you could have it. Sorry if it is a little grim for a birthday present, but I know they were important to you two. Your grandfather was very handsome!  Best--Andromeda  _

 

James frowned, unsure what to make of the odd gift. He set the frame gingerly on his bedside table, watching his grandfather grin at him for a moment. 

“It’s my birthday, grandpa,” James murmured, “I’m all grown up now, I suppose.” 

Feeling very morose, he decided to open Teddy’s gift. It was very lightweight and small, and James tore off the garish yellow paper with a fair amount of trepidation. 

A slim silver chain fell out. James picked it up, examining the charm that hung from it. It was a slim silver nail inlaid against a thin, flat crystal the color of rust. Absolutely befuddled, James picked up the card that was included. 

 

_ Jamesikins,  _

_ Sorry to steal your present idea, but the Shack just isn’t the Shack without you, mate. This a nail from the Shack sealed in a piece of jasper. Learned the spell from one of Granny Weasley’s Spellbooks for Crafty Ladies, or whatever they’re called. Neat, right? I hope it’s manly enough for you, I know it’s a very ‘Teddy’ accessory.  _

_ Now we both have a piece of the Shack wherever we go.  _

_ Teddy _

 

Breathing shakily, James lifted the chain over his head and slid the necklace on. The crystal fell below the hollow of his chest, brushing the top of his stomach. It felt like a talisman, cold and weighty. James looked down at it, fingering the smooth stone gently. It was small enough that no one would notice it under his clothes, but he would always know it was there. 

_ Great,  _ a little voice muttered in his ear,  _ another reminder of Teddy that’s always with you.  _

“Shut it,” James told himself firmly, standing up to begin the long process of throwing away wrapping paper. He had to buck up and figure out how to enjoy the rest of his birthday.

The necklace felt heavy around his neck. He reached up to touch the chain and for one short, desperate moment allowed himself to remember. Not the kiss with Teddy in the snow, no, but the almost kiss that had happened so long ago in the dark in the Potter’s home. The one after Teddy had woken up from the nightmare and the two boys had been sitting, facing each other, nose to nose. 

The anticipation in that moment, curled up in James gut like a spring, was a feeling he had never been able to replicate. His mouth just a breath away from Teddy’s, his hands curled in Teddy’s sheets, both boys safe in the cover of darkness. It had felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, like taking that first shot of firewhiskey, or that split-second before James apparated when his whole body just seemed to  _ slide  _ into a new place of existence. In a small way, that’s what the necklace felt like. And it was terrifying. 

“James?” Sean moaned, snapping James from his thoughts. 

James sat down quickly and pulled his blankets onto his lap, desperate to cover up the physical evidence of his little trip down memory lane. 

“What, Sean?” James snapped, suddenly feeling very uncharitable. 

Sean cracked open his eyes and grinned, “happy birthday, mate.” 

James huffed out a laugh, “thanks, Sean.” 

Rolling his shoulders back, he vowed to shake off the absolute insanity that had been the whole morning. He had to get through the rest of the day with a smile on his face. Sophie was expecting--

_ Fuck, Sophie,  _ James almost groaned out loud. How could he face his girlfriend after getting Very Physically Excited by the thought of kissing his best friend? He was a disaster. He was mentally cheating on her. No, that was crazy. James was being crazy. James needed coffee and breakfast and maybe a quick nap before the party that Gryffindor was bound to throw for him tonight. 

***

Teddy couldn’t find the will to get out of bed. He tried to tell himself it was because he was sore from the rigorous physical exercises he had done the day before with some of other new Aurors, but he knew it wasn’t. He told himself it was fine to stay in bed on his day off, enjoy the moment of rest in between the hectic life of being a fulltime Auror, but he typically had too much energy to be in bed all day. 

No, Teddy Lupin was stuck curled up under his blankets nursing a pack of cigarettes because it was James’ birthday. It was James’ seventeenth birthday and Teddy wasn’t there with him, but he couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

“I wonder what he’s doing today,” Teddy muttered to Bear, who blinked eyes sleepily in response. 

Teddy rolled over and stared up at his ceiling, combing his fingers through the knots in his hair. He had woken up with black hair, which was never a good sign. He didn’t even have the energy to change it, though he knew a nice sunny turquoise would help to lift his spirits. 

“I bet he’s with Sophie,” Teddy murmured, “they’re probably celebrating together right now.” 

Bear got up and padded onto Teddy’s chest, laying down heavily. Her heavy warmth was comforting, and Teddy scratched the top of her head absentmindedly. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a good deal of shame well up in his chest. 

“I had a dream about him last night, Bear,” Teddy whimpered, “I would tell you about it but you’re far too young and innocent.” 

The dream had been one that Teddy had never hoped to have about his younger best friend, about Harry’s son, about James Potter. It was a dream that had startled Teddy awake, and he had found himself drenched in sweat and  _ other  _ bodily fluids. 

The beginning of the dream was hazy, but it was back in the Shack. They had been doing something, looking for something important, a fun quest like back in their school days. Then suddenly everything changed and they were in James’ room in the Potter house and James was lying on Teddy’s bed and Teddy was on top of him, peeling James’ clothes off and kissing James roughly as James had slid his hands down Teddy’s back...then lower still...

Groaning, Teddy pushed Bear off his chest and stumped out of bed. He didn’t want to think about the dream but his body obviously did. His shorts were straining around his rapidly growing stiffy. He couldn’t believe this. He wanted to die. He wanted to go back in time when he didn’t get hard thinking about his best friend. 

“I’m taking a shower, Bear,” Teddy squeaked, grabbing his towel, “don’t wait up!” 

He slammed the bathroom door behind him and kicked his pants off, turning the shower on to cold and hopping into the icy torrent with a yelp. 

“Take that, dream!” Teddy hissed through gritted, chattering teeth. 

***

Predictably, the Gryffindor common room was decked out with streamers and signs on James’ return from his last class of the day. Most of the Gryffindor sixth years were waiting for him, erupting in yells when he stepped through the door. 

“Alright, alright,” James raised his hands, grinning sheepishly, “that’s enough!” 

Sophie separated herself from the crowd and grabbed his hands, smiling wickedly, “come on, James, it’s your seventeenth birthday! We have to celebrate!”  

“Seems like you lot don’t even need me around,” James laughed, but accepted the mug of beer someone pushed on him and didn't’ hesitate to conduct the Gryffindor’s in a roaringly off-tune edition of “happy birthday”. 

It was a fantastically Gryffindor night, and towards the end of it James had all but forgotten about his strange morning. 

He was lounging in a comfy armchair, wearing only a blazer and his pants with a Gryffindor tie looped around his head like a crown, when Sophie sidled up to him. 

“Hey, there,” he said, pulling her down into his lap and burying his nose in her sweater, “mmmm, you’re so warm.” 

“How drunk are you?” She giggled, combing her fingers through his hair. 

“Not terribly,” James yawned, “we Potters have metabolisms of steel. Alcohol goes right through us. My mum jokes it’s cus dad is so uptight that he physically can’t get drunk.”

“And he passed that on to you lot?” Sophie laughed.

James grinned, “it’s in my DNA, love.” 

Sophie got a very mischievous look on her face. She stood up and tugged James to his feet, smiling coyly. 

“I haven’t given you your present yet,” she murmured.

“Well I wasn’t going to say anything,” James chuckled, “I thought it would put you in an awkward position.”

Sophie rolled her eyes, “come on. Follow me.” 

James allowed himself to get tugged a long by Sophie, passed Gryffindors in varying degrees of drunkenness. He was surprised to realize that Sophie was leading them up to his own room. 

“Er, Sophie,” James raised his eyebrows, “d’you know you’re taking me back to my own room?”

Sophie looked over her shoulder and winked, “well I can’t take you to my room, silly. Remember? The stairs turn into a slide.” 

James frowned. He did remember that little humiliating fact. He had seen his mates take many a fall off that slide, each borne up by their own hubris in thinking they would be able to scale the treacherous mountain into the pleasure gardens beyond. 

The dormitory was empty except for Gregory Hooch’s bed, in which both Greg and Adam Nott were snoring heavily. 

“Are they mates or a couple?” Sophie asked, grinning.

“No one can tell,” James shrugged. 

Sophie laughed softly before leading James over to his bed and drawing the curtains around them. James heart was beating fast as it began to dawn on him what was going on.

“Soph,” he said gently, reaching out to take her hands, “we don’t have to do this.”

Sophie smiled, slowly removing her hands from his and reaching up to her blouse, “I want to, James. I really like you.”

“I really like you, too,” James said, heart beating in his throat.

Sophie blushed, then started unbuttoning her shirt. She peeled it off, revealing a marvelously lacy fuschia bra. James exhaled sharply before stepping close to her and kissing her, hands fumbling inelegantly at the back of her bra. She slid her hands against the fabric of his pants before wiggling the blazer off. James steered her gently to the bed, letting her lay down before he climbed on top of her. He kissed his way down her neck, enjoying the soft gasping noises she made. 

Soon the remainder of their clothing was gone and there was little left to do but  _ it.  _

“It’s alright, James,” Sophie cupped his cheek, “I’m ready.”

James nodded. He closed his eyes tight and waited she she helped guide himself into her. Soon they were moving together and James was breathing in little huffs and gasps and the world narrowed down into the motion of their rocking bodies and the feeling of her skin hot under his. 

***

“Mind if I join you?”

James looked up to see Sean poking his head out the window grinning. James shouldn’t be surprised. He’d told Sean about this little spot awhile go. It was right outside the Owlery, accessible through a nice human-size window that had been installed in case someone had to stop the Owls from nesting in the surrounding roof. Outside the range of the owl droppings was a nice little ledge, flat and smooth, that overlooked the grounds. It was high above the ground, and sitting there felt like all of Hogwarts was at your back. It had been Teddy and James’ favorite place to come when it was late and they wanted to get outside and talk. 

“It’s bloody freezing out here, Sean,” James croaked, “I don’t think you want to be out here.” 

“Here,” Sean walked gingerly over to him and pulled out his wand, “I’ll show you this neat warming charm I learned before you freeze to death.” 

After charming both their clothes to be as warm and toasty as if they’d just been pulled from the laundry, the two boys sat in comfortable silence for a moment.

“What’re you doing out here, James?” Sean finally asked, voice quiet and gentle. 

James shrugged. 

“C’mon, mate, I saw Sophie asleep in your bed when I came up into the dormitory. Did you two...?”

“Yeah,” James stuffed his hands deeper into his pockets, “we did.”

Sean whistled through his teeth, “was that your first time, then?”

“Yeah,” James answered again, kicking his feet aimlessly at the darkness underneath them. 

Sean was quiet again for awhile before turning and punching James gently on the arm, “I’m not expert but I think if you had truly enjoyed your first shag you wouldn’t be out here freezing your arse off on a roof in bloody February.”

“It’s not like that,” James looked away, blushing, “I did enjoy it. It was great.”

“Doesn’t explain why you’re on the roof, though.” 

James was quiet for a long time before turning to Sean, “do you remember my friend Teddy?”

Sean’s eyebrows knitted together, “er, that bloke with the blue hair and weird Muggle clothes?”

“Yeah,” James smiled, “him.”

“I do, a bit. Why?”

James couldn’t stop the words from leaving his mouth, they erupted from his lips. They had been waiting to be said for weeks now, months--hell, maybe years.

“I think I’m in love with him,” James blurted out. As soon as he said it a great weight lifted off his shoulders, as if the act of keeping the words inside had been pulling him down.

Sean looked a bit stunned before quickly composing his face, “isn’t he your best mate?”

James looked down at his feet again, shame rising in his chest, “yeah, he is.”

“So are you...gay, then?” Sean asked, and James silently swore to himself he would never forget how tender and friendly Sean’s voice was then. 

“I dunno,” James looked up at him, “I mean I like girls, I like...I liked sleeping with Sophie. I would do it again. But with Teddy, I just...”

“You’re in love with him,” Sean said softly. 

“Yeah,” James let out a big breath, “Bugger...I’m in love with him. I have been for ages, I think. I just...I mean, what can I do about that? He’s my best mate. Telling him would ruin everything.”

“So you don’t think he feels the same way about you?” Sean asked.

James thought about that kiss, standing in front of the Shack. The way Teddy had grabbed his waist and when they had broken apart Teddy had made the quietest moaning sound, as if the very act of separation was painful. 

“Maybe?” James frowned, “I dunno. He’s...he feels things...so much, I don’t even know how to describe it. But I bet anyone who spends five minutes with Teddy could think he was in love with them. That’s just how he is.” 

“Huh,” Sean frowned, “are you gonna tell him, then?”

“I don’t know how,” James sighed, “besides, I can’t lose him. What if we dated and then broke up? He means everything to me, Sean, he’s been my best mate since I was a baby. I can’t lose him.” 

Sean whistled again, “quite a predicament you’ve gotten yourself into, James.” 

“You’re telling me,” James responded dryly. 

“What are you gonna do about Sophie?” Sean asked after they were quiet for awhile.

James groaned, burying his face in his hands, “ah, Sophie. Fuck. I’ll look like a real arse if I break up with her right after we have sex, won’t I?”

“Indeed,” Sean responded sagely. 

“I dunno, I like her,” James sighed, “if I know I can’t do anything about Teddy I might as well keep seeing her. If I’m single I might be more tempted to show up on Teddy’s doorstep and...do something, I’m not sure.”

Sean clapped James on the back, “listen, brother, you do what you have to do. Just be happy and don’t hurt people, that’s my motto. You have a lot to work through.”

James grinned, “you know you’re a real great listener, Sean.”

Sean raised his hands, “well if you end up shagging Teddy I hope you let me assume the best mate position.” 

James responded by trying to wrestle Sean off the roof.

Later, they returned to Gryffindor common room grinning, arms slung over each other’s shoulders.

James crawled into his bed, throwing his arm over Sophie’s sleeping body. He would figure this out, he told himself. Figure out how to get over Teddy and move on. Figure out how to fall in love with Sophie. 

As he drifted off to sleep, he felt the necklace Teddy had given him pressing into his chest. His last conscious thought was of Teddy’s smiling face, beckoning James into the Shack. 


	18. A Not-Date In Hogsmeade

_ Chapter Eighteen: A Not-Date in Hogsmeade _

 

Teddy was waiting for James outside the shack, grinning and waving. James felt bowled over by his presence, drinking in his blue hair and brown eyes and ring-covered fingers. He wasn’t sure how we was supposed to get over Teddy if they saw each other. He imagined, briefly, telling Teddy he didn’t want to see him anymore. The pain was acute, sudden. He could no more remove Teddy from his life then he could saw off his own arm. 

“James!” Teddy exclaimed, throwing his arms around James, “I’m so happy to see you, it’s been bloody ages.”

James wrapped his arms around Teddy’s middle, burying his face in Teddy’s shoulder and inhaling deeply. The same soft, pine-tree scent that had risen from his love potion was ingrained in Teddy’s fraying Muggle jacket. 

“It has been ages,” James murmured, stepping back to grin at Teddy, hoping to quickly move past the slightly-more-than-friendly hug, “You’re an Auror now!

Teddy grinned, blushing a little, so obviously pleased with himself that James’ heart fluttered. 

“Well,  _ you  _ turned seventeen,” Teddy slung his arm around James’ shoulders, “I guess we have a lot to celebrate. Three Broomsticks?”

“After you,” James laughed, clapping Teddy on the back before carefully removing Teddy’s arm from his shoulder. 

Teddy looked confused for a moment before shaking his head, shrugging it off like Teddy always did. Feeling as if he was walking around in a stranger’s skin, James followed Teddy to the Three Broomsticks. 

***

“So, how’s school?” Teddy asked, watching James take several healthy sips of butterbeer. James looked skinnier than usual, and he had dark purple half-moons under his eyes. 

“It’s alright,” James shrugged, “I’m doing well in Potions. Aunt Hermione has been pressuring me to take my N.E.W.Ts but I’m sure I will yet.” 

“They’re not terrible,” Teddy shrugged, “I’m sure you’ll do well. Have you thought about what you want to do after you’re done with school?”

James shrugged again, not making eye contact, “Probably Auror.”

“Guess we’ll be working together, then,” Teddy grinned, “and your dad will be our boss.” 

James looked up at Teddy, eyes flashing behind his glasses. Teddy didn’t understand the expression on James’ face...it seemed  _ pained,  _ and Teddy ran through everything he had said to see if any of it could have been hurtful. 

“Is something wrong, James?” Teddy reached out and touched James’ hand. 

James snatched his hand back, eyes wild. Teddy sat back, hurt and confused. For a split second he had a horrible thought that somehow James  _ knew _ \--knew about Teddy’s deepest secret, the dreams, the occasional late night wank in the shower when James’ name hung heavy on Teddy’s lips. If James’ knew about all that, surely he would hate Teddy. 

“I’m fine, mate, sorry,” James sighed, relaxing into his chair, “I’m just tired. Been doing all my homework lately. I ‘spose I’m just feeling the pressure of being out in the real world soon.” 

Teddy frowned, “you still have your seventh year ahead of you, mate, don’t worry too much.”

James made a face that said  _ easy for you to say _ but didn’t respond. Instead he downed the rest of his butterbeer and then belched, causing both boys to laugh. 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” James leaned forward, eyebrows wiggling, “my dad said I could have

Grimmauld, still.”

“You’re joking!” Teddy slapped the table, “that’s incredible!” 

“Yeah,” James grinned, “I can’t do anything with it really until I’m out of school, but still.”

“Wow,” Teddy shook his head, “it’s definitely going to need some...er, love, I suppose is a kind word for it.”

James chuckled, “something like that.” 

Teddy took another sip of his own butterbeer, watching James look out the window. It was odd to see James in person again after so long apart. It made Teddy want to appreciate all the little details of James’ face, from the smattering of pale freckles across his nose to the way he would sometimes put his glasses on over his hair, flattening it against the side of his head. 

Teddy felt a small bolt of panic in his stomach, suddenly lightheaded and out of breath. He wanted to throw the table between them to the side, wanted to grab James’ by the front of his robes and crush them together, kiss him like he had kissed him in front of the Shack but this time he would not stop, no--

Teddy wanted to consume James, wanted to grab him and never let go. Being apart from James felt like suffocating now. Even sitting across from him was making Teddy dizzy.

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck,  _ Teddy cried out raggedly in his mind,  _ fuck I’m in love with him.  _

“I’ve been thinking about taking Sophie to Madam Puddlefoot’s,” James said, and Teddy felt the words like icy water breaking over his head, “d’you reckon that’s too boring?”

“That depends,” Teddy responded slowly, forcing his teeth apart, “does she enjoy doilies and sickly sweet hot chocolate?”

James chuckled, “I don’t know if anyone does. I just thought it would be a nice boyfriend-y thing for me to do.” 

Teddy, suddenly certain he knew exactly what the  _ Cruciatus _ curse must feel like, dug some sickles out of his pocket and tossed them on the table.

“C’mon,” Teddy stood up, “I need a smoke.”

James followed him out of the Three Broomsticks, glaring, “Teddy, why are you still smoking?” 

They got outside and Teddy dug out his cigarettes, lighting one quickly and inhaling deeply. He blew out a cloud of smoke, relieved to be outside again.   
“Give it a rest, James, you’re not my mum,” Teddy grumbled, “that’s the perk of being an orphan--bad decisions with no lectures.”

“I bet if I told Andromeda you smoked she’d lecture you,” James pointed out, following Teddy back up the hill that led to the Shack. 

Teddy jabbed the air near James’ shoulder threateningly, “if you breathe a word of this to Gran I’ll put your nearsighted eyes out.” 

James turned to look at him, grinning in a way Teddy recognized a second to late. Before he could put up his defenses James had tackled him onto the frozen earth, knocking the wind out of Teddy and snatching the cigerette from his fingers.

“HA!” James was leaning on Teddy’s prone body, face just a bit too close, “Teddy Lupin, Auror, flat on his back. Taken down by a seventeen year old!”

“You are dead to me,” Teddy wheezed, “I cannot believe I was betrayed by a Potter. Leave me here to die.” 

James was about to respond when Teddy grabbed his arms and pushed up, flipping James onto his back and pinning him to the ground. 

“Oi!” James glared at him, “we aren’t wrestling, I already took you out. You lost.”

“This doesn’t  _ feel  _ like losing,” Teddy grinned, “it  _ feels  _ like crushing you like the little sneaky bug you are.” 

James laughed, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He was breathing heavily, and Teddy was too, but Teddy realized it wasn’t all exertion. Having James under him like this brought to mind the dream he had had and suddenly he was feeling a bit too hot under the collar. He was too aware of James’ body against his, too aware of how easy it would be to lean down and do what he so desperately wanted to do. 

“I ‘spose I should let you up,” Teddy murmured, ducking his head until their foreheads were almost touching, “if you ask nicely.” 

“Is that a line you use on all the bad guys you take out in your line of work?” James grinned. 

To Teddy’s surprise, James’ reached up and brushed some of Teddy’s hair behind his ear, hand lingering at Teddy’s cheek. Without thinking, Teddy turned his head slightly so James’ fingers would brush his face. The momentary contact was enough to send shivers down Teddy’s spine. 

James cheeks were flushed and without warning he shoved Teddy off him, sitting up and turning his head away. Teddy sat back, feeling ashamed and stupid and terrible. 

“Sorry, mate,” Teddy said after a few ragged breaths, “did I, er, hurt you?”

“No, no,” James looked back at him and smiled weakly, “I’m fine.” 

The two of them sat in silence for a moment, and Teddy became increasingly aware of how frigid his arse was. 

“I shagged Sophie,” James blurted out, startling Teddy so much that he forgot all about the cold.

“You,” Teddy felt as if he had just jumped from a perilous height, “you shagged her?”

“Yeah,” James looked at him as if he was looking at a stranger, “on my birthday.”

“Merlin,” Teddy scratched the back of his head, “wasn’t that your...first time?”

“It was, yeah,” James grinned sheepishly, thought the expression seemed forced. 

“Well, congratulations, mate,” Teddy forced out a laugh, “I sure hope it was better than my first time.”

James looked thoughtful for a moment before laughing, “oh, Merlin, with that Ravenclaw girl? In the broomshed?” 

Teddy raised his hands, “can we please not talk about it.”

“Didn’t you finish in like a minute?” James was laughing, “and then she made you--”

“JAMES POTTER!”

“Alright, alright,” James chuckled, standing up and helping Teddy to his feet, “that story still gets passed around, I hope you know. I think I heard some First Years talking about it last week.”

“Whatever happened to, what happens in the broomshed, stays in the broomshed?” Teddy sighed, “anyway, my own public humiliation aside, I’m happy for you. Do you like this girl, then? Like a lot, I mean.” 

James turned to Teddy and they stood like that for a moment, face to face. Time seemed to slow down for a second, as Teddy breathed in James’ familiar scent and reveled in their familiar and comforting height difference--James a head shorter, up to Teddy’s shoulders, craning his neck back to look Teddy in the eyes. 

The moment was broken when James nodded, “yeah I do like her lots.”

He started for the Shack again and Teddy watched him, feeling his heartbeat in his throat. Somehow, somewhere between that kiss and now, something had gone truly wrong for them. And Teddy didn’t know how to fix it. 

***

“So how’d the not-date with Teddy go?” Sean asked in a low voice. Him and James were sitting in front of the Gryffindor fireplace, working diligently on their Transfiguration homework. 

“Terrible,” James responded dully, “I had to stop myself like three times from just grabbing him and, and--”

“Oi, I don’t need the details,” Sean shook his head, “so what’re you going to do?”

James set down his quill, frowning, “I don’t think...I should see him for awhile. Maybe until summer. I can’t...be around him right now. It’s too hard.”

“What’s too hard?” Sean asked, wiggling his eyebrows. James tossed a pillow at him. 

Laughing, Sean caught the pillow. His smile faltered though, and he reached out to squeeze James’ arm, “are you gonna be alright, mate?”

James decided not to mention the fact that thinking about not seeing Teddy until summer was physically painful.

“Yeah,” James smiled half-heartedly, “I’m fine.”

He would have to be. 


	19. Spring Letters

_ March _

 

James,

Happy Spring, mate! I know the weather is still bloody terrible but at least it’s not technically winter anymore. Work has been absolutely miserable lately. There’s some madman in Wales kidnapping Muggles and harvesting black market potion ingredients from them (human teeth/hair/etc). Grisly stuff, we’ve all been working around the clock trying to catch him. I’ve seen more fingernail-less Muggle hands than I ever wanted to. Perhaps that was too much information? Sorry If I’m soiling your gentle virgin eyes.

Not so virgin anymore, though, I suppose--eh, eh? Geddit? 

Will I see you over Easter holidays? 

Yours,

Teddy

 

Destroyer of My Appetite,

Bloody hell, Ted, if I wanted to read about Muggle mutilation over my morning sausages I’d bring down my Dark Arts textbook to breakfast. 

Do me a favor, though, and don’t get harvested for black market potion ingredients. I’d be very upset if one day I’m getting my usual shipment of human hair and found some of your greasy, unwashed blue locks. 

I’m kidding, I don’t order black market potion ingredients. I don’t know if I can joke around with you about illegal stuff anymore, Mister Auror. I know you’re just looking for an excuse to lock me up. 

Nah, I’m actually going to Sophie’s over Easter. Mum and Dad were thrilled, think I’m being a respectable young man or something. I think they’re just happy I appear to be interested in things outside of potions that explode and dung bombs. Al and Lily will be home, though, I know they’re excited to see you. 

J 

 

James, 

Sorry, mate, I’m just trying to convey the joys of being an Auror! You’ll have to deal with all this someday, and you might even deal with it while eating your treasured morning sausages. WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD, JAMES POTTER.

Though I suppose you’re all grown up now. Easter with Sophie’s family! Big step, don’t say anything stupid in front of her parents. Or blow anything up. Or play pranks. Or anything you usually do, really. 

I promise I won’t arrest you.

If I won’t see you over Easter what about a Hogsmeade weekend coming up? There’s a few in March?

Teddy

 

_ April _

 

Teddy,

Blimey, sorry I haven’t written in so long, mate! March was bonkers, all the professors have been assigning mountains of homework. I’ve been trying to get everything done before Easter, gotta keep my grades up so I can one day also be catching Muggle kidnappers.   
Speaking of which, saw the story in the Prophet about your team bringing him down. You looked like a right prat grinning and waving with Dad looking so serious next to you. What was the headline? Oh, right, I have it saved:

**HARRY POTTER AND HIS HALF-WEREWOLF GODSON BRING MUGGLE MURDERING MANIAC TO JUSTICE**

I’m still laughing. Did you not tell the reporter your name, you lunatic? 

James

 

James,

Oh, what is that? A letter from my former best friend who is dead to me because he ignored me for a month? Ah, how could that be--poor James Potter is dead and gone. Ah, well, I suppose I will write letters to him in the Beyond. 

I didn’t HAVE to give the reporter my name, he already knew it. I know this because he yelled in my face ARE YOU TEDDY LUPIN, HARRY POTTER’S HALF-WEREWOLF GODSON? And stupidly, I just said yes. So there you go, never talk to reporters. A lesson I have now learned. Your dad said he’s going to hang that prophet up in the living room, the prat.

Maybe if you decide to stop being dead we could see each other one of these upcoming Hogsmeade weekends? Before you abscond to your girlfriend’s house for Easter, that is. 

 

_ May _

 

TEDDY,

Sorry for being such a terrible dead friend! April went by so fast, Sophie’s parents were ace and I had a great break. I’ll tell you all about it soon! See you in a week! SUMMER HOLIDAYS!!

James


	20. Don't Go

James was feeling quite dejected on the ride back home, which was not a feeling he typically associated with the Hogwarts Express zooming him back to his parents for the summer. He hadn’t touched his treats from the trolley witch, and couldn’t bring himself to join Sean and Albus’ game of chess. 

Yesterday, after the going-away feast, Sophie had pulled him aside. He had thought they were about to embark on a rather marvelous session of abandoned corridor snogging when she had squeezed his wrist in a way that was unsexy and very foretelling.

“James,” she had said in a soft and sad voice, “my parents and I are going to Spain for the summer.”

“That’s great, Soph!” James had grinned, still not grasping the situation, “maybe I can apparate over there for a few nights I’d love to see--”

“That’s just it,” Sophie had cut him off, tone suddenly firm, “I’ve been thinking a lot and, oh this is hard--I really like you, James, and we’ve had so much fun. But we’re so young, still. I think I really want to have this experience on my own.”

James would forever deny that his mouth had gone slightly slack at this moment.

“Are you, er, breaking things off with me?” He had asked, taking a slight step back from her. 

At least, to her credit and his ego, she did have a few tears in her eyes, “I am, James, I’m sorry. I hope we can be friends next year, still, you’re a great sort of man.”

He didn’t quite remember what he said or did after this, as his head had filled with static. He thought they might have embraced before his feet carried him up to the dormitory and deposited him safely in bed. 

James had cried a bit, out of sadness and frustration. He was sad because he had liked Sophie, a lot, really. They did have fun. They had gone from having awkward, quick sex to really getting the hang of things in recent months, too. Her parents had adored him. She’d gone down on him in the woods behind her house, and it had been really something. She had never asked him questions about his dad or made a point to ignore it, either. He could just be James with her, not James Potter Son of That Famous Bloke With The Scar. 

He was also frustrated because he was still very much in love with Teddy. He felt like an absolute berk ignoring Teddy for the last few months, but he couldn’t keep seeing him. He had been counting on having Sophie over the summer to help him combat his feelings for Teddy, but now that was all out the window. 

As James stared out the Hogwarts Express window, watching the countryside, all he saw was his summer stretched out in front of him full of Teddy. His throat was tight. He was so excited to see Teddy it felt like someone had stuffed a balloon into his ribcage. He was so nervous about seeing Teddy he couldn’t swallow. 

_ I’m going to ruin everything,  _ James thought miserably as the train pulled into Kings’ Cross,  _ I have to try and be normal. I can’t lose him. I can’t lose Teddy.  _

***

When James stepped off the train, his heart jumped into his throat. There was Teddy, standing next to his mum and dad and waving cheerily at the Potter boys. Hermione and Ron were there too, and Rosie whooped and ran ahead to jump into her father’s arms. 

“Good luck this summer, mate,” Sean murmured.

“Just kill me now,” James groaned under his breath, “and get it over with.”

Sean pulled James into a quick hug, patting his back, “write me, alright? Gotta make sure you don’t pitch yourself off something.”

“No promises,” James said, but grinned and punched Sean’s shoulder affectionately before Sean hurried off to his own family. 

“You alright, James?” Albus asked as they dragged their suitcases over to their family, “you’re looking a bit peaked.”

“Little queasy from the train ride,” James muttered, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Teddy. 

The two boys were staring at each other, and James could feel the accusation in Teddy’s eyes. He didn’t care,  _ God _ , it all felt so trivial now. Teddy was wearing ratty skinny jeans and a navy vest that was slipping off one shoulder, and his blue hair was hanging in soft tendrils past his ears. James wanted to eat him. 

“James, Albus!” Their mother cried, gathering the boys up in a hug that their father and Lily soon joined.

“Oi!” James coughed, “you’re all suffocating us.”

“We missed you,” his dad grinned, green eyes flashing. 

“IT’S BEEN FOREVER!” Lily wailed, and they all burst out laughing.

“Look at you, Al,” Teddy ruffled Albus’ hair as they gathered up the luggage, “you’re shooting up. You’ll be taller than James in no time.”

“James’ is short,” Albus grinned, “it’s not hard.” 

“Sod off,” James grumbled, but he was looking at Teddy while he said it. 

“Good to see you, Jamie,” Teddy said quietly, eyes flickering up and down James’ body. James’ face felt hot. He had been right not to see Teddy. Or maybe it he had been wrong. He just couldn’t think straight anymore with Teddy in front of him. It was taking everything in him not to grab Teddy’s stupid Muggle shirt and kiss him.

“Teddy, I’m sorry for--”

Teddy clapped his hand on James’ shoulder, cutting him off, “It’s fine, mate, really. I know how hard this year can be. It’s summer now! Let’s just have fun.” 

James smiled weakly, “you’re right.”

***

Teddy reveled in the way James jumped slightly when Teddy threw himself down on James’ bed, interrupting James’ unpacking. 

“Bloody hell, Teddy, you move in utter silence,” James patted his chest, “I think you’re sending me into shock. 

“Sorry,” Teddy grinned. James rolled his eyes and turned back to hanging his shirts up. Teddy stretched out on top of James’ blue quilt, heart pounding as his eyes followed the lean lines of James’ arms and back. “So, Jamie, how’s Sophie doing?”

James stiffened, not turning to look at Teddy as he slid a jumper onto a hanger.

“She, er,” his voice was tight and Teddy sat up slightly, suddenly alert, “she ended things with me yesterday.”

Teddy felt as if he had been seeing the world in black and white and now everything was in brilliant technicolor. It took every ounce of his self-control not to get up and gather James in his arms right then and there, confess all and hope against hope that James wouldn’t reject him. 

“That’s bollocks,” Teddy said slowly, “I’m so sorry, James.”

James shrugged, finally turning to look at Teddy, “she said we’re so young still. Funny, innit? I didn’t feel young with her. Maybe she felt young with me.”

It was a strangely introspective thing to come out of James Potter’s mouth, and Teddy suddenly felt a deep ache for his friend. He couldn’t believe had felt such joy over James’ misfortune. He loved James, he didn’t want anything to hurt him.

“Let’s get drunk tonight,” Teddy suggested cheerily, “and play cards. You know that always cheers you up.”

James smiled softly, “that sounds fun, Teddy.” 

The boys were quiet for a moment when James’ face lit up again, “oh! I forgot to tell you! You’ll never guess what dad told me on the way home.”

Teddy raised his eyebrows, “what?”

James sat down next to him, smelling so deliciously  _ James-y  _ that Teddy shrunk away slightly. If James noticed, he concealed his reaction well.

“Dad said he’d forgotten to tell me about my last birthday present,” James chuckled, “the old ass, I think he just wasn’t sure he was going to go through with it or not.”

“Your last coming of age present?” Teddy grinned, “what is it?”

“Sirius’ flying motorbike,” James breathed with such a reverence it sounded as if he speaking of something holy. In a way, he was. Sirius’ motorbike was a thing of legend. It had lived in the shed behind the Potters’ house for years, covered in a sheet and preserved. Harry had worked with Ron and George to get it back to peak fighting condition years ago, but none of the men found themselves particularly keen on using it. Apparently Harry and Ron had had their fill with flying vehicles. 

“You’re joking,” Teddy grabbed James shoulder and shook him, “James! Bloody hell, fuck cards--let’s take that baby for a spin tonight.”

James chuckled, “I think I manage that.”

They laughed, but the moment quickly shifted. Teddy’s hand was still on James’ shoulder and they were looking at each other, knees touching, so close Teddy could see the individual freckles dusting James’ nose. The air between them felt electric. 

Teddy wasn’t sure what would have happened if Ginny’s voice did suddenly break the calm of the house.

“You have to tell him, Harry!” Ginny was almost shouting, and Ginny never yelled, “he has a right to know!”

Teddy’s hand fell slack from James’ shoulder and the two boys looked at each other in alarm, “what do you reckon that’s about?” 

James looked scared, “I dunno, but I don’t think mum has ever yelled at dad.” 

Before they could speculate further Harry was opening the bedroom door, eyes dark and troubled as he saw the two boys on the bed.

“Teddy,” Harry said, voice low, “we have to talk.”

Teddy stood up, knees shaking slightly. No matter how old he was, Harry always made him feel like a little kid again. 

As he took a step towards the door James stood quickly, grabbing Teddy’s wrist with a steel grip. 

“No,” there was an icy authority in James’ voice, “I want to hear this.”

“James,” Harry sounded exasperated, “this is Auror business, it’s not--”

“I don’t care,” James snapped, hand still tight around Teddy’s wrist. Teddy turned to look at him, searching his face. James looked at him, mouth set in a grim line. Teddy felt, in that moment, utterly sure that they were both thinking the same thing. Whatever happened to one of them impacted the other; they were a unit. They always had been. 

Harry sighed, rubbing his face and looking suddenly very old, “Molly was right. You kids are a taste of our own medicine.” 

Harry was quiet for a moment before combing his hands through his hair and setting his eyes on Teddy again, expression resigned, “Dolohov and a few other former Death Eaters have escaped Azkaban. They--they murdered the guards like Muggles, with rocks. It was an uprising, a riot. A few of them were killed, but they overwhelmed the guards. We’re so...we’re so prepared for magic, sometimes we forget we can be killed in...in other ways.” 

Teddy’s stomach plummeted, ears buzzing. He tugged his arm out of James’ grip, which had slackened in the shock of Harry’s news. 

“I’ll come,” Teddy said, breathing heavily, “I want to come. I want to help. Let’s go now.”

Harry’s eyes were sad and his voice quiet, “I figured you would want to. It’s going to be dangerous. There’s already Aurors looking for them. I have to go but...you don’t have to, I want you to know that. You’re still a new recruit and this...”

“This is Dolohov,” Teddy hissed, feeling anger so deep it was like fire in his bones, “I won’t let that...that  _ beast  _ roam free.” 

Harry nodded, “I need to...to go get a few things ready, say goodbye. You do the same. We’re apparating outside in ten minutes, meet me in the front lawn.”

He hesitated for a moment before walking up to them and hugging the stiff, wooden form of James before quickly walking out of the room. 

“Teddy,” James breathed, and Teddy felt his hand brush Teddy’s, “Teddy, please.”

Teddy snatched his hand away, pointedly avoiding looking at James, “I have to go get dressed, James.”

James grabbed Teddy’s shoulder and spun him around, eyes wild, “Teddy, please, this is too dangerous--he’s too dangerous, let them handle this. You’re the youngest Auror on the force, Teddy,  _ please. _ ”

The pain in James’ voice struck Teddy to his core, but he still pushed James hand off him, “James, I’m not sitting on my arse while Dolohov is out of Azkaban. That man  _ killed my father.  _ Don’t you understand why I have to do this?” 

“NO!” James yelled, all attempts at composure abandoned, “fuck, Teddy! You haven’t faced someone like this before--a _Death Eater._ This is too dangerous!”  
“Your dad is going!” Teddy yelled back, hair fading to black in his peripheral vision.

“He’s fucking Harry Potter!” James shoved Teddy’s chest, hard, eyes bright with unshed tears, “you’re just a fucking--you’re not ready for this!” 

Teddy stumbled back, anger coiling in his gut, “Fuck you, James! You don’t know what I’m capable of.” 

Teddy turned and strode to the door, and he’d almost made it when James was grabbing his arm again, tugging him around violently. 

“Teddy, please, I’m begging you,” James grabbed onto the front of Teddy’s shirt, “let them handle this.” 

Teddy grabbed James’ hands but couldn’t bear to rip them off his shirt, “James, you want to be an Auror someday, too. You’ll have to do this stuff, too. You have to get used to the risk.” 

“We’ll be in danger together then,” the tears finally spilled over James’ cheeks, at odd with his furious expression, “you won’t be going alone. You can’t leave me like this! D’you want us to be like fucking Remus and Sirius,  _ separated _ ? You want to leave me  _ alone  _ like your dad was?”

Of all the things Teddy expected James to say, that was not one of them.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Teddy said, voice taught and quiet, “we’re not  _ them _ , James, we’re not--”

“Well, I--” James broke off for a moment, hands still fisted in Teddy’s shirt, before his face filled with resolve, “well I’m  _ fucking  _ in love with you, Teddy!” 

Stunned silence followed, and both boys stared at each other as if neither could believe what just happened. 

Teddy couldn’t stop himself. He slid his hand behind James’ neck and bent down, kissing him like he had wanted to for so long now. James’ mouth opened in a gasp under his and suddenly they were embracing, kissing so furiously James had to steady himself on the wall so Teddy didn’t knock him over. 

“Teddy!” Harry called from downstairs, freezing the boys.

Teddy was breathing hard, forehead resting against James’. James’ eyes were closed, his glasses were askew, and his lips were red. 

“James,” Teddy whispered, kissing the wet streaks of tears on James’ cheeks, “James, Jamie,  _ fuck,  _ I love you, I love you. I’m in love with you, Merlin, I’ve been in love with you for ages.”

James laughed shakily, opening his eyes and reaching up to push Teddy’s bangs behind his ear, “fuck you, Lupin.” 

“TEDDY,” Harry called again, “I’m leaving.”

James tenses, hands settling on Teddy’s shoulders, “Teddy, please.”

Now Teddy was crying, “James, I’m so sorry.” 

Gently, he pushed James back and turned to run out of the room and down the stairs, nearly colliding with Harry.

“Teddy,” Harry looked surprised, “are you, er, ready?”

Teddy knew his face was tear-stained and he was still wearing his Muggle clothes, “I have my wand, I’ll change at the Ministry. Let’s go.”

“Be safe, you two.” Ginny said softly opening the front door for them, “I’ll talk to you soon.”

Harry kissed his wife before turning and waving cheerily to Albus and Lily, who were lurking in the living room and watching their parents with fear in their eyes. 

Teddy looked up at the top of the stairs where James now stood. The two boys looked at each other for a long moment, and Teddy almost turned and walked back to him. It was agony, leaving James like this. But he had to do it. He could see his father’s kind, lined face in his mind, a face Teddy had only seen in nightmares. Because of Dolohov. Because of the Death Eaters.

“We’ll be back soon,” Teddy said, not breaking eye-contact with James.

Then he and Harry walked out into the fresh night air, nodding at each other before they turned on the spot and apparated to the Ministry and the waiting Aurors.

 

The front door slammed shut behind Teddy and his dad, and James sunk slowly to the floor. His chest felt scooped out and he couldn’t make any of his limbs move.

“James?” His mum was walking up the stairs, eyes concerned, “are you okay?”

James shook his head numbly, “I--”

He started crying again and his mother swooped down on him, enveloping him in her arms. He turned to rest his head on shoulder like he had as a child, arms going automatically around her. 

“Oh, James,” she stroked his hair gently, “he’s going to be fine.”

“It’s  _ Dolohov,”  _ James said thickly, voice muffled by her shirt. 

“He’s a great Auror, James,” his mum said softly, “you know your dad wouldn’t let him come if he didn’t think he could handle this.”

“He told him he could  _ stay. _ ”

“That’s just the way he is,” James’ mum’s voice was a mix between fondness and exasperation, “you know he’d take on everything by himself if he could. He wishes all the other Aurors could just stay home, even Ron.” 

James pulled back, scrubbing at his face, “how do you get used to this, mum?” 

His mum smiled sadly, “you just have to trust them, James.” 

James bit his lip, still tasting Teddy’s kiss. He hadn’t been able to stop himself from confessing, desperate to convey to Teddy just how badly he needed him. Teddy had left anyway. But for that one moment, with Teddy’s arms around him and mouth hard and warm on James’, he had forgotten all else. 

“I feel like I can’t move,” James said tightly, “like I’m rooted here I’m so worried.”

“I used to get that way, too,” his mum shrugged, “even though I’d fought side by side with your dad and knew what he was capable of. When you love someone, you can’t not worry.”

James looked up quickly, flushing at the knowing look in his mother’s eyes. “I, I mean we aren’t, er--”

“James, honey,” his mum squeezed his hand, “I’ve known for ages.”

James wished he could sink into the floor, “I--I haven’t even known for ages.”

“You’re just like your dad,” his mum rolled her eyes and laughed, “dense, the both of you. You know Teddy feels the same, don’t you? It’s obvious, James, he’s mad for you.”

“MUM!” James hissed, peeking over her shoulder. He knew Albus and Lily were hiding somewhere, listening for any part of the conversation, “we--if he really was he wouldn’t have left.”

His mum frowned, “now that’s not fair to him. Dolohov killed Remus, James. I imagine if you were an Auror now you’d be out there, too.”

James had to admit she was right. The deaths of the Marauders had haunted Teddy and James all their lives. Still, the sting of Teddy turning away from him after he had told him he loved him was a hard one to ignore. 

“You can sit here all night if you want,” his mum said quietly, “and watch the door if it makes you feel better. I would do that, sometimes, just after you were born. I put a chair by the front door and held you while you slept, and we’d just wait until your dad came home.”

James laughed soggily, “maybe I will. Thanks, mum. For everything.”

She kissed the top of his head, standing up, “any time, love.” 

She walked down the stairs, calling for Albus and Lily to help her with dinner. James sat with his feet on the top step, leaning his head against the banister. 

_ Alright, Teddy,  _ he thought, staring at the front door,  _ you better be back soon, you dick. I’ll be right here, waiting for you.  _


	21. Remus Lupin's Last Words

 

Teddy stumbled as his feet hit the ground again, surprised by how rocky the terrain was. His ears were immediately assaulted by the roar of the ocean, the crashing of waves. He looked up at the star-filled sky, adrenaline sending hot sparks up and down his arms. In front of him was the massive shape of Azkaban, a structure so inherently foreboding that Teddy felt a bit breathless. 

“Alright, Teddy?” Harry asked, putting his hand on Teddy’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Teddy breathed, “you think we’ll find them here?”

“Unless they were stupid enough to try and swim off this island,” Harry looked around, expression clouded, “in which case the ocean has already done our job for us.”

“They’ve got to be hiding somewhere here,” Ron muttered, “waiting to ambush us.”

“They wanted us to come here,” Teddy said, repeating something they had already decided, “so they could kill us and take our boat.”

The little jetty was the only way on and off the island. It was impossible to apparate to Azkaban or off it, and the boat only came when the Auror guards changed shifts. The boat came with the new guards, and left with the old ones. It was a rotation that left the Aurors on Azkaban with no way off, save swimming, but it was safer than giving the prisoners a way off in the worst case. Now, planted firmly in that worse case scenario, the Aurors had no choice but to bring the boat back to the island. 

“Alright,” Harry turned to the six Aurors who were guarding the boat, “send up sparks if there’s trouble. We’ll do the same.”

“Good luck,” Eleanor Goldstein said quietly, and the others nodded.

Teddy, Ron, Harry, Will McCormack, Helen Vane, and Rosa Montague split up into teams of three and took the two sides of the island, slipping into Azkaban’s shadow with their hands on their wands. 

“I feel like we’re walking into a trap,” Ron muttered, “this doesn’t feel smart.” 

“We have very limited options,” Harry whispered back, “as you may remember.”

Teddy never tired of seeing Harry like this. It was scary, because it meant danger, but still thrilling. His godfather, the man who had spent hours teaching Teddy how to use a wand, how to shave, who fell asleep every night during the summer on the couch with the Daily Prophet in his hands and his glasses askew, turned into something else. He became taller, shoulders broader, all the lines of his body hard and wired with tension. His face was serious, focused, green eyes sharp and alert. It was easy, now, to look at Harry and see a war hero. See the Boy Who Lived. Teddy felt safer, secure in his own abilities when he had Harry at his side. 

“Let’s just hope the wands they stole aren’t going to work well for them,” Ron grumbled, eyes combing the darkness of the sparsely-wooded island, “not to mention it’s been years since they’ve done magic.” 

“What, scared of a few ex-Death Eaters?” Harry grinned at his best friend, pushing his hair back from his eyes, “I’m surprised.” 

“Oh, shut it, you pompous--” 

Ron’s retort was cut off by a blinding jet of red light that narrowly missed Harry’s chest. Quickly, the men ducked behind a small copse of gnarled and bent trees. 

“Looks like they found us,” Harry snapped as more spells shot over their heads, and Teddy was half-stunned to see the sickly green of the killing curse. 

People were actively trying to kill him. It was a new sensation, an unpleasant one, and Teddy was suddenly gripping his wand and struggling for breath.

James, James, James--he was chanting the name in his head as his heart beat. He couldn’t leave James. He couldn’t. He had to get back to him, had to kiss him at least one more time--tell him again, this time without tears and anger, that he loved him. 

“ _ EXPELLIARMUS!”  _ Teddy shouted, wand pointed in the direction of the Death Eater’s spells. “ _ STUPEFY! STUPEFY!”  _

A  _ thump  _ stopped Teddy’s yelling for a moment; a figure had just fallen out of a tree, stunned. 

“Got one!” Ron grinned, “nice shot, Teddy.”

Teddy didn’t have to tell him he was shooting blind, they all knew. As if in response, a slice of silver light fell across their little corner of the island. The moon was moving across the sky, slowly illuminating the sea and the terrible isle of Azkaban. Teddy could see dark figures now, moving further down the beach.

“They’re retreating,” Harry cried, standing up, “let’s go!”

He and Ron took off in a sprint, and Teddy only stayed long enough to conjure handcuffs and rope that bound the fallen prisoner. It was a man with blond hair, Teddy didn’t recognize him. It was not Dolohov. 

He began running after Harry and Ron, drawn by the light of spells on the rocky shore. The Ron and Harry had been joined by Will, Helen, and Rosa. The Aurors and the prisoners were dueling. 

Teddy neared the battle, wand at the ready. Harry saw him, shooting another stunning spell before waving his hand wildly at Teddy.

“Dolohov isn’t here!” Harry yelled before turning back to face his Death Eater.

Teddy’s stomach dropped. If Dolohov wasn’t here...where could he be?

Teddy turned to look back at the hulking structure of Azkaban. The little prickle behind his ears started, something he had always distantly associated with latent werewolf instincts. He may not have his dad’s condition, but he had always had flawless intuition. 

Without second thought, Teddy began to run. He could hear Harry yelling for him, but he knew his godfather couldn’t follow him. Taking care of the prisoners was too important. 

Teddy knew where to the door to Azkaban was, he had had poured over the map of this place many times. He had pictured Sirius’ escape, marveled at it. As a child, he had never been able to imagine the combination of love and vengeance that had propelled Sirius’ to find the strength to leave this place. He understood, now. He felt it, a high keening in his chest, as he spoke the password to the door and entered into the horrible mouth of the prison. 

The inside of Azkaban was lit with torches, which did little to keep the shadows at bay. It was a terrible place, and Teddy could feel it almost as much as he could see it--centuries of misery and violence seeping through the soles of his feet. 

He thought he would have to scour all of the enormous prison. He did not. 

A figure detached itself from the shadowy landing of the staircase that led up to the second floor, and a man stepped into the light. He was tall and imposing, still muscular even after years in prison. His dark hair hung shaggily in front of his sharp face, and in between his fingers dangled a wand that had no doubt belonged to an Auror that was now dead. 

“Well,” Dolohov said in a gritty, hoarse voice, “who is this?”

Teddy raised his wand, whole body filled with wrath and grief, “I am Teddy Lupin.” 

“Lupin?” Dolohov laughed, a sound as terrible and empty as ice cracking underfoot, “you’re the little half-breed brat? That bitch blood traitor’s pup? My, you’re all grown up now. Pity, that. Someone should have exterminated you when you were still young.”

Teddy’s chest was heaving, he had never felt so much hatred before in his life. A little voice in his head was screaming at him to keep his cool, to fight smart. He wasn’t sure he could. 

“You killed my father,” Teddy spat, “Remus Lupin. You murdered him.” 

Dolohov grinned, taking another few steps down the stairs, “I was doing the world a favor, pup. Animals like him were too dangerous, they had to be put down.”

“YOU’RE the  _ animal _ ,” Teddy screamed, wand shooting up to point at Dolohov’s throat, “and I’ll make sure the world is rid of you.”

Dolohov paused, eyeing Teddy’s wand with a hint of trepidation, “so, you’re an Auror? The Ministry has really gone to shit after all, letting scum like you in.” 

Teddy was smiling tightly, all savage teeth, “those aren’t great last words, Dolohov, I’ll give you one last chance. Say something memorable.”

Dolohov glared at Teddy, lip curling, “you want remorse? You’ll get none.” 

Teddy was about to cry out the spell that would have stopped Dolohov’s taunting mouth forever when the Death Eater ducked, faster than Teddy had seen anyone move before, and as Teddy was trying to aim for the man he heard a muffled yell-- _ EXPULSO _ \--and was suddenly blown off his feet.

Teddy hit his head, hard, and for a long moment the world faded to darkness. 

He woke with a start, flat on his back, with a terrible pain his head and lashing at his left arm and leg. Teddy turned his neck slowly to see that the great wooden door had been blown up with the  _ expulso  _ curse, and the explosion had knocked Teddy down. He glanced down at his arm and saw his robes had been burned to shreds on the left side, and under the singed fabric was red, angry skin. 

_ Fuck,  _ Teddy sat up and stumbled into a standing crouch,  _ this is bad.  _

“Not as quick as your father was.”

Teddy turned slowly to see Dolohov leaning against a wall, grinning. Before Teddy could even form a spell past the pain in his head, Dolohov waved his wand lazily. Teddy’s own wand shot out of his hand. Dolohov had disarmed him without speaking. 

“Remus Lupin,” Dolohov remarked calmly, “I remember him well. Bellatrix had killed his dirty little wife, and so it was my turn. I cornered him during the battle. He fought well, I’ll give him that. He fought like a real wizard, not like that beast Fenrir. Always the claws and teeth with that one, disgusting.” 

“My dad,” Teddy panted, eyes roving the ground for his wand, “was a hundred times the wizard you’ll ever be.” 

Dolohov raised his eyebrows, “then where is he, pup? If he had been better, he would be here, and I would be dead.” 

It was at this moment that Teddy saw his wand, tucked under what appeared to be a bust of some old wizard. He leapt for it, landing so close that his fingers brushed it. 

Strong hands grabbed him and turned him over so he was facing up, pinned under Dolohov’s body. 

“Your father didn’t even beg for his life, at the end,” Dolohov said in a low, harsh whisper. He pressed his wand against Teddy’s neck, “he was up against a wall, and he knew it was over. D’you want to know what his last words were before I kill you, pup?” 

Teddy had to keep him talking, had to reach his wand. Dolohov wasn’t the only one who could do magic without words.

“Tell me,” Teddy spat out.

Dolohov grinned, “he closed his eyes and he said ‘serious’. Bit stupid, if you ask me. And then I killed him, pup, and he fell to the ground like the animal he was.” 

Teddy stilled, feeling the weight of Dolohov’s words like bricks on his chest. Sirius. 

_ Oh, dad,  _ Teddy wished in that moment that Dolohov would just end it now, let Teddy join his parents. He didn’t want to bear this sadness, this terrible pain any longer. 

The pain in his head was growing with every beat of his heart, and dark clouds were beginning to form around the edges of his vision. His eyelids were fluttering, and for a moment he was sure he would die here.

Then James’ face, seared into his mind, popped up behind his eyelids. James, trusting, loving James, who had begged him not to leave. He had to get back. He couldn’t leave James alone, couldn’t do to them what had been done to Remus and Sirius. 

Focusing on the image of James laughing, Teddy thought  _ ACCIO WAND  _ with all his strength. There was a skidding sound, and the familiar touch of wood at his fingertips. 

Teddy grabbed the wand and roared “ _ SECTUMSEMPRA _ ” with his wand jabbed into Dolohov’s ribs.

Dolohov screamed and rolled off of Teddy, terrible wounds opening all over his body. Teddy staggered to his feet, but before he could revel in Dolohov’s pain Dolohov shouted something and a jet of red light hit Teddy’s chest. 

Thousands of white-hot knives cut into Teddy’s skin and he fell to his knees with a shout. Through the blinding, mind-altering pain he thought  _ that bastard used the  _ cruciatus  _ curse.  _

“Stop this!” Dolohov screamed in a high voice, attempting to stop the blood from flowing out of his wounds, “stop this!” 

Teddy was twitching, moaning, tears pouring down his cheeks. But he still grabbed Dolohov’s collar and hauled him up so the two men were eye to eye.

“I hope there is a hell,” Teddy yelled, choking on the words as they crawled up his throat, burning like coals, “and I hope you rot there, you monster.” 

Dolohov didn’t respond, his eyes had rolled back into his head. Teddy dropped him and fell to the floor, shaking and spasming as the pain rolled through his body. His bones were breaking, his blood was boiling, he was sure he was turning into dust. 

The world around him faded to grey, and he wracked his brain for one last image of James to hold onto as the darkness swallowed him. 

Just as the blackness was about to swallow him whole, the pain stopped. With a start, Teddy’s eyes flew open. Harry was standing above him, rumpled and covered in sand but alive and well. Behind him, Ron was pale but unharmed.  

“Blimey, Teddy,” Ron breathed, “what did you do?”

What did I do? Teddy thought, though he was sure he didn’t say the words. Slowly, he looked down at his body. He was covered in blood. He looked over to where he had dropped Dolohov and immediately his stomach twisted. Sitting up, Teddy retched onto the ground. 

The other Aurors were pouring into the prison now, and Teddy could hear their gasps.

“Stay back!” Harry yelled, “he’s injured. Ron, help me.”

Wordlessly, the two men lifted Teddy to his feet. Harry brushed Teddy’s burned arm and Teddy cried out, the pain was intense, though nothing compared to the cruciatus curse. His body felt hollowed out, as if the pain had had been a fire burning through him. 

“Harry,” Teddy slurred, “did you--”

“It’s done,” Harry said gently, “we’re moving the prisoners to Ministry holding for now. We got them. It’s over.”

“S’good,” Teddy muttered, head lolling. 

“We have to get him to St. Mungos,” Harry said, and Teddy could hear the ocean again. 

“Tell James I’m alright,” Teddy managed to whisper before he finally succumbed to darkness. 


	22. Better Off As Lovers

James knew as long as he lived, he would never forget the sight of Teddy, limp in a stretcher, as the healers had whisked him past James and his mum. 

Harry had sent word they were on their way to Mungo’s and Ginny and James had apparated there immediately, as Hermione and Rosie had come to the Potter house earlier to wait out the Aurors’ return. Now, they were there with Albus and Lily. 

Teddy had been wheeled past them, Harry following the Healers and calling over his shoulder to James that everything would be fine.

Everything didn't  _ look  _ fine. Teddy’s hair was singed, half of his face was covered in a burn and purpling with bruises. His left arm and leg were red and raw looking, more burns all up his left side. His robes, hands, and face were all covered in blood. Surely it couldn't be his, or he would have been dead. 

“He's going to be alright, James,” his mum had grabbed his hand as Teddy was whisked away, “everything can be fixed.” 

James thought of the blood, and knew that wasn't true. 

 

James and his mum waited for what felt like hours before his dad came out into the waiting room, still tousled and dirty from the Auror mission.

“What happened?” James shot to his feet, stopping his dad in his tracks. “Can I see Teddy?”

“Blimey, James, I’m exhausted,” his dad gently moved James aside and plopped down next to his wife, “we caught the prisoners, if that’s what you’re asking. And no, not yet, he’s still resting.”

James sat down next to his dad, “what happened to  _ Teddy _ , dad, don’t be a git.” 

“James,” his mum admonished, though there was no real fire behind the words. They were all exhausted. 

His dad was frowning, eyes dark, “he killed Dolohov.” 

Ginny drew back slightly, expression stunned, “he killed him? Was he--”

“It was in self-defense,” Harry rubbed his forehead, “Dolohov--I mean, you saw him, Dolohov almost killed him. But...”

“But what?” James snapped.

“He used  _ sectumsempra  _ to kill him,” Harry said darkly.

_ The blood,  _ James breathed out as the realization hit him. That’s why Teddy had been soaked in gore. It was Dolohov’s blood. 

Harry had taught James and Teddy about the  _ sectumsempra  _ curse only to help defend themselves against it. When they were old enough, he finally explained how George lost his ear. He taught them the countercurse, but told them never to use to the curse itself. 

“What if you have to kill someone?” James had asked, a thirteen year old with no filter.   
Harry’s had ruffled James’ hair, “let’s hope you manage to stay out of that kind of trouble.” 

“But what if it’s someone bad?” James wouldn’t let it go, “someone like the Death Eaters or Voldemort.”

Harry’s face had darkened, as it usually did when they brought up Voldemort, “there are cleaner, more humane ways to kill someone, James.” 

Teddy had elbowed James in the ribs then, and James had realized he was talking about something his father clearly didn’t want to. 

“We knew it was a risk,” Ginny said softly, “having Teddy face the man who killed Remus.”

Harry nodded but didn’t respond. 

“What happened to Teddy?” James asked, deciding to push away the thoughts of murder for now, “what did Dolohov do to him?” 

Harry sighed, “he blew up a door and Teddy got caught in the blast, that’s where most of the burning and bruising came from. The Healer’s say he has a concussion. Then Dolohov, er....”

Harry had stalled under Ginny’s glare. 

“MUM!” James crossed his arms, “stop it! I can hear this!”

“James--”

“Oh for Merlin’s sake, Gin,” Harry gestured at James, “he’s just going to ask Teddy anyway.”

Ginny looked at James and he knew his mum was trying to wordlessly communicate that James was just being a masochist for reasons Harry was not yet aware of. James pointedly ignored her. 

Harry glanced between his wife and son before focusing on James again, mouth set in a grim line, “Dolohov used the  _ cruciatus  _ curse on him.” 

The air went out of James in a soft gasp, and if his dad and mum said anything after that he couldn’t hear it. His head was buzzing and all he could see was Teddy, his Teddy, screaming as the curse of unbearable pain tore through his body.

“H-how long?” James looked up at his dad almost blindly, “how long did Dolohov...”

“I’m not sure,” Harry said softly, “I found Teddy screaming and Dolohov almost dead. The curse only wore off when Dolohov finally died.” 

“Fuck,” James whispered, burying his face in his hands. 

Harry rested his hand on James’ back, “he’s going to be fine, James. The Healers said he’ll be home by tomorrow.” 

“Not if I kill him first,” James grumbled. 

“He was great,” Harry said, a note of sharpness in his voice, “he is an excellent Auror, James. He knew what he was doing with Dolohov. By using  _ sectumsempra  _ he opened himself up for more attacks like the  _ cruciatus  _ curse, but he wanted Dolohov to hurt.”

“I don’t give a fuck about Dolohov,” James snapped, standing up, “I would have done the same thing. Can I go see Teddy now?” 

“Just let him,” Ginny said, hand on Harry’s wrist. 

“Fine,” Harry sounded defeated, “go bother the Healers for a change. He’s in the last room on the left, down the hall.” 

James spun on his heel and hurried in the direction his dad pointed, knowing hell or Healer couldn’t keep him from Teddy. 

 

Teddy looked very pale, lying against the hospital bed. His hair was black and long, spilling out across the pillow in soft, loose waves. He looked funny in the Mungo hospital gown, a soft mint shade that Teddy would never wear. He looked like Sirius, James thought, though still so much like his dad and mum. They were all wrapped up in him, this orphan with such a terrible burden. James loved him so much it felt like a heart attack. 

“Teddy,” James whispered, reaching out to thumb Teddy’s cheek. There was a large bandage on the left side of Teddy’s forehead, but his burns had already faded to a gentle pink and there was no trace of blood. James was suddenly, overwhelmingly grateful for magic. 

Teddy stirred, eyes fluttering open, “James?”

“Merlin,” James sat down in the chair next to he bed and wrapped his arms around Teddy’s shoulders, laying his head down on his chest to try and hide the tears that had sprang into his eyes. 

“Oh, Jamie,” Teddy breathed, and James felt his fingers combing through his hair, “this isn’t a hallucination is it?”

James propped himself up on his elbows, “I’d pinch you to prove it’s real but I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Teddy laughed softly, cupping James’ face with his hand, “just kiss me and we can call it even.”

James rolled his eyes but leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Teddy’s tasting copper. Teddy threaded his fingers through the hair at the nape of James’ neck and when they parted a moment later his eyes were still closed.   
“Did I hurt you?” James asked, unable to stop the constant waves of panic. 

Teddy’s eyes flew open and he chuckled, “Bloody hell, no, James, I’m fine. You sound like my gran.”

“I’m surprised she’s not here already,” James said dryly. 

“I told your dad not to tell her until I’m out of here,” Teddy smiled guiltily, “I don’t want her to worry too much.” 

James stroked Teddy’s bangs away from the bandage on his forehead, fingers brushing the soft cotton, “what about me, then?”

“What about you?” Teddy caught his wrist and moved his hand down, pressing a kiss to James’ palm, “do you think I look sexy with the bandage? Is it nice and hero-y? Are you feeling a bit swoon-y perhaps?” 

James was tempted to tug his hand away but he couldn’t bear it, “you’re such an ass. I was so worried about you. I was just watching the door for hours, and then I find out you’re here...”

Pain danced across Teddy’s face, pulling the corners of his mouth down, “James, I’m sorry. I’m so--I feel terrible, the way I left things.”

James was quiet for a moment before he leaned down and kissed Teddy again, harder this time. Teddy moaned slightly, inhaling sharply as James’ fingers brushed the skin of his neck and then his collar bone.

James broke the kiss, moving back to look Teddy in the eye, “I know you had to go, Teddy, and I’m sorry that I tried to get you to stop. I would have done the same thing. I  _ would  _ do the same thing, you know how much the Marauders mean to me, too.”

Teddy smiled softly, “I know, James. I know I had to go I just...that’s not how this works. How we work. And I’m sorry, because you’re...you’re the most important thing--”

“Hey,” James reached out and took Teddy’s hand, squeezing it, “I love you too, you prat.” 

Teddy laughed and grinned, and in a flash his hair was turquoise again. The color of happiness, of lazy summer days and safety. 

“So I guess you haven’t been secretly hating me since we kissed outside the Shack,” Teddy said ruefully, “like I’ve been worrying this whole time.”

James snorted, “sometimes I wish I could have hated you.”

“Yeah,” Teddy frowned, “me, too.”

They were quiet for a moment while James turned over all the things he had wanted to say since that fateful kiss in the snow.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” James asked quietly, “after that. If you loved me.” 

Teddy frowned, “I dunno, lots of reasons, I guess. You were so young, you’re Harry’s son...everyone always talked about you like you were my younger brother. We’ve always been best friends and when I...when I stopped feeling that way about you, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. I was...ashamed.”

He looked up at James, hazel eyes dark, “why didn’t you say anything? Why...why did you start dating Sophie?”

James stomach twisted. He hadn’t even thought that Sophie might have hurt Teddy, as he didn’t think his feelings for Teddy were returned. Now he looked back on the timeline of their relationship and felt guilt rise in his chest, imagining how he would felt if Teddy had went off and gotten a girlfriend. 

“I didn’t...want to lose you,” James finally said, “I was worried you would think I was a nutter for...for wanting you this way. And even if you didn’t and, er, this happened. What if we...I dunno, broke it off, what would happen then?” 

It was a question that James needed answered though he still regretted bringing it up. Teddy’s face fell slightly at the words, and James dropped Teddy’s hand to smooth his fingers over Teddy’s forehead and cheeks, trying to brush away the worry.

“We don’t have to talk about that right now, you’re in a hospital bed,” James said softly. 

“No, no,” Teddy gently brushed James’ hand away and then propped himself up slightly, wincing as he sat up, “I don’t--James, what we have is bigger than friendship or dating or shagging or anything like that. No matter what you are to me, best mate or--er, or boyfriend or whatever--you’ll always be the biggest person in my life. I’ll always be here for you, even if this...this doesn’t work out in  _ this  _ way.”

James let Teddy’s words crash over him in waves of pleasure and relief, slightly stunned that somehow Teddy always knew what to say. Always knew just what James was afraid of, and how to get at the heart of it.

James grinned and ran his fingers over Teddy’s knuckles, “who said anything about shagging, huh? I see where  _ your _ mind is.”

Teddy flushed a brilliant shade of crimson that clashed horribly with his hair. James laughed and didn’t stop until Teddy socked him half-heartedly in the stomach. 

“IF I’m interpreting that little wrestling match we had outside the Shack in February correctly,” Teddy said with a haughty sniff after James stopped chuckling, “which I think I  _ am,  _ I know exactly what’s on your mind.”

Now it was James turn to flush, as he remembered rolling around with Teddy on the frozen ground. He had let his guard down a bit then, letting himself touch Teddy a little too long. 

“You’re such an ass,” James said ruefully, but he was grinning.   
The two of them sat for a moment in contented silence, holding hands and grinning at each other like idiots. 

It was only when James reached up to touch the bandage on Teddy’s head, a question in the gesture, that Teddy’s smile slipped. 

“I don’t,” Teddy seemed to grasp for the words, “I don’t know if you want to hear what happened.” 

“Dad told me what he knew,” James said softly, “about what Dolohov did to you and what...you did to Dolohov.”

Teddy turned away from James, hand going in slack in James’, “so he told you about  _ sectumsempra. _ ” 

“He did,” James replied quietly, trying to keep his voice neutral. 

Teddy was quiet for a moment before sitting up all the way, running his hand through his hair in agitation, “your dad probably thinks I’m a monster, using that spell.”

“Teddy, stop,” James stood up and climbed ungracefully onto the bed, sitting on the edge so he could face Teddy but still move quickly if a Healer came in, “dad’s done things he’s not proud of before. He’s not a saint, he fought in a war for Merlin’s sake.”

Teddy shrugged, not making eye contact with James, “I didn’t  _ have  _ to kill him. I wanted to.”

A confession. James felt a deep grief pulling at his heart. 

“He killed your dad, Teddy,” James said softly, “hey--look at me,”

James reached out and gently guided Teddy’s chin so he could look at his face. Teddy’s eyes were pinched, but dry. He wasn’t crying, his hair wasn’t black. James knew he might feel guilty, or perhaps just stunned over what he had done, but he didn’t regret it. 

“I would have done the same thing,” James said quietly, “I’m glad he suffered. I’m glad he’s dead. I’m just sorry you got hurt.” 

Teddy’s expression softened slightly and he grabbed James’ hand, weaving their fingers together again. 

“Did he...” James wasn’t sure he wanted to ask, “did he...say anything?”

Teddy’s face fell and, to James’ horror, his eyes filled with tears so quickly they spilled over his cheeks before James could say anything.

“Oh, fuck, Teddy,” James scooted closer and wiped away the tears with his thumb, “I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me anything.”

“He talked about killing my dad,” Teddy said roughly, and when James tried to move his hand away from his face he caught it and held it there against his cheek.

James felt white hot anger move through him, and he suddenly wished Teddy had used a curse that was even more painful than  _ sectumsempra.  _ He wished he had been there. He wished he could have killed Dolohov with his own hands. 

“Teddy,” James breathed, unsure what to say that could possibly help. 

“He said my dad’s last word was ‘Sirius’,” Teddy continued, and through the tears he half-smiled, “he didn’t know what it meant. But we do.”

James swallowed heavily. He could imagine Remus, kind and dust-colored, facing death and thinking only of Sirius one last time. 

“Fuck,” James murmured, “I’m sorry you...I’m sorry, Teddy.”

“S’okay,” Teddy shrugged, pressing a soft kiss to James’ knuckles before letting his hand fall, “I know...I’m glad my dad loved someone so much, you know?” 

James shrugged, “he loved you, too, Teddy.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Teddy squeezed James’ hand, “I just think I understand him more, you know, having you. Having this. When Dolohov told me about his last words I was...it was hard. But then it just reminded me how badly I had to get back to this.”

James’ throat closed with unshed tears at the rawness in Teddy’s voice, the honesty of his words. This was what it was all about, really, their hands clasped together on Teddy’s lap. This was something to live for, to die for. Remus and Sirius had known that, Tonks had known that. James’ parents knew, they were just lucky enough to be here still. 

Thinking of his parents sent a stab of discomfort into James’ happiness bubble.

“Er, not to change the subject or anything,” James glanced at the door, “but my mum knows about us.”

“WHAT!” Teddy’s face went pale, “you  _ told her _ ? Blimey, James, like five minutes after we kissed? You didn’t waste any time.”

James’ flushed, “I  _ didn’t _ tell her, she just  _ knew _ . Said she’s known for ages. Guess we haven’t been as subtle as we thought.”

Frowning, Teddy nodded, “I, er, I’ll give her that one, I suppose. Did she, er, tell your dad?”

“I don’t think so,” James grinned sheepishly, “are we going to?”

“We have to,” Teddy said, though he looked aghast at the idea. 

James squeezed his hand, “we can wait a little.” 

Teddy sighed, “I feel like a real...piece of shit. I’m his  _ godson  _ and now I’m shacking up with his eldest son and he’s definitely going to kill me.”

James smiled weakly, “maybe we can wait a long time.”

“No, no,” Teddy looked pained, “we should tell him soon. Just...pick a right time for it.”

James leaned in and kissed  Teddy’s jaw, right under his ear. “The right time can be after we get to sleep in the same room for a little while longer,” he breathed, and Teddy shivered.

“You’re a real tease, you know that,” Teddy said thickly, “and I am very much struggling to come up with a counterargument.” 

James laughed and sat back up, “d’you want me to go get him and my mum now? I’m sure they’re wondering what’s taking me so long.”

“Could you give me a bloody moment,” Teddy snapped, “I need to compose myself.” 

James glance down at Teddy’s lap and grinned to see a tell-tale bulge.

“I’ll go get them,” James said, “while you take a minute. Just, ah, take some deep breaths.”

“Fuck you, Potter,” Teddy said, rubbing his eyes, though James could see a smile tugging at his mouth. 

James retrieved his parents and watched as they hugged Teddy and fussed over him, smiling as Harry bragged about how well Teddy had done in the field. 

Teddy was where he belonged, with the Potters, and tomorrow James would bring him home and help him forget about Dolohov and death, and the bloody trip to Azkaban. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is lyrics taken from Fall Out Boy's "Bang the Doldrums":  
> "Best friends  
> Ex-friends till the end  
> Better off as lovers  
> And not the other way around"


End file.
